A ghost lingering
in broken halls that
once belonged to
complete people.
A part of me feels
blinded to the reality
of the unloving world
that is offering itself to me.
Desolation is all
that I can see and
that is all I appear
to be to everyone,
A saturnine soul roaming.
I think I am invisible.
Comments:
So, this is a cool idea. However, you switch up your verb tense. Since the reader has no reference to what has happened in the past, it's a bit confusing. It will come across more powerfully if you stick to one tense. I chose present in the edit.
Second, this is sort of a general comment and suggestion. Lingering requires a place to linger. It's not really an action like walking where you could say, "I walk broken halls." It's implied that you're walking through the halls, and though a little odd at first, it still works. With lingering, you have to say where you're lingering. So, I'm not sure whether you looked it up in a thesaurus or not (which is a great idea, all the best poets utilize every tool available to them), but if you did, make sure that you look up examples of the word in sentences so you don't miss tiny little things like that.
Other than those small comments, I enjoyed it. Good job :))
A heartbreaking, emotional piece Melody...
We often feel like this, and the way you've expressed it is very clear and provided an imagery of desolation for the readers
Well done, keep it up!