Swallow ins

A Poem by ZeStrange

The dark lords hover above me,

estocs wielding in all its glory.

I dodge at every blow,

as I fall onto my knees.

Survival of the fittest,

they say …

You fall on your knees, to save your own.

Life's a gamble that way …

a horrible gamble. a horrible game.

You are a weakling,for the world ...

when all your battle wounds are on show.

You are a weakling …

when you regurgitate the chaos.

It will take another lifetime to accept the swallow ins.

You neither have friend or foe.

This life with all its improbabilities,

a black-hole sucking you in deeper…

into a never-ending abyss.

Blessed are those who are embalmed in the beauties life has to offer…

Blessed are those who accept the swallow ins…

Blessed those who are liberated ….

© 2013 ZeStrange

Compartment 114
Compartment 114

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Clouded in Hopeful Illu..

There is a lot going on here and it is really vague in some lines that I believe if you tightened it up, it would be a strong and moving piece. There are so many repetitions throughout the piece that it is hard to not get caught up in them. When a reader starts recognizing the same word within a short amount of time, the brain has a tendency to “fill in the blanks” and actually causes the reader to skip a line or two. In short pieces and poetry, that is incredibly harmful.

“The dark lords hover above me” – I would like to see more of these dark lords. What origin might they have that would cause them to feared? Is it dark lords from old mythology or ancient civilizations? Or maybe something altogether new? I am in no way asking for you to put a name on these dark lords, but rather to think about who these dark lords are to you, as the writer, and to show the readers a little taste of their “glory”. What, as a writer, could you say that would make us, the reader, want to bow down on our knees because we know it would be the only way to save ourselves?

“Survival of the fittest,
they say…
You fall on your knees, to save your own.” – These three lines seem redundant and unnecessary in the poem. We already get the sense that the speaker is falling to their knees in order to save their own hide and, unfortunately, “survival of the fittest” is cliché and sounds so here with the style of the piece.

“Life’s a gamble that way…
a horrible gamble. a horrible game.” – This would be a great place to show the readers some action – give us a sense of who these dark lords really are and what kind of world we are seeing. This is one of those places where there is too much repetition and words that are similar, such as gamble, gamble, game. I would like to see the speaker’s gamble or play in this particular part, because even though the piece is written in first person, we don’t really get a sense of who is speaking to us or how they are getting along within the piece.

“You are a weakling, for the world…
when all your battle wounds are on show.” – The change from “I” as a speaker to “you” – being spoken too – is a little jarring and takes the readers out of the poem. If you stuck to “I” as the speaker, it would invite us to feel and experience everything that the speaker is feeling and therefore, be able to experience the poem. How is this speaker weak and what are the wounds from? We don’t have to know specifics but give us something to go on. There are so many different ways to be weak – weak of character, weak of heart, weak in faith, weak physically and so on. Tighten it up and give us something to relate to as your readers.

“You are a weakling…
when you regurgitate the chaos.” – The vibe I pick up from this piece is that this is a destroy world that the speaker is living in and is divided by war and tragedy. With that being said, I have a slight problem with this line. When I read “regurgitate the chaos” I think that the speaker is now joining in on this bloodshed ordeal and causing others to fall beneath them on their knees and bow like the speaker once had. If that is the case, then the weakness is that of the inability to stand up and fight a towering source. That’s all fine and dandy, but if the weakness stated here is the same as above, then there needs to be some kind of clarification as to the kind of weakness as I was saying above. To be able to bring others to their knees (if you go off my own personal interpretation) is a great physical and mental strength, but not one of spiritual or faith. I hope that makes sense.

“Blessed are those who are embalmed in the beauties life has to offer…
Blessed are those who accept the swallow ins…
Blessed those who are liberated” – I think you are missing an “are” on this very last line. I enjoy this little twist at the end because it almost mocks the piece in its entirety. It shows this weakness and the small will to fight but be knocked down and then at the end, it’s as if the dark lords are reaching out their hands saying, “if you join us, you shall want for nothing”. It’s marvelous really. That very last line is so strong with the way that it is lead up to.

Posted 10 Years Ago

“The dark lords hover above me” – I would like to see more of these dark lords. What origin might they have that would cause them to feared? Is it dark lords from old mythology or ancient civilizations? Or maybe something altogether new? I am in no way asking for you to put a name on these dark lords, but rather to think about who these dark lords are to you, as the writer, and to show the readers a little taste of their “glory”. What, as a writer, could you say that would make us, the reader, want to bow down on our knees because we know it would be the only way to save ourselves?

“Survival of the fittest,
	they say…
You fall on your knees, to save your own.” – These three lines seem redundant and unnecessary in the poem. We already get the sense that the speaker is falling to their knees in order to save their own hide and, unfortunately, “survival of the fittest” is cliché and sounds so here with the style of the piece.

“Life’s a gamble that way…
	a horrible gamble. a horrible game.” – This would be a great place to show the readers some action – give us a sense of who these dark lords really are and what kind of world we are seeing. This is one of those places where there is too much repetition and words that are similar, such as gamble, gamble, game. I would like to see the speaker’s gamble or play in this particular part, because even though the piece is written in first person, we don’t really get a sense of who is speaking to us or how they are getting along within the piece.

“You are a weakling, for the world…
	when all your battle wounds are on show.” – The change from “I” as a speaker to “you” – being spoken too – is a little jarring and takes the readers out of the poem. If you stuck to “I” as the speaker, it would invite us to feel and experience everything that the speaker is feeling and therefore, be able to experience the poem.  How is this speaker weak and what are the wounds from? We don’t have to know specifics but give us something to go on. There are so many different ways to be weak – weak of character, weak of heart, weak in faith, weak physically and so on. Tighten it up and give us something to relate to as your readers.

“You are a weakling…
	when you regurgitate the chaos.” – The vibe I pick up from this piece is that this is a destroy world that the speaker is living in and is divided by war and tragedy. With that being said, I have a slight problem with this line. When I read “regurgitate the chaos” I think that the speaker is now joining in on this bloodshed ordeal and causing others to fall beneath them on their knees and bow like the speaker once had. If that is the case, then the weakness is that of the inability to stand up and fight a towering source. That’s all fine and dandy, but if the weakness stated here is the same as above, then there needs to be some kind of clarification as to the kind of weakness as I was saying above. To be able to bring others to their knees (if you go off my own personal interpretation) is a great physical and mental strength, but not one of spiritual or faith. I hope that makes sense.

“Blessed are those who are embalmed in the beauties life has to offer…
Blessed are those who accept the swallow ins…
Blessed those who are liberated” – I think you are missing an “are” on this very last line. I enjoy this little twist at the end because it almost mocks the piece in its entirety. It shows this weakness and the small will to fight but be knocked down and then at the end, it’s as if the dark lords are reaching out their hands saying, “if you join us, you shall want for nothing”. It’s marvelous really. That very last line is so strong with the way that it is lead up to.

Rating /100