The Show Down (Prologue)

Cliche` chapter... lol sorry

    Walking through the courtyard just a few feet from the loading and unloading dock for the buses, Kat and Danny were enjoying the sunshine falling through the branches of the nearby winter trees. Kids of all sizes were swarming from the school, letting any onlooker know it was the end of the school day and the beginning of the winter break. A light blanket of snow crunched under their feet, a promise of more snow to come.

   "Hey, Julie! Have you seen the new kid? He's so cute! He even winked at me!" Kat said in a preppy accent.

    "Can you believe she would get so flipped out over an exchange student?" Kat's only friend, Danny, asked. Being the most unpopular kids in school, Kat and Danny stuck together like feathers on a bird. They didn't make straight A's like Julie and her friend Don. Julie and Don were the "popular" girls, the most snoody people a person could ever meet, and they were Danny and Kat's most despised people. Don was the girl who went out with every boy in the school then decided she was better than that. Julie was Don's shadow; everywhere Don was, Julie was and everything Don said, Julie said. Julie was a "know it all" kind of person when it came to gossip and she found everything out by spying. She knew who dated who and who had sex with who. She was a very irritating person. 

     Julie stopped in front of Danny to make a comment but in the middle of the word "I," a gun was fired. Kat jumped at Julie to bring her down so she wouldn't get shot but instead of landing on Julie, Kat was knocked to the ground by Danny. As they fell, a man came up and shoved Julie into a tree. Next thing Kat knew, the man grabbed Danny, tossed him out of the way and grabbed her. She kicked, punched, kneed, bit, elbowed, and everything else she could think of. The man grunted with effort to keep her in his grip. Kat saw two other men, one had Danny, and the other was trying to tie her feet. She aimed a kick on the guy's chin but missed and hit his nose. He groaned in pain and held his face, which looked like a gyser had exploded with red liquid. The one holding her squeezed her neck. She became still as her breath caught in her throat. She could hear screams in the background but the voice she heard whisper over all the clamor was raspy and calm.

    "You better stop fighting or I'll kill the boy. Am I understood?"

    It was hard for her to nod her head yes, but she managed.

    "Good girl. Now do as you're told and no one gets hurt. Come on, let's walk to the van now."

    He let her go and as she was gasping for air, she fell to her hands and knees. The other man's broken nose bled perfusely and he grumbled as they all walked to the brown and tan van.

    Kat was thrown into the back next to Danny. She realized he was unconsious. As the van started to move, Kat looked around. It really wasn't a van, but an RV. She was in the back bedroom, and she heard the click of a lock. She tried to open the door, which confirmed her idea that the door was locked.

 

    It was a long drive and she started to think. I'm in an RV, locked in the bedroom, no food, no water, no bathroom. I'm not scared and Danny's unconsious. An hour later she thought back to what the man said: He didn't tell me to be good in the van, he just told me to stop fighting.

    She was jerked back to her surroundings as the door was being opened. The man who came in didn't have a broken nose, but he was a little messed up. She made the conclusion he was the one who had grabbed her. He was tall, blonde, blue-eyed with a small nose and rosy red lips. He was broad in the shoulders but lean everywhere else. She smelled food and looked down at his hands. He held two happy meals from McDonald's. Kat gave him her all too famous "Go-to-Hell" look.

    "He hasn't waken up, yet?" He asked, gesturing at Danny.

    "No." Kat replied bluntly. He turned around, shut the door with his foot, and proceeded to hand her one of the bags and put the other one by the door.

    He's staying in here? What's he gonna do? Watch me eat? She thought as the man sat down in front of the closed door. He waved a hand in Danny's direction and said:

    "So... Are you gonna wake him or am I gonna have to?"

    She didn't budge or even acknowledge that he said anything. She proceeded to give him the glare, while sitting uncomfortably with a bag of food in her lap, which she knew had a hamburger in it. She began to feel nauseated with the smell of meat. She had never liked meat, and just the thought of it made her sick to her stomach.

    The man and Kat continued to have their staring contest until he got up to rouse Danny. Kat jumped up and took him down two or three feet from Danny. She landed on his chest and heard the wind rush out of him. In an instant he had slung her aside. He was on her in a second. She punched him in the jaw and heard her knuckle pop. He grabbed both of her hands, slammed them against the floor, pinned her legs, and looked her square in the eyes.

    Oooo. He's mad. She thought. She tried to get out of his grip but only managed to get indian burn. She stopped struggling and waited for him to get off. Ten minutes passed and she got fed up with it.

    "Get off," she growled.

    "You're gonna try to hurt me. In this position, you can't," he chuckled. At that, she heaved her head toward his. He moved just in time to avoid the collision but not the bite. She ground her teeth together until she tasted blood. She hated the metalic taste but held on. She was amazed he didn't make a sound. He let go of her hands. This was a big mistake because as soon as he did, she launched both of her fists at his head. Before she made contact, she released her hold on his shoulder. She saw her right fist miss, but her left looked like a clear bull's-eye. She nerver saw if she hit her mark because she was knocked out before it landed.

Author's Note

I thought this was a good place to end the chapter even though in the original it's many more pages long but it will be part of the next chapter... Sorry for things being so fast and dense... I am still in the process of editing this book... It is the only one that I have actually finished so you are reading my first book... ^_^ I do hope you enjoy. Oh and Michael, I changed it all up for ya! lol :D

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

A outstanding beginning to the story. I like the early description of the characters. A lot of events happen and you have create a great mystery. I will read on. A excellent beginning to your story.
Coyote

[Taylor H.]

I thought this did a lot of telling and not enough showing. She did this. she said that. Fluff it up a bit and drag things out more. Other than that this was an excellence first chapter to the book

[WriterSki7]

Alright time to get to work ~_~

Unfortunatly I find the intro a little to blurred and uncut for my taste. Some refining needs to be done with the plot and a little smoother description would benefit the introduction well. Don't be afraid to combine shorter sentences into longer ones for descriptive purposes. Establish a pattern when describing two people at the same time; make sure one always goes first and the other second. This repetitive pattern makes it easier for the human mind to follow, and helps the reader tell who from who. Let me demonstrate:

"Kat was five foot three inches while Danny was five foot eight., Danny had pitch black hair and vine green eyes, that if the light hit them just right they were neon. Kat was the only girl with maroon hair and blue eyes that sometimes turned green." -Dark Angel

“Kat was five-foot-three; Danny was five-foot-eight. Kat had maroon hair, Danny’s was pitch-black. Kat had blue-green eyes, whilst Danny’s vine-green eyes shone like neon in the right light.” -WriterSki7

See the difference?

[WayOath]

I did enjoy this. The McDonalds thing was funny. This girl seems like she has some fight in her. I mean, sheesh, she's f*****g kicking a*s everywhere. Kat is tuff as nails. That rules. So yea, I'm gonna go read the next chapter. So far my only critisism or however the f*****g you spell it is that sometimes you should ID who is making what action instead of using he and she all over the place. This would make it easier to follow and have more of a readers flow. Just a thought ;p

Im likin it so far.

[AJChallenger]

I scrolled down and say "You're going to try to...you can't," he chucked. That is not a dialogue tag. "He said, he yelled, he exclaimed." Those are dialogue tags. He said is not.

"Hey, Julie! Have you seen the new kid? He's so cute! He even winked at me!" Kat said in a mocking voice.

That is just bad writing. Show, don't tell. Let us know someone is mokcing, don't just tell us.


Show, don't tell. Show us with action and dialogue, don't just tell us what's going on.

Avoid -ly words. "Kat replied bluntly." Don't narrate the dialogue for us. If we can't tell what they're saying from what they're saying you need to change it.


Go read some of my writing. It's not the best, but it applies a lot of these rules. Then do some editing, read your work aloud, then send another request. Also, don't listen to James. I read some of his stuff, full of mistakes. Published or not it's schmutt.

James, length is nothing. It's word count, have you read holes? A chapter can be a sentence, publishers want length in terms of word count, not chapter length.

[James Watts]

length not a bad thing, my normal chapter runs between 5,000 to 10,000 words. My book was short, at 188 pages, but at the time the manuscript went to the publisher it was 288 pages. After typesetting my book got smaller. There are a few errors and typos, same as we all make but nothing major. Keep up the hard work.

[Eidolon Michael]

Oooh I remember this story! It's been awhile since I 've heard or seen anything about it. It's still as good as I thought it was. I hope you continue this book ^_^