On Parting

A poem about broken love

I feel the beatings of your heart

    Strive towards me with steel-bound love,

And though as now we are apart

   I can’t love you more than enough.

 

You are to me my bonnie lass,

    And all my darkest woes expressed

Can ne’er outnumber all in past

    Our joint-found years now put to rest.

 

I see tears from your eyes like brine

    Fall down your cold and withered cheek.

No words roll off the tongue of mine

    If only hearts and souls could speak.

 

I would say what could find my heart

    In fairest prose or poetry.

What pity now that we’re apart,

    For you meant the whole world to me.

Reviews

[Abdul Aziz]

You never fail to delight us with your poetry. Although predominantly sad, rhythm and rhyme have an uplifting effect on the whole poem. I loved many individual lines. "Bonnie lass" reminds me of Wordsworth. It seems we've been reading the same poets :)

There is one little suggestion I have, which is "Nothing comes out from tongue of mine". Although I understand the sacrifice you've made for the sake of meter, I don't think it sounds correct. Do look at this.

Another great effort from you!

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

Like Dr. Wood, I find that this poem stumbles in places for me:

"I feel the beatings of your heart
Strive towards me with steel-bound love
And though as now we are in part
I can’t love you more than enough"

Line 3, "in part" is strange. "apart" perhaps is what you mean? It would definitely be more appropriate and gramatically correct.


"You are to me my bonnie lass
And all my darkest woes expressed
Can ne’er outnumber all in pass
Our joint-found years now put to rest"

Line 3, the word "pass" is the inappropriate tense and should be "past" instead. You need to rework this stanza in order to maintain your rhyme scheme and grammar.

"I see white tears fall from eyes thine
And down your cold and withered cheek
Nothing comes out from tongue of mine
If only hearts and souls could speak"

Line 1, "eyes thine" is awkward. It's just inappropriate English in my opinion and appears to be twisted for the sake of the rhyme.

I don't mind the use of Old English. In fact, I love it. What disturbs me is when the words are mangled for the sake of the rhyme. I find the lack of punctuation off-putting as well.

[Sami Khalil]

I like the classic and modern feel to this nice poem...:)...............

[Dr. Wood ?]

I tink it sort of stumbles a little , but that is not to say it is not a great plea from the heart....You are so good with this style

[Rita L. Sev]

You have a way with making classic-style poetry sound new, Gleb. This is beautiful and tugs at the heart.

[Adam Crate]

This is a very profound poem that I found a lot of meaning in. While it can be taken as a love that once was, I can also see it being a love that still is but one of the partners has died. It has a chilling quality to the prose which made me think of death, but that also can apply to the death of a relationship. My favorite lines were definitely:

"Nothing comes out from tongue of mine
If only hearts and souls could speak"

I love it! Excellent writing and a very deep topic.