Serpentine

Experimental.

it must be

the dead of the night

when your silence shrieked,

travelling its way

through my sleep

and I woke perspiring;

thoughts coiled around me

their arms serpentine; suffocating,

the fleeting silence loomed

and I wondered over the cause

of your untimely

reappearance ...

Reviews

[ms. barrie]

elegant phraseology and vivid word play that is evocative of
one’s past darkness/person...thought to be locked in hidden compartments of the mind, but they show up uninvited.
subtle sense of dread, that inevitably will come to pass
you’re able to create a sense of mystery for the reader, without indulging too much into details as to why, that lingers upon the reader’s imagination

beautifully worded piece :)

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Thank you so much for your appreciation of this piece, ms. barrie. I'm glad you like it. Truly means a lot to me 😊

[Wondering Mind]

it happens...part of the beauty of a very well synchronized 'chaos'. I adored the darkish imagery

[Dr. YumnaKay]

I like how you described it. Thank you so much for your words here :)

[apennylate]

*Welcome to "Pure Rhymes" Thanks for joining, great to have you...!*

Now this felt like a proper slithering of sly intentions...

I felt silence as a looming shadow, and always tremble when the past spits things at me repeatedly...

[Dr. YumnaKay]

:p I doubt if I'll be contributing regarding rhyming haha I suck at it lol but it's a pleasure being a part of something positive and constructive ;) :)
Thank you too for appreciating this piece 😊

[apennylate]

Is it not all rhyming! Just writing... You more than excel at that... But yes... Positive and nice is... Nice for a change...

[emmajoy]

Smiling at the last two phrases.. words and/or deeds have a habit of appearing when least expected.. often for their own benefit! Your words are a dream come nightmare, a move from comfort to distress, perhaps. As ever you place your thoughts by way of superb language, Yumna.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Not when it's people who keep reappearing, I'd say... Thank you so much for your words here, Em. Always appreciated :)

[emmajoy]

Pull up a drawbridge, dear you...go dance on ceiling out of reach.. tralalalahhh, Is an essential, hard to learn.. but. essential. (Yumna) xx

[barleygirl]

Nicely spooky idea woven with strong imagery that reflects a scary feeling. It seems to me that you are mixing tenses of your verbs . . . some present tense, some past tense . . . but this isn't distracting from your overall scene. Good job of showing instead of telling . . . and the reader can finish this with some fleeting idea from one's baddest nightmares! Who's reappearance would spook out your night the most? your message seems to ask . . . (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Dr. YumnaKay]

I originally wrote this in the present tense but somehow it didn't feel right so I switched to the past, I think it still needs twaeking a little so thank you for pointing that out :)
I'm glad I could write something spooky for once (must be the impact/aftereffect of reading your story) :P
Thank you for appreciating too, BG ((:

[barleygirl]

I often get tangled in tenses, as I try to decide which one to use! *wink! wink!* I'm glad my spooky story inspired you . . . I've got another one brewing in my mind right now & I'm going to spend the day spilling it! *smile*

[BBP]

I really liked this one yumna... had a darkness to it and gave perfect imagery of the feelings you were trying to portray

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Thank you, Bev. I appreciate your words here (:

[Tony Jordan]

Good pace and the slow strangulation is conveyed well Yumna.
One could feel the anxiety ratcheting up.
Always check the bed for snake-eyed critters before getting into to it, I say!
;)

[Dr. YumnaKay]

;P hahah well what if they come after I get in? lol
thank you for your words here, Tony. Always appreciated (:

[Jacob Clifford]

There's a good flow to this poem. It was the suspenseful build up of horror, and I could practically feel the suffocation. And then the last stanza tie up the poem with the metaphor.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Thank you so much for your words here and for appreciating, Clifford. Glad you like it (:

[Giulia King]

I agree, it's dark but it still has this weird dark romance that makes me want to read more :) Good job

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Gullia, thank you! Glad to have written something haunting for a change, and seeing as it's halloween coming :p
Glad you like it 😊💜

[DiskartetHaraya]

Things I liked best about this:

First, the use of the word "serpentine". Not only is it suffocating, it is also slick, sneaky, and when you finally notice it, shocking.

Second, the phrase "silence shrieked". Shrill, sharp, and sudden. I think a shriek really does suit the sudden emergence from sleep.

(IDK why I use many s-words in this review. It was spontaneous. I must have been inspired by the snake.)

I agree it's haunting.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Thank you for such an honest review and sharing what you liked about this piece. I really appreciate that :)