Invisible

Invisible

A Poem by z.chéri
"

I am treated like i don't exist.

"
I think i am invisible.
A ghost lingering 
broken halls that 
once belonged to
complete people.
A part of me felt
blinded to the reality
of the unloving world
that was on offer.

Desolation was all
that i could see and
that is all i ever appeared
to be to everyone.
A saturnine soul roaming. 
I think i am invisible.

© 2017 z.chéri


Author's Note

z.chéri
Feeling numb. - Melody x

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Reviews

feeling this way feels pervasive, permanent, and personal...but there are rays of light one can use as signposts

Posted 7 Years Ago


Gave me a feel as if a ghost was speaking.

Posted 7 Years Ago


funny how you can be made to feel by others,maybe you need to change your crowd

Posted 7 Years Ago


Grammar corrections/optional edits:

I think I am invisible.

A ghost lingering
in broken halls that
once belonged to
complete people.

A part of me feels
blinded to the reality
of the unloving world
that is offering itself to me.



Desolation is all
that I can see and
that is all I appear
to be to everyone,

A saturnine soul roaming.
I think I am invisible.

Comments:

So, this is a cool idea. However, you switch up your verb tense. Since the reader has no reference to what has happened in the past, it's a bit confusing. It will come across more powerfully if you stick to one tense. I chose present in the edit.

Second, this is sort of a general comment and suggestion. Lingering requires a place to linger. It's not really an action like walking where you could say, "I walk broken halls." It's implied that you're walking through the halls, and though a little odd at first, it still works. With lingering, you have to say where you're lingering. So, I'm not sure whether you looked it up in a thesaurus or not (which is a great idea, all the best poets utilize every tool available to them), but if you did, make sure that you look up examples of the word in sentences so you don't miss tiny little things like that.

Other than those small comments, I enjoyed it. Good job :))

Posted 7 Years Ago


You expressed your emotions really well.

Posted 7 Years Ago


A heartbreaking, emotional piece Melody...
We often feel like this, and the way you've expressed it is very clear and provided an imagery of desolation for the readers
Well done, keep it up!

Posted 7 Years Ago


This is such a beautiful read!
I loved your words in this one, made me relate to them.

Thank you for sharing!

Posted 7 Years Ago


"A saturnine soul roaming.
I think i am invisible."...loved these lines.
a beautiful poem, dear.


Posted 7 Years Ago


another wonderful poem from you....very good...nicely written.

Posted 7 Years Ago


nice poem and thanks for sharing this .

keep writing my friend.

Posted 7 Years Ago



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Added on July 19, 2017
Last Updated on July 19, 2017
Tags: sad, leaving, haiku, perfect, complete, hurt, overwhelmed, love, human, moments, knew, crying, cried, yourself, myself, wretched, rhythm, heartbeat, moving, dead, destroyed, us, together, careful

Author

z.chéri
z.chéri

Melbourne, Australia



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*used to be simple melody* ♡ 'The true poem rests between the words' ― Vanna Bonta more..

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