THE DEAD CITY

 

Jane stood in the chilly shadow of a monstrous skyscraper, staring at the sidewalk beneath her heels. There was no sound except for air blowing between the buildings like the breath of some mighty machine, and crows fighting over a stale piece of bread crust (or perhaps another body), and the buildings around her clicking softly as they ceased their functions and shut down. This surprised her, because she thought for certain the city always sounded like the booming of traffic and buses and taxis. Even with millions of humans lying open-eyed in their own bedrooms, their bodies devoured by plague before they even reached the nothingness of death, it seemed to Jane that the cars and the buses would still come.

 

She found some comfort in the sidewalk, in its softly worn and grey concrete shell, in its constant life that had remained unchanged since she was a child. It cried no tears for the dead, it mourned none and did not cease to be what it had been built to be---it continued its duty of sidewalk without complaint. Staring at it, Jane had an odd thought that if she sat down on the sidewalk and never moved, everything would be alright, and nothing bad would ever happen to her.

 

She sat down slowly. The air blew into her empty ears. Fear had long left her, she had tried to become angry but could not , and her mind wandered through its own alleys numbly, searching for nothing, and finding nothing. The city---what would happen to it? Would it be reinhabited and repopulated? Or would it remain a ghost city, haunted by nothing except the scavenging crows and seagulls? In time, would the skyscrapers tumble? Would the houses flatten and the buildings melt? Would the freeways and bridges crumble into the ocean?

 

Jane placed her hand on the sidewalk next to her, and was surprised to feel something cold and damp under her palm. She looked down, then lifted her hand slowly. Grass, between the sidewalk slabs. Tipping her head and running her red fingertips over the smashed grass, Jane vaguely remembered discovering the grasses when she was younger, quite little, and being disturbed about them being stepped on. She remembered trying to water them, telling people not to walk on the cracks.

 

Now the legs that had once walked on the sidewalk lay as stiff bars of pale, rotting flesh in the houses of the city, and the black business shoes that had smashed the grasses down sat cleanly polished at the foot of the bed, for the next day of work that would never come.

 

Jane stood and stared at the humble stubs of grass. Maybe, just maybe, she thought, stepping away from the crack, if nobody walks here for a long, long time, the grass will become a garden, and grow as tall as the gleaming skyscrapers . . .

Reviews

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I don't agree with Faraday Strange on this one, I think this story is fairly well contained, and says it all with the full circle that you seem to present here. It starts out with the skyscrapers, then you turn to more of the destruction of this establishment, the introduction of a more natural atmosphere, and then the future promise of nature coming back as strongly as the city. That might only be my interpretation of this piece, but I would say that this piece holds up on its own, and conveys a point or message. Whether this is finished or not, it could stand alone as it is.
I think the narrative voice is interesting here with the remembrance of the grass between the slabs and how she tried to keep them from getting smashed and wanting them to grow. It seems to create the tone of the story, almost like a bias against urban developments, which is appealing to those who prefer the more natural world.

I do agree that this could use some polishing, but all works do. In the second paragraph, the repetitiveness of the word 'it' gets a little tiresome. It almost seems rigid in construction. Perhaps if you were to change up the structure of the sentences so that they don't begin with 'it' so often, it would seem more fluid and non-sequential. Another good tool or technique is to find a way to refer to the sidewalk by other names by using metaphors. It generally turns out to be a far more effective technique in writing because it becomes more of a product of showing rather than telling. As it is now, you're telling the reader what the sidewalk is like, you want to show the reader, so that we can 'see' it in our own minds.

Good introspective narrative here, and the description is nice, but I think there's plenty of room for more. Try employing all the senses instead of just touch, sight, and hearing. What about taste? Is the odor of death so strong that she can taste it? Does the city smell of death? Taste and smell are effective senses to convey description, and they're highly underused in a lot of writing.

I think, respectfully of course, that you overuse commas. There are many sentences in this story, as well as others that I have read, that could remain as they are - or even become stronger - if the commas were omitted.

I like this piece a lot. I think it's very simplistic in a very good way, creating interest and intrigue while creating a complete theme in flash fiction length.

[Bella-Marie]

Beautiful. You are an incredible writer Jane. You can make mere stories become a masterpiece. Keep this sort of work up.
Constructive Critisism... maybe a bit long-winded, but that just added to the effect. I don't care about "it"s that was supposed to happen I reckon. I love the fact that the grass seems so... special to her. Grass. Basically a weed. Especially in concrete.
Beeeuoootifuuuuuul.

[Pax Analog]

Apocalyptic!

I could see this grim scenario as a Frank Miller graphic novel, or film adaptation thereof.

It seems rather an opening that one would like a flashback on, like how did the city become dead like this?

Alternately, it has the feeling of a prose-poem written more directly, an evocation of an underlying lifelessness beneath the everyday appearance of life.

At any rate, it leaves the reader brooding over the fragility of urban existence.

[A_Writer]

I enjoyed the imagry and tone of this story. Wonderfully well contained. However, it could be polished a bit and give even more. The potential is definitely there!!

[Dan Bullock]

I'm intrigued wonderfully by your visuals, I'm sat there with you...almost lying on the concrete imagining it turning into a fields of long grass. Except you could lie back and watch the vines grow through the skyscrapers.

I like this piece, it's simple but dream-like. In a good way. :)

[moon manmad]

a good story, short and self-contained, and told mostly through description, which isn't easy to do (at least its not easy for me). I am left wondering, though, what the hell happened. perhaps a sequel?

[Brandon]

Then the shadows come, to melt the cracks, and make the dead whole again.
This peice gave me the [sense] of your wondering mind.
Cheers,
Brandon

[Caleb Benton]

It has been said that the only purpose of writing is so that people can interpret it in their own way and learn from it. One thing that I really loved about this piece is no matter how the reader decides to interpret this, he is going to leave with something; be it a renewed respect for the incessancy of nature or a question about what might cause the death of everyone but Jane. Regardless, this story sticks on ones mind.

The way that I interpret this piece is that not everyone is physically dead. Could it be that by becoming ever more "civilized" we are falling out of tune with our true selves? How happy is a person that lives their entire life walking down concrete sidewalks stepping on small insignificant pieces of nature poking through the cracks of their runway? If we never slow down to enjoy nature, which we are a part of, are we not dead to our natural selves? To me this story is a beautiful, subtle reminder that regardless of how much money we make or what we accomplish in our lives, WE are insignificant to nature. Yes we may affect the ecosystem, but in the end, simple, constant, beautiful nature will outlast us all.

[Angels Fall Sometimes (..]

Riviting (I hope i spelt that right) I loved it! It was awesome! You have beautiful talent!

[Scott Free]

Wow, very very well written! Bravo, Jane!
Very nice cycle of a story, I really enjoyed this.
I am so not used to you writing dark things so I was very surprised when I read this.
You've probably polished this so much with other people's reviews that I would say this is done! Don't worry about it anymore, its' really good!
Just my opinion, of course.

[Kathryn]

Reminds me very much of the movie/book "I am Legend." I like how the story has a small cyclic element in that is begins and ends with the skyscrapers. It is interesting how 'nature' has become concrete, buildings, and asphalt.

There is something to be said about mysteriousness and letting the reader fill in the blanks, however, I think with a little more elaboration, your piece could really start to pull at the reader. I was not really 'emotionally invested' in this random character I knew nothing about- apart from what was presently happening to her and her current thoughts on the current situation.

That being said, this piece was very well written. You've thrown the reader in and made us want more. Deliver. :)