Dear Jayme. 22nd Letter.

Emily

20 May 2008

It has been months since I last heard of Matt and even longer since I heard from you. My heart breaks so badly for you everyday. Sometimes, I dread sleep waking up, I dread meeting the next day, all because I know that false hope will come over me like a robe, that I'll stay every waking moment thinking about you. Instead, I busy myself with baking. I make muffins, pies, creme bulee, biscuits, cakes and all sort of pastries I have never even tried to make before you disappeared.

Today, I was making chocolate chipped muffins, your favourite, Jayme. I cried into the bowl as usual as I made them, I could not stop thinking about you even as I go through the motions. Mixing in the eggs, I think about your smile as a boy. Pouring in the flour, I remember the size of your palm at thirteen. Sprinkling in the chips, your ruffled hair after watching a football match at fifteen. I watched you grow up and it rips me to watch you fall. I never got to tell you this before you left but everyone will fall at some point in their lives. It all depends on how long they take to get up and how long they choose not to fight. Jayme, I've started fighting again. I've started to stop letting myself control my own life, instead, darling, I chose to let God steer me.

I know it sounds ridiculous to you. I started attending church regularly since you stopped coming home. Even before your court case, I've started to believe that God can change you. Jayme, I know I sound like a lunatic. I know it seems impossible but..somehow Jayme, it is possible.

I was still mixing in the cupcakes when I heard a sound coming from the window. I hoped it was you, but I saw no one. My heart fell again, I mumbled a prayer for you. I believe that the prayers will reach you because I can't.