Story of the self destructive

A Poem by zachmiller1125

sorrowful poem from the viewpoint of a depressed and insightful teen

I hate my life. Most of the time I don’t even know why I hate my life but I know that I do. I have spent so much time trying to be the perfect little poster child of the classic loved by all mr popular highschool star that I have lost my own identity in the process. I don’t even remember who I am or was it seems to be at this point. I suppose that is what truly causes my misery. I strive to be the one everyone else likes that I don’t even like myself anymore. I hate what I have become the shadow of a sincere kind and honest person I once was is now replaced with a glossy fake plastic image deemed to be what society pictures to as close to perfect as possible. It is that people strive to be what others see as perfect that they forget what kind of a person they want to be. We surround ourselves by others to draw happiness, but how can I gain happiness with others when I can not even gain happiness from myself, and it’s the lack of happiness from myself and the inability to come to terms with the reality of who I really am that makes me the bitter safe hating person I am now. Infact I hate myself so much I cant even accept my true feelings about my hatred that’s why I wont even be able to read this after I am done writing it. I am seen as the happy go lucky adolescent which is about as opposite as you could be about how I truly feel the shadow of a person I am now is all outside influence on a once spirited child that has been reduced to a defeated self destructive young adult. The people who seem the happiest are always truly the saddest but cant even show it because they are to ashamed and depressed about who they are that they cant even express there innerselves. Why do people commit suicide? Because they cant even express how they feel to others without feeling isolated and alone because people automatically think something is “wrong” with you. Why is it wrong to express your feelings and be honest about how you feel? It is for the simple fact that society believes its wrong and treats you like some sort of freak for even thinking negative self hating thoughts when in reality the only reason they act that way is because you make them think about there own self hatred that they mask with a glued on smile cheaper and more fake then anything you could purchase from a dollar store. Society is all miserable and everyone knows it they just put the highest taboo on even mentioning the truth about it. How could they not be miserable when they have seen what the “almighty human race” has become. Humans were more civilized before they evolved. Our species is an evil cruel tyrannic power hungry and lustful race so easily manipulated and so easily taken by greed that the only few decent ones remaining shrinks in numbers every moment. We try to grasp at every bit of happiness we can and every attempt to make ourselves feel decent and alright about the crimes we commit that the norm gets pushed to a sad and disturbing bar of pure inhumanity its sickening. But the most sickening part is the acceptance of the inhumanity. Perhaps my sorrow is drawn from this. My insightfulness and awareness of what the world really is and the shame of being apart of it. Surely there was a better plan for us then this that was lost along the way and watched as we reduced ourselves to mindless war mongering lunatics. What is there to look forward to in this life then living a sad meaningless existence within the confines placed upon us by society. To never truly be free but live beneath a fake ideal of freedom we have been told we have but few realize there is no such thing as “freedom” only a word repeated to us to make us dull and blind to what the world really is. So behind a curtain of sorrow and despair I go on living this sad existence of mine and pretend everything is perfect and good when I see how the world really is and cant even come to terms with myself about who I am or how I really feel. So until my day of solitude comes and I am finally released from this prison that I am to pathetic to even take myself out of I will continue to move on another dot in the universe feeling the pain inside that I truly have and being the me everyone wants me to be.