The Ballad of the Disenfranchised Popcorn Bowl

Some of us simply exist

in a constant state of panic.

The thoroughly exhausted girl,

with her nerves frayed

and her sanity approaching its curtain call,

watching the mailbox through the sparse snow

of a globally-warmed December,

hoping, dreaming, praying for big envelopes.

The cat that sets land speed records

darting in and out

of randomly selected rooms.

The girl in her bathroom,

frantically waving a stick

and counting on a little pink minus

to allow her to breathe again.

The marine on call,

knowing that he could be plucked

from his wife and son

any time now.

There are times when the panic is inevitable.

But then there are occasions

when you hear the popcorn bowl shatter,

and you know that it's best

to sweep up the shards

and carry on.

Author's Note

I'm not looking to get published anywhere fancy or anything. Not for the time being, at least. This is also one of the first poems I've written since this "poetry book" project we all had to do in the seventh grade — five years ago. So, uh... Go easy, I guess? If anyone ever actually sees this.

Reviews

[Sarahthirk]

I enjoyed reading this. It has a lot of good examples of panic. I found it interesting how you said "nerves frayed." Generally, panic/anxiety is formed when nerves are overactive (or at least that's what I think), but I like the idea that you gave that they are worn out.

[Steelwine]

Welcome to the site, Logan.

The first line of a poem is one of the most crucial elements and I think you've come up with a very nice one here. It's concise, it's non-cliché, it evokes thought even without going further -- but then when we /do/ go further, the second line completely changes our impression of the first line (in a good way). It's actually a very brilliant use of line break. Keep that and try to do more openings like that in your future work.

You have an excellent economy of words. Your descriptions are generally neither too long nor too short. One thing I will warn you away from, however, is the comma + gerund structure that you use a lot (e.g. "the girl..., watching" / "the girl..., waving" / "the marine..., knowing"). Gerunds (-ing forms of verbs) have a nasty habit of making the action's actor ambiguous so it's good to just avoid them wherever they aren't being used as nouns.

The only other thing I would point out is that your verse would benefit greatly from being structured in some way that doesn't need to be necessarily apparent. You can count all sorts of things: words, syllables, beats, lines per stanza, etc. Remember that form fits function. Think: "What is my poem trying to say? What form would help communicate or illustrate this?" What you have here is a rather serious poem so I would suggest something subtle like trimeter or tetrameter (3-4 beats per line to match your excellent opening lines). Your stanzas actually aren't too bad in regards to this; the only problem areas are stanza 2 and the longer lines in stanza 6. Having vastly uneven meter can interrupt reading and make the poem sound awkward.

You have a wonderfully developed voice for not having written in a long time. All you need to do is learn the little tricks that will help polish your poems and make them even better.

If you'd like help in the future, please feel free to PM me. Keep up the good work, I look forward to seeing more.

[Roy]

Although the way the stanzas were written was quite erratic, I found this poem to be interesting to say the least. I enjoy how you've covered a vast amount of characters in this piece, making it more relatable to a wide array of readers.

It's also one that makes you think, about how we are a society in which the foundation is panic. Well done, keep up the good work!