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I've been active.  I've taken Bootydo on walks.  I've worked my scheduled hours.  I've spent times with friends.  I've written pieces that will never be seen by your eyes.

I just want to know how to stop.

I can't live in these conditions.  My damaged soul is struggling to move forward, but the memories turn the stepping stones into stumbling.

I've stopped texting you.  I deleted my social media accounts.  I moved to another side of town.

My train of thought is out of control, no matter what I do, no matter where I try to lead it.  If I can't avoid it, this train wreck is going to be spectacular.

I'm tired.  I can't control the, for lack of a better word, the chaos.  To outside observers, chaos is an overestimation, but they don't see the thought process.  They don't see the struggle to exist, so I only tell my story to this haven of anonymity.

I talk to myself.  A metric s**t tonne.  It's a constant conversation about the nothing that is my everything.  One reason I do it is because my mind wanders right back to the pain.

I need to stop.

I reach out to ones who should not have to endure my story.  I try to remember the memories that blossom from younger years.  The ones that didn't include you.  It does no good, because the love I had for you shatters my concentration.  All because I chose a path that makes me feel and love with the deepness of my heart and soul.  Stupid choices lead to stupid results.

I have to stop.

I've put in employment applications to try to at least increase my financial status.  I was exercising to try to improve my health.  I had lost about ten pounds because I didn't eat for a couple of days.  I first started out in the sadness that separation brings.  Micro victories gave a positive spin to the lie I live.  Memories and anger washed away my ability to hold on to that positiveness.  I shelled myself back into the broken armor of failure.  The familiarity comforts me.  The sad truth that only in failure do I know the truths in life makes success all the more evasive to any grasp I would have.