Prologue (Surprise!)

She was on her way home; home from her father’s house down in south Florida the summer before her sophomore year in high school. The plane ride was shaky, as it always was, and she was a little queasy but it didn’t phase her excitement on going back to Texas. A red haired woman with another small blonde-haired blued-eyed woman appeared out of the sea of strangers and smiled at her.

          “Oh, hi René,” the red haired woman said, hugging her.

          “Hi Mum,” René said smiling. René then turned to the blonde and hugged her too. “Hi, Lee.” Exhausted from the two plane flights, René offered to treat everyone to a dinner at the nearest Waffle House. Everyone agreed. On the way out, René’s mom pulled her aside and they sat down on the bench in the smoking section. Her mom pulled out a cigarette and lit it. Watching her mom take a drag, Rene` knew something wasn’t right. The grief emanating from her mother was over powering.

          “René, honey,” she paused and looked Rene` in the eyes, and René knew, “he left. He says he’s not coming back.” René’s heart stopped for a moment before beating dangerously fast. An extreme sorrow engulfed her and tears swelled in the corners of her eyes. She didn’t understand why every man that walked into her family’s life always walked right back out. This man just took his time leaving.

          “What about Kristen? Is she staying?” René choked out. Kristen was her pride and joy. No matter how much René’s little sister was annoying, she was the best thing that had ever happened to her. René then felt the presence of her older sister sitting behind her.

          Their mom shook her head ever so slightly, inhaled the deadly concoction of tar, nicotine, and ash, and wiped the tear trailing down her cheek, “No, he’s taking her with him.” René stifle a cry of pain as Lee pulled her into an embrace.

A few minutes later, all three of them were in a rundown Waffle House ordering coffees and plates of hash-browns. Sitting in silence, René thought about how much more time she would have with Kristen before Eric took her away. No way was she ever going to trust another man, or male for that matter. Her heart and her family’s heart had been broken way too many times. Even through the Hell René had put Eric through, he chose to leave when she wasn’t even there. The attempted suicide, the running away, the attitude, the drugs. Everything. And he decided to leave when she was finally accepting him as a father for when her real father wasn’t there. It hurt. Hurt more than anyone can imagine. To not be wanted even by a person who swore to always love and cherish you and your family. The moment he said “I do” to René’s mom, was the moment he said “I accept your family as mine.” His daughter became René’s first little sister. No matter what blood said, Kristen was René’s sister and no one could tell her otherwise. Kristen was like René’s life line. She was the only one who kept René sane and alive on days she felt like s**t. And now Eric was going to take Kristen away from her. She couldn’t believe it, but the pain in her chest told her it was true.

René had known something was wrong for a while but her mom wouldn’t tell her, not over the phone anyway, and she wished sometimes her gut was wrong. But in this case, it was way too right. Fresh tears leaked out of her eyes after the food and coffee was served. No one really ate, they just picked at it and pushed it around on their plates. The coffee was mostly forgotten until it was time to leave. And even as they gulped most of it down, no one really tasted the bitterness of the black liquid. The two hour ride back to Waco, Texas was way too quiet. There wasn’t laughter of any sort. No one tried to comfort the other, knowing it would only make things worse for everyone.

By the time they arrived at the house, the sun had long been gone. The sky was clear and a full moon shone brightly down on the sleepy rundown street. Unlocking the bars to the front door, René’s mom helped roll the suitcase over the threshold. The rickety stairs leading to hers and Lee’s room, about to be just hers, groaned under the weight of both girls carrying the suitcase. They all said their goodnights and Mommaw peeked her head out of Lee’s old room to greet René. The house was strangely quiet and René already dreaded the days to come.

Author's Note

Of course tell me what you think.

Reviews

[Chris]

Pretty good start. You present the conflict to us that the story is going to be about, and I thought you ended the chapter well. It's just enough to provide a small hook for what might come after this chapter.

I wasn't as thrilled about the opening, though. It's a fair way to start off, but you want to try to make the opening line as strong as you possibly can; you want the opening line to hook the reader. Personally, I don't feel like the one you have currently accomplishes that, or at least not well enough. One thing you could do to strengthen the opening is to start in media res (in the middle of the action). If you go with this technique, then you can maybe start with Rene's mom telling her about how the step-dad left, and then quickly fill in the reader on where they are at, and there reason for being there, some time afterward.

Also, I felt like Lee's presence was kind of random. I guess that's because she wasn't given any dialogue, and she was only mentioned about three times in the chapter. I'm not entirely sure what relation Lee is to Rene, either, and I kind of feel like that should have been included somewhere, unless it was and accidentally skimmed over it.

A couple grammar mistakes:
"A red haired woman with another small blonde-haired blued-eyed woman appeared out of the sea of strangers and smiled at her."
"[R]ed haired" should be hyphenated, and there should be a comma after "blonde-haired." Actually, you could just shorten it to "blonde, blue-eyed woman," since blonde automatically refers to hair, and then you won't be using three hyphenated words in one sentence.

"[...]and ash, and wiped the tear trailing down her cheek, 'No, he’s taking her with him.'"
The comma after cheek should be a period.

These are the only two that I noticed. I wasn't really looking for any grammar mistakes, but I thought I'd point these ones out.
But yeah, overall, I liked this beginning. It's a pretty good start for the novel. :)

[nono]

Well guess what! I WOULD READ IT IF I SAW IT IN A BOOK STORE! OMG! You got talent girl serious talent, and very impressed with your words! I hope there will be more writing than only 7 chapters! I WOULD DIE IF IT ENDED SO SOON! lol Nice job though amazing!

[Emotionally Blank yet F..]

erg! again you've pinpointed my emotions with every man that has walkedin and out of my family's life. Especially with my step-dad who keeps walking in and out. I really would like to know how you pin point my emotions :)... this is really good btw!!1

[Steve]

This is excellent so far!! Wow. You are good at this kind of longer write.

[David W Moore III]

Nice beginning. I'll have to come back and check more.

[Coyote Poetry]

A very good beginning to the story. The opening chapter create conflict with the lost of the step-father? The poor mother trying to be happy even with her pain. I look forward to see where you are taking me with the story.
Coyote