To Do, Or Not To Do

For under a hundred dollars, I can register Bootydo as an Emotional Support Animal.  Given that He's really the only one I talk to, I can't really say that that statement is untrue.  This guy is genuinely the only constant in a chapter of my life that is marred with the stains of mistakes.

Those keeping a silent watch know that I've lost who was supposed to, well, finish that however you see fit.  My family brings up the past more than the channel Boomerang.  My brother keeps my Mom in check through fear, and treats my Dad like a child. My Dad has Alzheimer's, and my brother is retired military, so patience is low, and anger is high.  Since he is ex military, everything is okay.  Since I am a failure, all transgressions need to be constantly brought to all discussions regardless of subject matter.

So Bootydo really is all I've got, I think Emotional Support Animal is a really simplified term for something much greater.  A genuine happiness when I come home clears a bit of the murkiness so that the path to happiness is a little clearer.  A slight warmth washes over my crumbled soul when he mumbly-howls.  Mumbly-Howls is when he does that "Rooooooooooooo" noise, but he has a certain panache about it.

I don't deny having some kind of mental condition, I just deny treatment, because I can't afford it.  It only recently became clear when I was talking to someone who has offered a less hateful view on my life.  He told me that I only do things for others, but rarely, if ever, for myself.  That lesson was singed into my soul by my father.  He took on the responsibility of so many others, but he was strong and coordinated enough to achieve success.  I don't, but still tried to be an actual man when I got my sons' mother pregnant.  I've helped people back into sobriety.  I've been peoples' shoulder to lean on, to cry on.  I've been a heart for females to occupy until they are strong enough to see that I am not worth the effort.

Which brings me to my closing.  I have never defended myself; I don't need people  that can't accept me through what is surmised about me through someone else's anger.  I am not successful in life, and I have seemingly insurmountable issues.  Hope and beliefs may end me, but I can't let them go.