Chapter 8

Is there a safe house for Rene`? Will an old flame actually help her or bring her back down?

The alarm clock jerked her out of her doze. She hadn’t slept at all and she didn’t feel like going to school. She wanted to just lie there and waste away but that wouldn’t do her any good. She took a quick shower, got Kristen up and dressed before she went to wake Eric up to take them to school. René held Kristen in her lap as Eric fumbled around getting ready and René looked around the little foyer.

            Everything was colored dark, almost like everything came from her own imagination instead of the store. The dark walls encased the dark wooden floor that was underneath the dark beige couch and dark wooden desk. The living room had dark burgundy curtains over the one long window facing the street; the sliding wooden door leading to Shay’s room was stained darker than the walls; the only way of light came from a bronze colored lamp in the far corner away from the little bathroom door. With how dark everything was in the house, it was no wonder everyone was depressed and fighting. The only “light” place was in the kitchen where everything was white or gray from the big window over the sink and the big window next to the door leading to the backyard and Shay’s swinging door to her room. Even the dining room table was a really light oak color, almost a crème but not as light and the floor was white soft tile.

            “Ok,” Eric emerged from Shay’s room, “I’m ready. Let’s go.” Quietly, almost as if speaking were forbidden, they made their way to his truck. René helped Kristen get buckled up before she secured herself in the front seat. The horrible smell still lingered but it wasn’t as strong as it had been the day he’d picked her up from school. Once Kristen was dropped off, the tension grew a little more but not because of their differences, but instead because René and Eric were trying not to talk about Shay. René really wanted to know what was wrong with Shay but she knew Eric wouldn’t tell her, not until he was sure what was wrong himself.

            “Did you sleep?” He whispered without looking away from the road. For a second René thought she had imagined it but she had seen his lips move.

            “No.” She glanced at him sideways and took a deep shaky breath. “You?”

            He shook his head and she understood. He was worried too. She didn’t know if he was worried for Shay or the fact that more money would be needed to keep Shay in the hospital until she got better. Stress building in her again, she ran her fingers through her hair and she realized with a sigh that she had forgotten to brush it. Quickly putting it up in a wet ponytail, she hoped no one would really notice.

            “You didn’t bring your guitar today.”

            “I don’t have guitar class today. Teacher’s not showing up so she told us we didn’t have to attend.” She leaned back and closed her eyes. “Besides,” she rubbed her nose, “I didn’t feel like lugging it around to every class. It get’s heavy after the first two periods.” A yawn forced its way through her when she spoke the last two words and they came out distorted and almost incoherent. Eric nodded his head like he understood and continued to drive. Silence filled the space between them again. René couldn’t help but feel scared for Shay and Eric’s silence about her condition made it that much more frightening.

            What was going on? What was becoming of her once stable life? Why did everything have to come crumbling down now? She didn’t know the answer to these questions. Arriving at school, René put on her mask. It was the only thing that felt real anymore. She never had to tell anyone anything and that feeling was frightening as much as it was comforting. But maybe she would confide in someone. Maybe she needed to talk to someone to help relieve some of her stress. She didn’t know. What if it wasn’t a good idea? What if she was just being selfish and ungrateful? Maybe she was. Maybe she just needed to suck it up and deal with it. No one needed to know her problems. Her problems would go away. They wouldn’t stay forever. It was just life. Nothing more than life and no more difficult than the person next door. But she couldn’t help but feel on the verge of tears and tearing her hair out. Fear of the unknown was constantly gnawing at her insides. Maybe she was just over exaggerating. That might be it. She was just over exaggerating. She was blowing everything out of proportion. Everything was normal. Eric was back, Kristen was happy again, Shay was in the hospital again but she was always in the hospital. The only thing that was really different was that Lee was in college.

            No matter how much René tried to lie to herself, she just couldn’t quite convince herself that she wasn’t going through a lot of stress. But she tried like hell to convince herself. Walking into the school to meet the small family she had made almost comforted her enough to relax. But like any family, the ones closest to her knew something wasn’t right. The Dean and counselor, Mr. Penston, knew the moment she walked into the cafeteria that something was bothering her. René tried to avoid him during breakfast but since the school was so small, she had nowhere to really go. He ended up pinning her down by the door leading outside.

            “Hey, René,” he leaned in a little and smiled at her, “how’ve you been?”

            “I’ve been good,” René lied and tossed her Styrofoam tray into the trash to the left of the door while gazing around at the 100 or so kids in the cafeteria that made up the entire school population. She could tell Mr. Penston was scrutinizing her facial expressions, so she tried to make her face as blank as possible.

            “You don’t have a first period class, do you?”

            “I do,” she said stepping around him, “it’s sociology.”

            “But that’s your online class. It can wait. You aren’t behind in it,” he said while picking up her backpack and heading to his office. René was about to argue but decided against it. It wouldn’t get her anywhere anyway. Walking into his office for the third time since he had been there, René made herself comfortable in the green winged-back chair across from his leather desk chair. He shut the door to the small twenty by twenty room and sat down. “So, what’s been going on?”

            “Oh, you know the usual. Class work galore. Isn’t that the motto here or something?” She didn’t feel like talking about her mom and the whole soap opera going on at home. She watched him as he watched her. She made sure her posture was relaxed and her eyebrows were in a natural position, not furrowed or anything. The silence stretched until Mr. Penston finally spoke.

            “I believe the motto is ‘Failure is not an Option’,” he leaned forward and folded his hands around his knee. “Ok, so tell me about your classes. Are they too much? Are you behind in anything? How’s the work load?” His tone was mellow, conversational, and René kept the same tone as him.

            “Eh, well, World History’s a bit�"” René paused and cleared her throat, remembering she was talking to an authoritative figure and needed to use clean language, “it’s difficult. Not what I was expecting. And English is as easy as it has always been. Biology’s been kicking my butt though. Oh! And Chemistry’s a doozey. I can never get those formulas right. You know what I mean?”

            He laughed and agreed with her. They continued on for another five to ten minutes about the school, the teachers and the many things that went on outside of René’s house until Mr. Penston became serious.

            “René, I know something’s wrong,” he scooted his chair a little closer to hers and leaned closer to her so that he wouldn’t have to talk so loud. “What’s been going on?”

            She looked into his soft blue eyes and wanted to tell him but she couldn’t. It just wasn’t that important, at least she didn’t think so. Everyone has their ups and downs; this was just one of her major downs. “Nothing’s wrong,” she tried to say without giving away the lie, but she failed. The word “wrong” came out as a squeak. She cleared her throat and looked away. “It’s nothing really, just usual home drama. Everyone’s got those problems but I can handle it.” This time she sounded a little more convincing but one look at Mr. Penston told her he wasn’t buying it any more than a blind man would believe that he wasn’t blind. “No, really. I’m serious. I’m fine. We’re all fine.” His unrelenting stare caused her to break and she told the whole story. Every now and then she’d shed a tear but the moment it was there, she wiped it away. She was done crying over everything; she was tired of being weak. So instead of crying, she smiled and laughed.

            “It’s not healthy to laugh at this René,” Mr. Penston said with sincerity. “You need to get this out. If I didn’t know you better, I’d think you were insane.”

            At that, René really did laugh. “I’m not clinically insane, but I do believe I have some insane qualities. As does everyone else, this includes you.” She looked around the room and put her mask back on. “I’ve just been stressed.”

            Mr. Penston nodded, “That’s understandable. Sometimes the curve balls life throws at us are also fast balls. The hard part is actually seeing them, let alone hitting them. Would you like a few days off?”

            “What?” René was stunned he would even suggest giving her some slack. “I can’t do that? That would be unfair to everyone else. I’m just like them. We all have our problems.” To be honest, a break sounded wonderful, but that would mean she would be home alone, and she didn’t know how she’d be able to handle it. Everything would be weird and the house would be creepily quiet with just the creeks in the floor boards from her grandma walking up and down the stairs. She didn’t know which was worse: being home alone or having a lot of work to do. She decided work was better. “I think I need to keep doing my school work. I can’t just slack off because of a few problems. Besides, Mum would have a cow.”

            “Ok-” René stood up to leave as he spoke, “I’m not done with you. Sit back down.” A little unnerved at his commanding tone, René did as she was told. “I’m giving you some homework.” She fought the urge to just get up and leave. More homework was not what she had meant by declining the offered break. “Don’t worry, it’s nothing you have to write or read. Now, what I want you to do is practice allowing your emotions to be just one emotion. When you feel sad, don’t be afraid to cry-“

            “I’m not very good at that. I’ve always been taught not to cry; it’s always been a sign of weakness.”

            “Well, whoever taught you that is wrong. It’s not a weakness and I want you to know that. You need to practice letting your emotions go. Don’t bottle them up; it’s not good to do that.” He folded his hands on his knee and continued, “I don’t want you to feel like you’re trapped inside your head as much as you feel like you are trapped at this moment. So, next week, I expect to see you in my office at this time. I will contact your online instructor and tell her you will be with me and that you are getting your work done on schedule. Have I made myself clear, René?” René didn’t know how to squeeze out of this scheduled psych meeting so she had no other option but to oblige.

            Leaving his office, she felt a little better but she could just feel the doom closing in on her. She didn’t know how she was going to ‘practice’ letting her feelings go. Frankly, Shay always told her she didn’t control her emotions enough and that she needed to stop letting them control her. But if what Mr. Penston was true, she’d end up in a mental institution again. Yes, again. Society doesn’t look too kindly on suicidal people. At this point, René wished she had been able to succeed instead of just attempt. But she wouldn’t try it again; not while Kristen needed her. Besides, she had promised Mommaw she wouldn’t do it again. She always tried to keep her promises because she believed a person is only as good as his or her word.

           

            The day was long and dreary. Her classes were a slow blur as every one of her teachers re-taught what they had taught the day before. She doodled and wrote some poetry, which ended up being very depressing. One of her doodles consisted of a heart with three cracks tearing through it while black blood leaked down into a pool of body parts and mush. The poem was about a person being all alone and she made an imaginary friend named No-One only to find out that No-One wasn’t really there. Normally she would feel better after she wrote but this time was different. She felt too close to the girl in the poem, even though she knew she had many different friends, Dante and Allen mainly, who would listen and hug her. But she just felt so alone, no matter how many friends she had, she just couldn’t help but feel hopelessly alone. Nothing was going as it was planned and René felt like it was all her fault. Shay and Eric fighting. If she had just stayed home instead of leaving for three weeks, they wouldn’t have split up like they had. They would have still been happy, possibly celebrating their two year anniversary. But no, René left and now they were celebrating nothing. No cake from the freezer, no family pictures, no going out to eat and having a grand ole time. No, they were trying to keep a roof over their heads while keeping food in the fridge and trying to get Shay healthy.

            That’s when something donned on her. Kim, René’s ex girlfriend and still really good friend, might be able to help. Maybe not in paying anything, but to help René relax. After thinking about it, René figured she’d give Kim a call and see if they could hang out for a weekend. After all, Kim always had a solution; either that or she was always there to listen without judging.

            René wished she had thought of calling Kim sooner. Sometimes, she was just so stupid and the simplest things slipped her mind. Slipping her phone out of her pocket, she called Kim and asked if she could stay at her house. René knew the answer was going to be yes, but she just wanted to make sure. She didn’t bother to ask Eric; she texted him saying she wouldn’t be home for a few days. Even though he pitched a fit, René didn’t care. He tried to use Kristen as an excuse for her to stay home but she wasn’t really that phased. Instead, René offered to take Kristen with her, but Eric wouldn’t let her.

            Soon after René called Kim, she was there in her used and baby blue Lincoln. An overwhelming joy flooded René the moment she saw Kim, and she wondered why she had given her up. As they hugged, René felt stable for the first time since she came back.

            “So, what’s up,” Kim asked moving a strand of René’s hair out of her face and taking her backpack.

            “Just the usual drama that I need to get away from.” René ran up to the passenger side door and squeezed her way into the car, careful not to hit the car door against the truck next to them. She looked in the review mirror and watched Kim slam the trunk and limp her way to driver’s side door. As she lowered herself down, she pushed in the cigarette lighter near the A/C controls.

            “I bought a pack if you care for a cigarette.” Kim then drove carefully out of the parking lot and handed the pack of cigarettes to René. René packed them the way Kim liked them and lit two.

            “So, started smoking in the car. When did this happen?” René handed Kim one of the cigarettes as she took a drag on hers.

            “Since my dad lit up in here.” She rolled down the windows and blew a stream of white smoke from her nose. “Pissed me off, too. Said he could do whatever the f**k he wanted even though I bought the f*****g car.”

            “Yeah. That sucks a*s.” René slowly relaxed and closed her eyes as she enjoyed her cancer stick. She watched as the fire within the paper slowly burned its way down letting off its toxic white smoke. She sighed, “Well, I’m kinda grateful he did, or I’d have to smoke outside.” They laughed together. “Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to have the wind going through my hair as you speed 20 miles over the speed limit, but my cigarette would be gone before I would get three puffs.” They both laughed again as the imagined René hanging on for dear life trying to smoke a cigarette on the roof of the car.

            “You wanna just head to the park?” Kim flipped her blinker on. “We wouldn’t have to worry about my dad finding you, and besides, we can smoke there without getting caught.”

            “Sure, why not.” René held the cigarette in her mouth as she put her wild hair up. “It’s nice outside today anyway.” Out of habit, René held Kim’s hand on the middle console. She took her shoes off and put one foot on the dash and the other out the window. She felt like she belonged and that nothing could go wrong in that moment, but somewhere in the back of her mind, a voice was telling her it wouldn’t last long; something was always bound to go wrong, always. But in that moment, René didn’t care; she relished in that moment and committed it to memory.

 

            The park was empty except for two or three other people playing basketball in the caged court. Kim and René didn’t pay any attention to them and made themselves comfortable on the playground’s swings. Sighing, René straddled her swing and then laid backwards and wrapped her feet around the chain. She pushed herself with one hand while the other held on the chain next to her head.

            “Thanks for picking me up,” she said softly to Kim.

            “Naw, no problem.” Kim gently kicked René’s swing. René lost her balance and squealed as she fell the short distance to the wood chipped ground. For a second, neither made a sound, but then they both burst out laughing. René got back up and tackled Kim out of her swing and they wrestled for a good ten minutes until Kim easily pinned René and bit her neck.

            “Hey,” René giggled, “no fair. You have an advantage!” She giggled again and felt Kim’s teeth marks on her neck. “I’m gonna get in trouble for that.”

            “Wimp,” Kim said and then tickle attacked René. Screeching, René fought back to get away until Kim straddled her and pinned her. “Don’t make me get my shackles.”

            “You actually brought them?” René looked astonished.

            “Yes,” she grinned, “and my whip.”

            “Holy cow.” René sat up. “Then I need to be a good girl, don’t I?” René couldn’t keep a straight face anymore and started laughing again. Kim playfully slapped her and raked her nails down René’s back. “You really don’t play fair.”

            “Nope. Nothing gets done if you play fair, my pet.” Kim lightly took the wood chips from René’s hair and smiled sweetly at her.

            René smiled and shook her head gently. She laid back down and looked up at the darkening sky. As soon as she realized the time, her unwanted friend, worry, made itself at home. She wondered if Kristen was ok and if she had eaten all of her dinner; she wondered if she would be in bed on time or if Eric would take off with her while no one was there to stop him other than Mommaw. She started to think that maybe Kim shouldn’t have picked her up and that she should have gone home  but she was really enjoying not having to deal with the home drama. Even though she worried, she didn’t want to go back. It was sad to think that she was just that fed up with everything. She didn’t really want to leave Kristen there all alone with Eric, but she really didn’t feel like she had a choice if she wished to be sane. She was amazed at how much her priorities had changed from worrying about how she was going to get by with her friends not going to her school anymore to worrying about what her family was going to eat that day or when they were going to have to leave the house or if they were going to even have electricity and water.

            “Penny for your thoughts,” Kim asked. René realized Kim had been watching her and she looked concerned.

            “Nah, I’m fine.” René then sat up and stretched. “ ‘Nother cigarette?”

            “Sure.” Kim handed her the pack and they both smoked until it was curfew for them to head back home. Before they left, they saw a red truck sitting in the parking lot a few car spaces away from Kim’s car. The odd thing was, the windows were fogged up. They both saw a few shadows and a few exchanged looks confirmed what they thought was happening. Giggling, they both got into the car. “Oh, this reminds me of a joke.” Kim started the car and backed out with one more glance at the truck. She grinned and shook her head. “My psych professor told the class about something he used to do with his girlfriends. When he would take them out in his car, he would go this one way where there was a really sharp curve. This was back before they had seat belts in the cars so every time he took that turn, the girl would slide across the seat and end up right next to him and he would put his arm around her to keep her there.” She looked at René and grinned. “Now ain’t that the s**t?”

            “He was one smooth guy, no doubt about that.” René laughed when Kim wiggled her eyebrows up and down.

            “I actually thought about using his tricks.” She then took a really sharp right turn and René just about ended up in Kim’s lap. “Wow, I didn’t really think it would work.”

            “You about scared the s**t outta me,” René said while she tried to calm down her adrenaline pumped heart.

            “What are you doin’ not wearin’ your seat belt anyway?” Kim asked.

            “Ummmm,” René slowly pulled her seat belt around herself and clicked in the buckle, “what do you mean I’m not wearing my seat belt? It’s buckled. You must be seein’ things.”

            When they made it home, it was around midnight and René was beat from not having slept in more than twenty-four hours. They both snuck into Kim’s room and shut the door as quietly as possible so they wouldn’t wake up Bobby Joe, Kim’s dad, and Max, Kim’s ten year old little brother. They didn’t really speak much, except to say goodnight, and then they curled up in Kim’s bed. Before René fell asleep, she marveled in the feeling of sleeping in Kim’s arms again. Even if they weren’t technically together, she felt more together with Kim than she had with anyone else. She just wished she could make things work between her and Kim. But sadly, she knew, at that moment, when things were as hectic as they were, a relationship was not what she needed, no matter how much she wanted one. But she didn’t think about it long. She fell asleep to the sound of Kim’s gentle snore and Kim’s arm holding her close�"keeping her safe from all the chaos running rampant in her life.

Author's Note

Let me know if she seems to whiny and what not, and, of course, grammatical errors.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

I missed reading this story. I had to re-read the first seven chapters again to catch-up. I like the description and detail of this story.
"Everything was colored dark, almost like everything came from her own imagination instead of the store. "
I like the feel of real life and real problems in this story. The daily battle of keeping up in school and conversations made the story interesting. A very good ending to a excellent chapter.
Coyote