Dear Jayme. Second Letter To Himself

20 November 2006

It feels like I'm dying. Every part of me feels sore and my head hurts to no end. I can't even hold up my pen properly, my fingers shake uncontrollably and every time the smell of ink hits my nose, my stomach lurches and I have to suppress the urge to throw up. Hiding in this damp room is doing me no good, it's so cramp and disgusting. Ugh.I wake up four times to throw up almost every night and I keep having the feeling I'm being hunted down by the cops. All these withdrawal symptoms are still around even though I've been taking the stuff Lisa has been slipping under the door. I hate this feeling, I hate having to run away..

There the friggin' car goes again. I wish I could just key that darn old thing and break the alarms of it. Don't you feel like there are times where you just want to scream your lungs out? Now is one of those times for me. I feel like tearing my hair out and breaking chairs and tables and whatever I can get my hands on. I have no more meaning in life. I have no more direction. I am desperately in need of more drugs. The only way to do it is to prove myself to Joel..

Ah, yes, I shall prove myself to Joel..that way..I can get the Purple Caps and be on the good side of him. Jayme, you're one smart kid. I shall repay Joel..oh yes, I shall. I'll do whatever he wants. I need them drugs.

Wait, hold on. I can't. Matt. I promised Matt. Matt, Matt, Matty, Matt. Who cares. Oh Matt, how I wish you can just understand me..hah. Like real. I'm sorry, Matt. I need them drugs.

But what if Matt hates me? What if Joel doesn't take me back? Will he kill me? What about Lisa? Hold on, I hear foot steps..or was it just me? I think someone is out there. Someone is out there to get me! I need a gun. I need one now.

I feel like I'm going crazy! Argh! 

I need to breathe.