Replace

I gave roughly 1095 days to a soul that seemed to only give a half hour of a lifetime.  I gave you very little, but it was all I had.  Everything I had done in the past was to prepare me for what I needed to do for you.  I knew what the end result would be, but a fool like myself is constantly trying to change my fate.

A chance encounter with you led to a chapter of my life that would weaken me so much more than I have been in my past.  You were walking with your son who remembered me faintly even though it had been almost twelve years.  You ran into my arms, which I was not really prepared for.  You were thin, frail, had a slur in your voice, and seemed to be a little more than out of it.  Those facts being clear, I remembered.  I remembered you before the world took quite a bit of your lust for life. And when I met up with you at your parents place, I told your Dad that I was going to give him his daughter back. He looked me dead in the eyes and said"Good luck Jose, a lot of people have tried, but no one has been able to." It wasn't determination that helped me succeed, nor was it luck. I succeeded with a balance of twenty five percent love, and seventy five percent the knowledge that this is my purpose in life. That may sound horrible, but I went in knowing that I can love unconditionally, but anyone attempting to return the emotion will be damaged. Within the first couple of days of hanging out, you told me that you have always had feelings for me. I told you that I'm broken, but I let slip that I've felt the same. So in essence, I take full responsibility for furthering this spiral.  Bad decisions never look bad at the time they are made.  After working all night at Publix, I would come to your parents house and spend time with you.  It progressed to me staying there, but not before I asked your parents first.  Seeming to further help you, they agreed.  Your Dad and I would smoke cigarettes, talk, and joke in the garage while you would take a nap, quite often.  He told me he had a lot of respect for what I was doing and that he was thankful that you met me.  His face conveyed a sincerity and respect not meant for someone like me.  I told him not to thank me until his daughter was back completely.  As time passed our conversations spread across all topics like a raven spreading it's wings, readying for flight.  With each word passing between us, our mutual respect and friendship grew to family-like bonds.  When I was kept from my own father by my mother's constant disdain for my life, he propped me up and made me feel like his own son.

We moved in less than six months later.  I was already staying at a place essentially rent free, but being employed at two places full time, although exhausting, made me feel like I could afford to lose health if I could gain your trust.  In your still not completely clear mind, you were convinced that this was true love.  I so desperately wanted to believe the lie.  I cleaned the apartment almost daily, worked two jobs, and let your brother and his son stay with us.  The deck was stacked against me, but I never relented.  Your son would visit, your brothers' other son would visit, and I constantly kept cleaning.  Any time I would bring up sharing some responsibility, I could count the next two days to be filled with arguments and a return to the negativity I had grown accustomed to before we met back up again.  All because I wanted to fill the ever increasing hole in my soul.  While you got better, you left me notes saying how thankful you were, and that you never wanted to lose me.  I kept trying to believe, but it was never the whole truth, and I knew it.

But I tried.  I tried so hard.  I took you on drives throughout the city to jog your memories.  I took you and your son to the pool hall where we used to hang out as teenagers before it shuttered.  I took you and your son to the mini golf course that we had hung out in high school, also before it closed down.  I was there for every single detail you wanted to let me know.  I was there for every tear you cried.  I tried to comfort you when you felt the world was too much, and back you in every decision you made.  I drove you everywhere because of your inability to acquire your license.

I tried to leave myself open to you, but you didn't want to listen.  I was telling you why I have my issues and why I am what I am.  It was a story that you didn't want to hear.  Like many others before me, and many more to come, I just wanted to be loved, so I accepted the results.  Like many others before me, and many more to come, my desire for acceptance and companionship let me lose my own focus and drive.  I didn't just slip, to elevate you I voluntarily jumped from that ladder and self destructed to reach the goal quicker.

I gave you everything I am, and that day you threw it all back to me in pieces.  The thing is, in the shattered me that was strewn all across the floor, I found the pieces of myself that I had lost long ago.