You, My Son, Are One Today

Like a world spinning through dark space

So fast it seems fixed and unmovable 

But it still holds the appearance of force 

that comes from the momentum

of a planet spiraling thousands of miles an hour

around and around 

held in place

by the gravity of its orbit.

In this dark room

You affect me this way 

Your gaze while I cradle you

holds placid awareness

Analyzing me with no evidence of effort.

Just the spiraling momentum

Gripping my insides

With the gravity of a planet.

Author's Note

First draft, help me polish it!

-obviously trying to recreate the feeling of my son's gaze late at night on his first bday
-tried using little punctuation and extra spacing to give the feeling of space and quiet, also extend the simile
-I value simplicity - don't shy away from helping me see what words/phrases aren't adding meaning or value

Reviews

[MAD ENGLISHMAN]

Well my friend this piece is really not bad at all for a first time.
I tend to write on 'word' and go back to it regularly to see if it sounds right when reading again and again. When I'm happy I can't make it better then I publish it.
I'm not going to criticise this piece. It evoked memories in me of my own children as babies. Job done. It worked.
I'm sure others will help you to improve more than I could.
More please.