Last light

On a day like this,

The languid breeze

Barely stirs the leaves.

The sun hides low,

Sinking behind a cloudbank;

The birds come home to roost,

Softly murmuring, murmuring;

As the sky slowly slips away,

Making room for the universe.

 

17 April, 2016

Reviews

[V]

Great choice of words, there's so much tenderness and gentleness in it. Your words create vivid images like a poetic description of a beautiful end of a day. Yet I think the word And in the line before the last one reads a tiny little bit clumsy in comparison to your other so exceptionally nice reading ones.

[Zugzwang]

Yeah, you may be right....I don't see an instant solution so I'm going to have to think that one over.
Thanks for the feedback, very constructive :)

[V]

You're welcome. I support constructive criticism.

[Stan Lee]

Change it to "While" maybe?

[Zugzwang]

Yar, I thought of that, but already have 'as' 3 lines back. I feel I need to sequence it after that

[Stan Lee]

True. :) Anyhow I liked it a lot. Beautiful imagery.

[Zugzwang]

Thanks, Andronicus. I'll play around with it and see what I come up with. Might be able to save it yet!

[V]

Or maybe leave out as before birds and use it instead of and in the line I pointed out. As the sky...You don't need the as before birds in my opinion, it'd match even better with the pattern of the other lines.

[Zugzwang]

Good idea. I used a semicolon to join the clauses and put them together in one line. I think it still reads well-let me know what you think.
Cheers,
z.

[V]

I'm actually not sure about the use of semicolons...I think I'd just use commas and maybe even a period after murmuring. And as instead of and before sky. But all changes are up to you.

[Zugzwang]

Yar, good point about the "as". I'll look at the semicolons later when I'm in more of a punctuation mood.

[V]

Ok. Laters

[Zugzwang]

Ciao now :)

[Gaia Octavia]

Brilliant. Love it. The end! ☺

[Zugzwang]

Short and sweet. Thank you! :)

[Lyn Anderson]

What a beautiful way to describe the passing of the day.

[Zugzwang]

Thank you so much. It was a fabulous afternoon!!

[jacob erin-cilberto]

part of the universe is the sky...and i love the way you used it...as if part of something was missing...making room for it to come back---feelings....
i find this piece allegorical in nature...

makes me feel inspired myself, reading this....that is why i love WC...i find so much inspiration from other writers on this site...
thank you

j.

[Zugzwang]

Yes, that's true, the sky IS part of the universe! I thought it was a bit strange putting that line in there, but it seemed to work so I just went with it.
And yes, most of my poems have an allegorical aspect to them.
I'm glad you liked this one, Jacob.
Thanks for dropping by,
z.