Notes of Departure

For Words group assignment 2.

Where does your blood flow?
when you're sitting ina bath tub full of water
with your wrists slit.

your blood slowly rushing up
like small red clouds
mixing with water
diluting its properties

Where is it going?
You ask yourself
taking in every moment
feeling every breath
you're ready to go

The world seem to have stopped.

I feel so tired.

Isn't that why you're here?
A voice asks.
Because you're tired --
tired of it all?

Yes. I replied.
I don't see any point anymore.

Then I sleep. The long last sleep.
I tired no more.

Reviews

[Red Raven]

'your blood slowly rushing up
like small red clouds
mixing with water
diluting its properties '
- Gosh !!! you really sucked me in right there.
The words are so strong and beautiful.
I like the flow....firm and subtle.

'Then I sleep. The long last sleep.
I tired no more. '
- This is eerie...and i know how it might feel.

Thank you so much for sharing.

[Yu Yu]

OMG I forgot I wrote this!

[Richard B. Berry]

I actually liked this stanza..

"your blood slowly rushing up
like small red clouds
mixing with water
diluting its properties "

Good job.

[Marco A. Valencia]

S2 was the strongest stanza. The imagery is powerful. Tired? It is the first door before many more that lead to a truth or something like it. I think for that reason the latter stanzas are verbous and want for more illustration than conversation. I don't know, it may be tailored to the challenge, but it feels like the only the surface is being scratched.

Regards,

Marco

your blood slowly rushing up
like small red clouds
mixing with water
diluting its properties

[Andy]

I liked it. You might want to find another word for properties, because it kind of ruined the rhyme for me, and seemed a tad out of place. The rest of it is great, though. It's an interesting slant on the whole thing. I practularly like the 'Yes. I replied,' it gave a nice feel.

Nice work, man

-Andy