Blue Recycle Bin

My new life has taken a toll once and I am not quite sure how to handle it.

The title of this piece is very random. I used this particular name because I am writing this piece sitting infant of a recycle bin. I feel like a recycled person, but not like the useful kind of recycle, I feel like recycled paper. Like people don't really need it but they recycle it because they feel bad for throwing it away so they just stuck the paper in the recycle bin.

I started college end of last year and I thought it was going to be the best experience ever, getting away from parents and starting my new life. However, that has not been the case. At least at home my parents were there to annoy me and even though  I hated it, they were always around me so I never felt too alone. But here, there is no escaping it. I am alone and it is not funny at all. yes, I have freedom but I cannot really do anything because I don't have anything to do. A couple weeks ago, I went to the movies alone! can you believe someone just sitting there in a damn near movie theater just laughing alone. I tried entertaining myself by buying popcorn and a soda, but for the first time ever, I realized that food could not solve all my problems as I had always believed. I saw this quote below on twitter and it hit me hard because I always used the excuse of " I like being alone" as a way of avoiding the truth of the matter which was that I was alone not by choice, but because I had no one to be around to. I walk down noms and i hear people laughing in their rooms and I remember when that used to be me. But now I can't get the courage to just talk to people. I feel alone and I hate it but I keep myself busy to avoid my misery.

I think the cause to my problem is that I was so used to people adoring me and I felt like I mattered in their lives because they either valued my opinion they always thought I had the right answers. But now, that is gone and I feel useless. This is the sad truth that I have denied for so long. I took pride in people praising me that I forgot how to do things to please myself. I am like a child waiting to be thanked for learning how to walk, yet they don't know that they were actually "expected" to walk and they don't deserve an award for doing the normal. Before, I would tell my boyfriend everything, but today I randomly called him to tell him about a random encounter when I went to the optometrist and as I talked I could feel something that I have been refusing to accept. I could hear his lack of interest. He was tired of me always gloating. Then he said " I don't know how to seem interested" For a second there i was hurt, then I had a moment and realized that lately i have been the start who does everything the right way. I always have the last word, the one who has an attitude and I felt bad for him for having to deal with that. I just need to do things and not feel the need to tell anyone. It hurts to realize that, but it is a lesson that I have to learn and the sooner the better. In fact today when we said goodnight and, it hurt a lot because i told him to rest and usually he stays to make sure i'm okay. But today he said he was going to rest and I had to let him go. I feel like I have taken a lot from him and now he is trying to get his life together and I need to step back and let him do that.

I guess you can say that It is time for me to handle things on my own....