the guilt of an ex

she needs to talk to ex but what does he want from her? to insult her again or something else

I went to work and all I could think about was the phone calls I had to wait to make. Luckily I had managed to get the work done that I needed to finish, but I was still being looked at like I was some sort of home wrecking s**t. Luckily I had thought I had gotten past that the last few weeks, but it appears they still kind of hate me for something that wasn’t totally my fault. So I immersed myself in work and finished my first dating column and showed it to my editor Hilda.

“HI Hilda, this is my first column is it ok to publish.” I said putting it down on her desk.

“Leave it with me and I will get back to you.” She said picking it up and putting in the huge pile of reading she had to do. I really didn’t envy her job. I walked out of Hilda’s office and everyone was looking at me again. So I decided to hold my head high and move above all those people who think they know what happened, when they had absolutely no idea what I have been through the last few days. I can’t take it anymore; the girl who has the desk opposite me just won’t stop giving me looks that are a mixture of pity and hatred. I pick up some work, look at her and say.

“If you have something to say about me then say it to my face, and that goes for everyone you think you know my life you have no idea! So shut it and get over yourself or actually say what you want to my face.” The girl was stunned at what I had I said to her. “Yeah that’s what I thought.” I picked up my stuff and then left. I felt empowered at the fact that for once I had actually stood up by myself; I had taken my life in my own hands and not taken crap from people, and it felt good. I went home and prepared myself to ring Tom and Darren. I sat by the phone thinking of what to say. Then I thought, it doesn’t matter what I say, there is no reason why I should worry about they think of me. I dialled Tom’s number first.

“Hey Tom it is Louise, I just wanted to say thank you for setting everything right, it means a lot to me.”

“It’s alright Louise, it was the right thing to do and now everything should be ok I will not bother you anymore.” I felt so guilty.

“Look Tom I know you didn’t want all this to happen, and seeing as what has happened it would be a shame to just go on like nothing happened. I fully understand if you don’t want to talk to me ever again.”

“Of course I want to talk to you; honestly you haven’t done anything wrong it was me who cheated on my girlfriend I should have had the balls and just broken up with her, I am so much happier now she is out of my life.”

“Well I am glad that you are happy Tom I really am, well if you ever want to hang out give me a call.”

“Of course I will I will talk to you later.”  I thought about it, and Tom wasn’t actually a bad guy just made a few bad choices. I felt really bad for the way I had been to him. At least I have tried to make things better. I now had to call Darren one call I really didn’t want to make. It took a while to work up the courage to do it but I dialled the number and waited for him to pick up.

“Hey Lou thanks for calling back I really am sorry for what I have done to you in the past months.”

“Don’t you think it is a little late for sorry Darren you have hurt me more than I thought anyone could and you didn’t even care!” I had to fight to stop myself crying I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction.

“Of course I care Lou.” My anger was growing and I just couldn’t help it, him saying all this now after everything was just too much.

“You do not! Prove it if you do. If you cared Darren you wouldn’t have done what you did I trusted you with everything and you just threw me away like I meant nothing to you it hurt.”

“I know what I did was unforgivable and I have no idea how I could ever do that to you. I don’t know what came over me, it was a mistake.”

“You think leaving me was a mistake well it’s a bit late for that don’t you think, you have a girlfriend.”

“I am not with her anymore, after what I said I realised that I should never have left you, no one can ever replace you.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing; he wanted me back it is something I wanted ever since he left me. I wish I could believe it but something deep down inside me stopped me from running back to him with open arms.

“You expect me to go running back to you! After everything you said and did to me who do you think I am? stupid and pathetic like you said I was.”

“No I don’t expect that at all, I just hope that maybe we could start over get to know each other again and see where it goes? I will never forgive myself for what I have done to you but at least let me make up for it.” I stood there trying to think of a response, what he said has just knocked me senseless. It was all the things I so desperately wanted to hear but the past stopped me.

“I don’t think I can let you in again, I still love you and a part of me always will but I don’t think I can do to myself anymore.”

“I understand totally can we at least be friends?” His voice dropped I felt sorry for him and guilt at what I had said, but I knew that for me it was the right thing. He hurt me more than I ever imagined, he said things to me I could never forget, I couldn’t stop loving him but I could stop myself getting hurt again.

“Of course you mean too much to me for us to go on life as strangers.” I said it and I meant every word I never thought things would be civil between us, but we can at least try.

Author's Note

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