Hypocrite

Parents want us to believe that whatever they tell us is always right but, as I have grown to understand, they only want us to see the world from their point of view.

The other day I wa talking to my father, we were parked outside a Food For Less store and a beautiful African American lady walked past us. I quickly noticed her blue jeans and right before I said something my father said. “Look at her, she is so fat, why does she let herself look like that. God did not create us to look like that. If my daughter ever looked like that I will disown her.” I looked at him and asked him “So God doesn't like fat people” Now I know as you have probably sensed, his comment has to be a result of multiple things, his past, where and how he was raised which affected his belief system. But the fact that he incorporated “God” into his judgment is what threw me off. Why does his “god” only prefer thin and perfect bodies people. In my head I didn't want to be associated with this “god” who liked people based on their physical appearance. My parents have used “god” to justify a lot of things. If things go wee it is because “god” wished it, if things go bad it is because “god” wished it. In fact I remember my father saying that those who are close to “god” will suffer a lot. I do not quite understand this because I thought this “god” was supposed to help life go easier, not make it harder. I have always doubted my faith but recently i feel like I lost it because i just find myself questioning everything about this “god” that my parents are always talking about.

Today as we sat in the car waiting for my mother to get of work, I asked my father if he was going to be home next week because my boyfriend wanted to meet him. I knew I had touched on a hot topic but I had hope that maybe this time “god” was on my side. As always that was not the case. He went on and on about how I will never be accepted by a Hispanic family because “those” people will always put Blacks below them. Then he told me about how he had the luxury of having money as a young man which meant that a lot of girls wanted him and they were all surprised when he married my mother because she was not on his level. He then said that Americans end up in a lot of divorces because they get in relationships early, then he said that he used to advise his sisters not to get in relationships and they didn't listen and now they are single and he also added that most high school relationships don't last. But the two point that really got to me was when he said that he always wanted me to have a christian family because then the man will fear “God” and that means he will respect me. I told him that Julio was obviously not christian and he was not pretending to be and that he should not jump into conclusions because he hasn't even met the person. Then out of nowhere he went to one of his favorite topics. He said that he always knew I was a hypocrite and that he told my mom about it. Ever since I didn't allow them to see my facebook and because I never ask them questions about relationships because I feel like I know everything. He said that I am heading in the wrong path and he just kept going and going. It was in that moment that I realized that my parents had called me a hypocrite more times than they have ever said they were proud of me. I am done  forcing them to acknowledge my efforts and that's why i seek outsiders who actually accept me and recognize me when I do something that’s worth acknowledging but they also help me when I mess up. I am not saying I am a perfect person and that my parents are the worst, all I am saying is that I will do my best to find those who accept me for who I am. I am not the kind of person to sit and talk about my problems, I like handling things myself. I don't see why I need to explain to my parents why I was on the phone for an hour, the phone is what you use to talk! So why is it an issue when I talk. I am tired of my father making comments about how many texts I send, I am an adult and I just hate feeling like someone is in my back watching over every little thing I do.

Yes, maybe my relationship is doomed because of the distance of my boyfriend's school and mine and the fact that my parents think that “god” has not approved this relationship. I will do my best to keep it. There are days when I wake up and I just want to end everything because I just feel like there is no hope, but I just pause and give myself a break. Even if this relationship doesn’t work, I want to keep it to prove to my parents that I will do whatever I want and if I mess up, well it is my life and I will have to face the consequences. Yes, I know maybe I am pushing too hard but it is what I know how to do best mostly when I realize that someone is not acknowledging me. As you have noticed, through out this little rant i have referred to my parents as father and mother not mom and dad. This is because, before I wrote this, I still had hope that they had faith in me and that maybe they had realized that I am responsible but clearly they haven't. Thus I will call them mother and father because to me they are just parents and I do not feel any “affection” for the. Blood is supposed to be thicker than water but  sometimes blood can be toxic.