Oooh, Aah and Ouch

Ooh, Aah and Ouch

“Ma ma telephone ma ma telephone when I’m”

 I hopped off my bike, slung my backpack on my shoulder and gaily walked to the college gate still humming the tune to that song. There ahead behind the canteen in a corner shaded by trees was a low wall overlooking the girls’ campus. Why the professors had not yet discovered it was beyond me but as usual my friends and a couple of misfits were staring across at the other side hoping against hope that some girl would spot them and come over.

‘’Tis tis tis’’ I clucked my tongue looking disapprovingly.

‘Shut up’ was the reply I got from my best friend Danish.

“There should be a limit to hopelessness, I mean come on” I’d given this lecture many times but he was beyond the reasoning stage. So I plopped up near him and searched across to the forbidden land.

“All I want is to talk can’t someone just give me their number.”

“Danish there’s a college of three hundred on this side ready to talk, so would you leave this already?”

“You don’t get it.” Was the mournful reply.

“Oh I get it you’re having a hormonal overflow it often happens at this……. Who is that?” A certain girl definitely new had caught my eye and I’m not exaggerating when I say that my mouth fell open. Danish turned weary eyes in the direction I was pointing and slowly smiled. “See now that is a sight, that’s what I call….” Danish was smirking by now and slowly mouthing the words hormonal overflow. Before I could babble more he satisfied my curiosity.

“New girl moved here from Lahore name Ayesha and ………..” he was pointing to a group of six foot tall guys sitting near the entrance of the bio department. They were commonly called butchers and as the name suggested they weren’t exactly friendly. Danish was about to tell me something but at the present my senses were blocked.

“Forget that just get me her number,” Danish raised his eyebrows quizzically.

 “Just to talk of course.”

“I’ll see what I can do.” Just then the girl as if by some instinct turned full face towards me and I drooled a long, “Ooooooooooh!”

Later that day Danish called Asim who called Billal who called his sister who called her friend who called another friend who passed Ayesha’s number down the line to me. From there it started. We did just talk about random stuff at first and then it got bit adult and then it got well but anyway it was just talk. On face book or by email or by the cell phone, I was in contact with her twenty four seven. It came now my turn to be sitting at the wall and Danish’s turn to lecture.

“Ra ra ahaa ra ra roma romama gaga oolalal ….”

BEEP.

I jumped off my chair dived across the bed (for style only), snatched the cell off the floor and read the sms. I read it again just to be sure but there it was right in front of me. She had asked me to meet her at a secluded park a few streets down my house. I took the phone back to my chair and as I leaned backwards, I sighed satisfied,

“Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Danish thought it was a bad idea. I thought it was pretty near nirvana since even though I planned in the end to bang the girl I still wanted to goof off with her for a while. Danish again tried to tell me something but hey I was blinded and deafened by love (well at least by the idea of it). I didn’t think she’d tell anyone about our little intercourse (no I mean seriously this is Pakistan’s society where boyfriend girlfriend weren’t exactly the norm and more precisely this was Okara, the home of the Parrots a.k.a Wahabis) but still if anyone found out I would be dead to say the least. In any case I was too happy and I admit enjoying it to check up on who her family was ( when you live in a conservative society never hook up with respectable daughters) and come Friday had hummed every romantic sappy song I knew. I’d taken great care dressing (the first time that had happened) and lied to mom that I was going to Danish’s house. It was dark by the time I was hidden behind the giant oak tree and waiting for her. Five minutes after I’d reach there I heard someone jogging up the track. I slid further back in the shadows but too late they’d already seen me. As they approached I recognized one of them as butcher no.1. He stopped right next to me and I wondered for awhile if I’d disrespected him in anyway. He smiled an ogre smile and slung his arm around my neck.

“Hey look who it is my buddy Kashif. What up? Whatcha doing in the park at this time? Waiting for someone eh eh?” he nudged me and it was all I could do not to wince in pain. “So listen I don’t get the crap biology sir teaches heard you’re good at it so why don’t you give me you’re cell number so I call you when you’d be required.”

Now normally I don’t hand out my phone to every random person but you don’t say no to a butcher so I hastily told him my number as he stored it in his cell and then suddenly made a gesture towards the backside. I saw someone approaching and momentarily held my breath. What happened was a bit blurred more so to make it hurt less. The sweet innocent hand holding I’d been imagining started with a shove from the back and a kick on my rear. I rolled over trying to figure out what had gotten over my giggling princess when to my horror in her place stood the two butchers more menacing than ever and accompanying them were few others whom I would’ve noticed but some instinct told me I should close my eyes and let it pass. I’m not particularly scrawny but man did butcher no.2 lift me easily.

 “So you’re the b*****d who’s been trying to hook up with our cuz. Who gave you that permission?”

I would’ve answered but for the fact that my teeth were rattling. At the first possible chance I denied having any idea about what he was talking but he assured me that he had checked my cell number with his cousin’s log. At that point I don’t know who I cursed more myself or Ayesha. Anyway cutting to the chase they beat me up pretty good. Needless to say they didn’t feel like holding hands or taking moonlight walks or discussing our mutual feelings. I was knocked up pretty bad when they left me and out of mercy they did blow me a mock kiss when leaving. As I lay in the starry night under a giant oak tree with swans in a lake nearby, the only words that came to me were, “OUCH!”

I got beat up and Danish had a laugh about it. Just for the hell of it two days later I confronted Ayesha outside the girls’ campus as she was leaving for home. I just walked up and said hi when she turned with a bewildered look on her face and said,

“I’m sorry do I know you?” Behind me Danish was humming,   

“And eh there’s nothing else I can say eh eh wish you’d never looked at me that way.”