Frozen Moments

Experimental... one of the edits by Silente.

My soul searches for the unanswered questions that rush by...

 My train of thoughts never seem to stop

and yet frozen moments make them come to a chilled halt...

 I draw in tense exaggerated breaths like puffs of smoke

 I inhale them

 or was it that I just exhaled a sigh of relief...

 'cause my hopes

 though seemingly unwavering...

remain not lifted as I dig in more into that bottom most shelf of my heart where I kept you hidden...

 "It" being the sweet haven of the memories now turned bitter

 but I won't let go of the ear-shattering bone-cracking truths...

 I seem to drown my soul in an eerie mess that rests inside this cage of a body bruised blue

 

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search of my soul ... unanswered questions 

train of thoughts; rushing by ... never stopping

frozen moments ... untimely hours; halted

tense, exaggerated breaths ... puffs of smoke

a sigh of relief ... inhale or maybe ~ exhale

seemingly unwavered ... hopes 

bottom most shelf of my heart ~ sweet haven 

memories of you ... turned bitter 

ear shattering, bone cracking truths

~ I seem to drown ~ 

... my soul --- an eerie mess 

resting inside ~ this cage of a body; bruised blue ...

Author's Note

This is probably an attempt to compare my current writing style with Silente's...

Reviews

[Great Aunt Astri]

Interesting. I am not sure which says it better. I think they both do, in different ways. Your poem is perhaps, more 'involved' -subjective? And Silente's is more objective.( There is only one 'I' and only one 'my'.) But they are both equally valid, and I liked them both. Good experiment.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Thank you for liking this experiment :)
The second one is the one I wrote btw...
I appreciate your words here :)

[Giulia King]

I don't understand.. is it your piece of Silente's? Anyway, I like this poem. It's sad and depressing but really fits my mood right now lol.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

It's my piece but Silente edited it :) the first one is how he wrote and the second is the original version in my style lol :p
thank you, Gullia. Glad you like it :)

[Kesha]

"Cage of a body bruised blue" wow this was amazing, i loved it Yumna :)

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Thank you, Kesha! Glad you like it :)

[Kesha]

You're welcome!

[emmajoy]

This is a fascinating experiment... at least that's what i think it is. There's a true comparison of style, genre, call it what you like here, words that roam into and upon different plains, and another that travels less yet never succumbs to obvious brevity. Not saying which i prefer, not claiming a favourite phrase .. but admire what's been done, start to finish. Fine work by both Yumna and Silente.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Thank you, Emma. It was a fun experiment on my part when Silente asked to edit one of my pieces :)read moreThank you, Emma. It was a fun experiment on my part when Silente asked to edit one of my pieces :)
Glad you like it.

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

Loved that I will be back to read again tonight x

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Thank you. I appreciate your words here :)

[The earth (Titan maphah..]

That is one smasher... always the intro is a bomb... and well contracted

what's killing me is this line,'"I draw in tense exaggerated breaths like puffs of smoke."
That line is a monster

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Thank you, Titan. Glad you liked this one. :)

[Coyote Poetry]

Only one of you dear friend. Each writer had their own style. Different life and experiences. I liked the honest thoughts and powerful use of description in the poetry. You made the reader feel the thoughts and the struggle. Thank you for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Aye, true indeed. Thank you for appreciating, Coyote. Really means a lot to me :)

[Coyote Poetry]

I do love your work and you are welcome.