Light Breaking

The sound of lightly playing music brings me out of the blackness I dream in.  RIsing to face another day I am never ready for, but face it since there really is no alternative without unanswered questions.  Is overthinking the result of insomnia, or is insomnia the result of overthinking?  Either way, being exhausted is the way of life.  I take Bootydo out and let him do his business, usually after I do mine.  I come in to make a small plate of nothingness to eat, because the hunger is gone.  Coffee though, coffee is always there.  But life is making me lose that lust also.  When one has given everything they've got, it seems that someone, somewhere just finds it right to take it.  Giving up has never been in my book of life, but this chapter seems to bring a new plot map that seems to be authored by Chuck Palahniuk...severely fucked up.  Well, maybe not that severely, but enough to test one's mental and emotional capacity.  But this book isn't over, and this heart is still beating.  Dragging through the day as if chains attach me to this Earth, I get into the shower to ready myself for work. Bootydo goes into the room to lay on his bed, knowing full well that soon I will be gone.  I try to wash away the me that has blanketed my soul in this skin. This skin that has broken the bonds of love, broken bonds of family, and granted access to all the negativity from those who I did love.  But this skin will not be washed away. I cannot scrape or scrub away what I have become. It is me, I am that person.  The water does wake a certain life in me though. As I breathe in the steam, my senses regain a slight grip, and the day starts to gain speed.  I throw on pants, tank top, shoes, and fake smile.  I kneel down to Bootydo and spend a couple of minutes letting him know that I'm sorry that I have to go. I make the twenty minute drive smoking two cigarettes on the way, and one more when I reach the parking lot.  I spend the first four hours playing catch up because nobody covers the aisles I work. Fake smile now gritting to the point where I have worn down enamel.  Hour break, to which I grab a small meal only to keep my blood sugar from going so low that I have an insulin reaction. Four more hours of catching other people up so that I don't have to spend more time at work than I really want to. This is when the light breaks. Clocking out and making my path to my truck, that's when a majority of the pressure lifts. I follow Baymeadows to Southside, make a right, and drive with the windows down to let the muggy night air lightly blow against my skin like the short breaths escaping the lips of my Babygirl when we were close. I turn down Ivey, left on Libra, and finally, right on Aquarius.  As I take my keys out,I hear Bootydo get up and shake his little wiggle shake that all doges do. I open the bedroom door, and that's when the darkness temporarily subsides. In the first ten minutes,I don't feel useless, I don't feel the anger/disappointed/hatred of those that "love" me. The constant wagging tail, the constant dog kisses he gives me, the way he settles down into the crook of my arm to anchor me there for a little while longer.

This goofy runt is the only thing that has kept me from eating a bullet. The soul that he possesses is proof enough that the things I owned owned me. I've given it all away, save a few memories. With damaged armor and lacking possessions, I continue on. Taking cues and hints from Bootydo,I hope to be a better person.