300 Gigamos

A Story by zeuso

Mike buys a 2011 Ford Ranger. Shocking things happen when he drives it.

Mike just won a peculiar car at the police auction. It was a 2011 Ford Ranger. The strangeness didn’t stop at the fact that they didn’t make Ford Rangers in 2011. It was confiscated in a high-speed police chase, and a judge sent the men to a permanent psychiatric hospital. Mike got it for a steal because there’s a massive hole in the bed where a machine gun turret used to be.

As Mike drives home in his new truck, he sees a hitchhiker. He had a regular build, aside from the fact that he was 3’4 with a full beard.

“I’m Eewoo. Where are we going?”

Mike hesitates at the absurdity of a hitchhiker not knowing where he wants to go. “I’m Mike, and I’m headed south.”

“Nope, you’re definitely headed D-0-0-9.”

Now Mike is sure he picked up a drug addict. He stops the car and sternly says, “Get out.”

“What? You’re going to make me get out in D-0�"0-2? I’ll be dead in a heartbeat!”

Mike hears a noise in the distance and realizes a 300-foot-tall robot is shooting lasers out of its eyes.

“What the f**k is that?” Mike is shocked beyond belief.

“This dimension got trashed. Like I said, we can’t stop here.” Eewoo is altogether too calm to encounter a killer robot. “Why don’t you step on it so that thing doesn’t kill us.”

As Mike hits the gas, the robot instantly disappears.

“You’re driving around kind of aimlessly. I find it hard to believe you have a permit to shift dim-”,

“Can you tell me what the f**k is going on?” Mike is frantic.

“I think the dimension shifter in your car is broken. Pop the hood at the next safe place, and I’ll take a look.”

“You’re telling me that Robot’s from another dimension?”

“One, we’re not in anymore. Pull over here.”

As Mike pulls over, he notices people walking around all Eewoos height. As Eewoo looks at something under the hood, Mike can hear him cursing up a storm, obviously frustrated.

“Your dimension shifter is misfiring and stolen. Two things I want nothing to do with. Anyway, I’m home and will get as far away from you as possible.”

“But wait! How do I get back to my dimension?” Mike says moments before a bright light shines over the two of them and slowly lifts them into a flying saucer.

As they’re suspended in the light, Eewoo starts screaming, “I thought he had a permit, and I didn’t know it was stolen!”

Suddenly, they find themselves behind bars inside the UFO. An 8’ tall blue man is at the controls. “Two in custody,” he says into a tiny microphone.

“I am Goran from the Department of Interdimensional Security. You’re both under arrest for wreckless dimension shifting. Can either of you produce a Shifting Permit?”

Eewoo chimes in. “He doesn’t have one. I was just getting a ride home.”

Mike pleads with Goran, “I don’t know what’s happening. If you could put me back where I was, I would never drive that truck again.”

Goran is very stern. “It’s not so simple. You’ve violated the law, and you must pay the price.”

“I didn’t even know my truck had that thing in it. I just bought it, and I want to go home. You can keep the truck. I don’t even want it anymore!”

Goran shouts, “Ignorance of the law is no excuse! Now be silent!”

Eewoo is sitting in the back corner of the jail cell as Mike is hanging onto the bars, examining the ship, trying to figure everything out.

Eewoo looks hopeless. “It’s no use. When the D.I.S. picks you up, you’re always assumed guilty.”

Goran picks up the microphone again. “Permission to drop two subjects into the penal colony.”

The radio responds. “Drop approved in 5.”

Goran walks over to the jail cell. “The two of you are getting 300 gigamos in the penal colony. After which, you will both be returned to your original dimensions.”

“I think this is one big misunderstanding. I bought that truck at a police auction-”

“Stop with the excuses. You’ve been caught!” Goran is all business.

The flying saucer stops, and Mike and Eewoo are lowered into the penal colony. As they get closer and closer, Mike notices there are no humans.

“He sentenced us to 300 gigamos. How long is that?”

“Not very long in the grand scheme of things. Which dimension are you from?”

Mike thinks for a second. “The third, maybe?”

“Ahh, I see now. One gigamo is equivalent to 1034 human days. You should have said you were from the third dimension. The D.I.S. would have just put you back there.”