Required

Forty years have passed, and the only thing I've learned is that some people such as myself are not here to succeed.  I know there are other people out there with more difficult lives, and better success stories, but not every pony grows up to be a Pegasus.  

My Dad did everything he could to make me a decent being, and I have tried to be that person.  I have failed.  What I have succeeded in is helping others, pulling them up when they are getting drug through the horrors, and be a gentleman.  It is one of two things I can be proud of.  It pays no bills.  Maybe I need to become the selfish person Jennifer Vance has portrayed me to be?  Or the d****e that f***s everything and regrets nothing because he doesn't have to?  The sins I have committed HAVE provided me with immense pleasure and knowledge.  My problem seems to be that I can't shred the moral fibre I have woven over these years.

My Mom has always been too busy.  I asked her to show me how to cook; "I can't right now, I'm too busy".  I asked my Mom to show me how to sew; "I can't, I'm too busy".  I asked her for recipes since I taught myself to "cook"; "I have to find them, and I don't have the time".  I just stopped asking her for knowledge.  Whenever I had a new girlfriend she'd ask me when she would get grandchildren.  She has a grandchild.  Only one.  He is twenty one years old and she has seen him once.  As a child.  I know I'm fucked up, but at least I admit it.

My brother is very similar to my Mom.  He is only happy being aggressively angry.  Dad and Mom are scared of him.  He has a different father than I, but I used to say that if anybody saw it differently, I'd settle it for them real quick.  I no longer see it that way.  He is my half brother.  Facts are facts.

My sister is mentally like my Mom also.  Stubborn as can be, and unrelenting, even when wrong.  She has a different father also.  She also has a chip on her shoulder that has been there for over five years.  It stems from some Facebook bullshit, if not her view for so many years.  She decided it is more feasible to be mad at Dad and Mom for not telling her that my Dad is not her Dad.  So she's angry at a man that raised her for not telling her that the man who co created her didn't find her worthy enough to stick around.

And then there's me.  Unsuccessful, weak, and angry.  My anger is quiet.  I don't take it out on anybody, unless I have to defend myself.  Which I rarely do.  The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.  Apparently I can make my own personal Hell on Earth.  I have made many mistakes and disappointed a lot of people, I will never deny that, but are constant reminders necessary?  

Like I stated, there is no artistic intent in this piece.  This is more a journal entry that I need to put in a book.  A book that I will one day burn.

Reviews

[Carol Cashes]

Quite the journal entry. And I hope that as you continue to write, you'll look back and read this and say "Wow, I've come a long way".

Well written. Not any grammar issues I noticed, but they pretty much have to be glaring for me to point out. I leave that to others.

I understand your feelings about your siblings perfectly. While for different reasons, I feel no real connection to mine, either.

[zero binty]

Thanx for the review. While there are times that I have looked back and felt positive about the ground I've covered, my Mom chooses to hold my past against me. It hasn't been until recently that I've been able to separate myself from her hateful views. As for my siblings, we used to be tight knit. Something happened along the way to distance ourselves from each other. Once again, thank you for your words and time.

[alanwgraham]

I guess this is personal experience. There will not be much consolation in knowing that many have similar experiences. Some fight so that these experiences don't define them. I think there is some artistic merit in your writing and it is brave and honest to share the story with others.
Well done.
Regards,
Alan

[zero binty]

Yah, this is strictly personal experience. It's the part of my life that I don't talk with anybody about, so it goes here. I know people go through similar situations, if not worse. It doesn't define me, I just put it here so that I can read through it in an outsiders perspective. That and a) it may help others, and b) if someone can offer insight that I haven't seen yet, then it helps me also. Thanx for reviewing mah fren'.