Echoes of A Dead Heart

Inspired by فانيسا (Vanessa's) piece ~ The Breaking of Hearts...

Have you ever felt dead? 

Feeling like those rustling leaves one walks over, crushing them underneath the feet, their crackling noise just adds to your exhilaration

​,

​

 

just as my shallow breath causes me to succumb to this feeling of doom, like nothing could be put right now.

I feel this, as a rushing wave crosses over, overlapping the sands of time, almost crashing the possibility that I'll ever be alive again. 

To feel that beating, pulsing heart whisper your name over and over again.

Is there no end to the pain I feel? That aching heart ~ the cries of which never reached you

​,​

 

​

as you moved along to play another one of your lustful

​

​

games, laying me bare in my full vulnerability. 

That aching heart ~ you stumbled upon, now lies - 

and I watch the last drops of blood drain from it, my eyes close but not before I see the pattern they've formed - 

it seems vaguely like your name, the last thing that I'll ever see...

Author's Note

Experimenting...

Reviews

[emmajoy]

Oh my, dark stuff from a bright light! There are hints of wondering where to go with this story. 'Feel as if you altered direction.. went from dark to, 'well, maybe not'. But then, that's what happens with life's hurt, or the imagination's bewilderment.

Your writing grows day by day.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Thank you, Emma. I find it easier to write what I don't really feel in comparison with what I do though somehow it is derived from personal feelings...
Your appreciation and words mean a lot to me :)

[emmajoy]

I'm enjoying.. no, not the right word.. i'm truly 'appreciating' your adventures into experimental writing. You seem to be exploring yourself.. that's a wonderful daring.

[Einstein Noodle]

very engaging for me ...i am kind of inclined to dissect it ... something i don't usually do .. opening line is instant engagement .. one must answer .. mine was "no" i haven't .. then i am led to understand how fallen leaves feel when trod on and i answer ...oh yeh ..i know what you mean .. then the person changes and i am the one crushing ..and liking it ... for me...it would be more clear saying something like: "...leaves others walk over... ' and "...adds to their exhilaration.."
i think the next two "couplets" are very emotive and deepen the mood of feeling "dead" .. in this write i think using the "sands of time" cliche might be stronger if you said it your own creative way ...the rest is, again very emotive and sticks to the theme .. closing, i think is very strong ..
your poem is emotive, heartbreaking, honest and contains the vulnerability that broken bleeding hearts have (at least initially) .. i feel for your speaker ...i want to say ..oh man...i am so sorry for this pain and sorrow you carry ..so great job in that respect for me!
E.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Thank you for the thoughtful dissection of this piece, EN. The parts you pointed out and the suggestions have quite the weight and made me think over. Truly appreciate your words here :)

[Einstein Noodle]

you are so welcome my friend

[BBP]

I liked it, like the death of the heart is the death of you!

The title fits it perfectly Yumna. Nice job my friend.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

I like your thoughts on this one. True indeed.
Thank you, Bev, for appreciating this. Means a lot 😊

[Surya]

Haan, I felt once, crushing from natural forces....I enjoyed every bit of it...:)

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Ahhh ironic that you 'enjoyed' echoes of a dead heart 😛 lol jk 😛😛
Thank you, Surya, for liking this one 😊

[Surya]

Haha, I meant to say I enjoyed your words here...I feel sad for that dead heart...:)

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Hahah I know 😛 I was kidding 😛😂

[Kesha]

Wow.. this was amazing. It seemed like a distant voice speaking to me.. "the last thing I'll ever see" .. kind of a romantic ending in a way.. to die remembering the one you loved the most... I loved this.. Nicely written my friend

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Oh oh no I meant this to be dark. I'm done with romance for now haha 😛😂
Thank you, Kesha. Glad you liked it 😊

[Kesha]

Well i felt the ending to be romantic ;) a dark romance however :P You're welcome. Ooo now that's a competition I would love... I love writing dark poetry lol

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Hahah no I doubt if I could ever write the gory poetry like you write so not me 😂😛
I think romance has rubbed into me and always finds its way although I don't mean to lol 😂😂

[Kesha]

Lol yeah I enjoy writing that sort of stuff... even my novel is gory haha.

Lol I can see that :P

[Dr. YumnaKay]

You and me both could learn from each other haha 😛😂

[Kesha]

Haha yes we could

[Sinbulvinter]

Hmm, this is very thought provoking. I think I have felt this way before.
It's also very well written and emotional. I quite enjoyed this.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

I feel sad you can relate 'cause this was experimental writing on my part. But thank you for appreciating my words, Sinbulvinter (interesting pen name btw 😉).

[Sinbulvinter]

You're very welcome. =)
And thanks, my name's actually based on Fimbulvinter, a norse myth telling the prelude to the end of the world. haha. I just liked it and tweeked it a bit.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

I'm not aware of that myth.. Will have to look it up 😉 but still interesting 😉😊

[Sinbulvinter]

Yeah it's pretty cool. I've always been into mythology, and the Norse have some really neat ones

[Coyote Poetry]

Honest and passionate words shared dear friend.
​"as you moved along to play another one of your lustful​
games, laying me bare in my full vulnerability. "
I liked the complete poem. The above lines. Realistic ending we shall accept. Thank you dear friend for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

That aching heart ~ you stumbled upon, now lies

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Yes, sometimes we do have to accept it..
Thank you, Coyote. Truly appreciate your words 😊

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome my friend.

[Sir Drift & Mr. Pulse]

This makes me wonder about much

[Dr. YumnaKay]

I would say there isn't anything to wonder...

[barleygirl]

Here's what's unusual about this message . . . you start out asking if a person ever felt dead, but then you go ahead & describe the feelings with so much bright vivid detail, it actually feels like the opposite of being dead. I definitely understand this sentiment well. I love your imaginative phrasing & word choices & analogies here.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

It's actually a confused state of being dead yet feeling too.
I'm glad you liked it. Thank you, BG 😊

[Mr.Writer]

Very interesting piece Yumna...
'To feel that beating, pulsing heart whisper your name over and over again.'
Such a beautiful and exotic verse!
So much description that flows very well in this story.
Amazing!!
Keep it up :)

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Thank you, Shaan. Another one of my "being inspired by Vanessa" pieces 😉 😛
I'm glad you liked it 😊

[Mr.Writer]

No problem Yumna! All of these pieces are very well done! I really enjoyed

[Dr. YumnaKay]

What?? You 'enjoyed' echoes of a dead heart? Shame 😂 lol jk 😂😂 that's nice of you 😊😊

[Mr.Writer]

Lol :P I meant I enjoyed the deep and dark words that made this poem eerie and mysterious :)

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Hahah okay 😂😛