Determined Part 1

This is the beginning of a story I plan on writing. I thought I would post it to see if it was worth writing anymore.

Waiting…he sat there. He waited in the lobby of the hospital. Joseph Conner, lead investigator of Chicago P.D., sat in the lobby...waiting. He felt hot. Burning almost. He knew it wasn’t the temperature of the lobby. Joseph knew that he was afraid of the news that he was almost certain was coming. He sat…..waiting. He couldn’t sit still. First he tapped his foot on the floor. Then he picked up the magazine on the table, pretending to read a health article. He got up, started pacing the floor, wiping the sweat from his brow. He loosened his necktie that seemed to strangle him. He knew what was coming. Knew what the doctor would say when he walked through the door. Joseph knew. He was just afraid to accept it. And speak of the devil, the doctor walked slowly through the door of the lobby. “Mr.Conner please join me in my office”. Joseph followed him to his office where his wife, Helen, was already seated. “ Mr.Conner , it is with my deepest condolences that I must inform you that your wife, Helen Conner, has tested positive for Tuberculosis. Joseph’s heart dropped. He knew it was coming. He tried to accept it. He couldn’t.”Luckily we caught it early and can give Mrs.Conner medication to eradicate the TB germs” the doctor said in an assuring voice. Joseph felt sick to his stomach. He felt relieved that Helen could take medication for her illness but his mind was filled with a million questions. “What if the medication doesn’t work?”, “What if she coughs up too much blood?”. He couldn’t feel relief. “ I’m gonna need you to come back and see me in a month so I can see if the medication is working properly”. Joseph couldn’t even reply to the doctor’s request. He took Helen’s hand and escorted her to the Ford F-150 he had parked outside. He drove to his apartment building in silence. He couldn’t speak even if he tried. As he held Helen’s hand, he and Helen slowly made their way up to apartment 204. Joseph unlocked the door and flipped on the lights. The apartment was small, but then again, it was plenty for a couple with no children. Two bedrooms and one bathroom. All hardwood floors; Redwood. The kitchen was very modest. Barely enough room for their stove and refrigerator. While Helen was taking a shower, Joseph was in the kitchen trying to cook trying to cook foie gras. Joseph was never good at cooking, but he still tried his best to cook his wife a good meal every now and again. Even much so now due to her condition. “Joseph…” Helen called. “Whats Burning?”. “Nothing Darling” Joseph replied in a chuckle. Helen walked through the door of the bathroom and inhaled slowly. “I see you’re cooking dinner…” she said in a humorous voice. Joseph plated the charred meat along with a side of string beans that he heated from a can. As he took both plates to the recliners that were on either side of a small coffee table, his phone rang. He took the phone from his pocket and looked at the caller ID. It read “Chief Davis”. He answered the call. Joseph didn’t even have time to greet Chief Davis. “Conner, we need you down on “Lawrence Ave.. We’ve never seen anything like this. We need you down here NOW!!”. Joseph told Helen that he had to go out for work. Helen understood. As Joseph walked out the door of his small apartment, he felt that something was different. He knew that something wasn’t right. When he heard Chief Davis’s voice, it was instilled with fear.But this was no normal fear. No. No, this was a dark and glooming fear. An evil and cutting fear. A fear so tenacious that even grown men dread it. Joseph drove as fast as he could. But, as he got closer and closer to “Lawrence Ave.”, he felt that fear. The dark cutting fear. When he got to “Lawrence Ave.” he could barely move through the crowd. The place was swarming with policemen and forensic investigators. When Joseph approached Chief Davis, Chief Davis had a relieved look on his face. “Right in there”. Chief Davis gestured toward the door of an abandoned building. Joseph walked through the door. When he looked in the corner of the large room he was struck with that dark, tenacious, cutting fear. He had to look again just to make sure he wasn’t imagining what he saw. What he saw was evil. Pure evil incarnated in the form of an act so unspeakable that you couldn’t dream of it. In the corner of this large room sat a corpse with eyes gouged out and on the wall, written in the blood that Joseph assumed belonged to the eyeless corpse, were the words “Stop Staring”. An image that would be scared into Joseph’s memory for the remainder of his life. He couldn’t bare to look for another second. He walked swiftly to where Chief Davis stood. “What the hell is this!?!” Joseph said in the same fear stricken voice that Chief Davis had called him with. “If I knew I would tell you.”.  

Reviews

[ZJC]

Hey there, first off you should continue writing. Every story is one that needs to be pursed and written till you're satisfied it's complete.

Now, you have a great idea for a story and need what's in your head to be put down on paper. Easier said than done, obviously.

First off, I like to read what I've written out loud, so I'm able to edit it from another aspect. For example, in the beginning, you use the word 'sat' four times in the first few sentences. I'd go ahead and mix that up, so you're not relying on only one word for a description or act. Next, you describe your character as getting 'hotter and hotter' and him wiping sweat from his brow. This is where I learned it's extremely difficult to 'tell' and not 'show.' Instead of just telling us the character was growing hotter, show us that he/she is. You say they had to wipe sweat from their brow, which is exactly what we readers want! Say they loosened the tie strangling their neck or their throat became extremely dry as they searched for a water fountain.

But overall, you have a promising start to a good story. Keep it up, and continue writing

[Zack]

Thank you for your input. I appreciate all of this great advice

[J.A. Blackwell]

This is very interesting. I can't wait to read more! If you don't mind taking a look at my story, I would appreciate it :)

[Tatiana]

I loved reading this, its descriptive. It's a good story and I'd love to be updated when you upload part 2 of this story. You have good vocabulary and the way you use your words during the reading is great.