In My Heart ~ You'll Stay

Composed in Eighths 'n Sixes...

              

 In My Heart ~ You'll Stay

 

Flowing my veins, your love unchains;

like fire through forests, spreads.

Covered in mist, I can't resist; 

now, we lie in flowery beds.

 

Your loving charm keeps me warm;

doubts before, shied away.

  Swirling oceans, my emotions …

within my heart you'll stay!

 

You lift my soul, making me whole;

catching me unaware;

you kept me there, deep in your prayer;

whispered softly, "I'm here"...

Author's Note

Another one of my learning experiences with Richard ~

Reviews

[William Liston]

Such a heartwarming piece ... you did very well with this form. The rhymes sound natural and unforced and the word-flow is seamless and rhythmical. I also love your descriptions in that they're both simple and effective. The visual presentation is a nice bonus too : )

A consideration: In the last two lines, you use the words "unaware," "there," "prayer," and "here," which all sound similar. This off-set the flow as I read, so I suggest changing the rhyme in either the second and fourth lines of the last stanza, or in the third line of the last stanza. This suggestion is, of course, quite subjective since the reading of that could vary based on one's dialect.

- William Liston

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Yes, I agree about your suggestion, William. It does sound similar. I'll be looking into it.
Thank you for the appreciation. Truly appreciate your words :)

[Mr.Writer]

Very beautiful... this engaged me until the end! I have no words to express how well you conveyed the emotions... it was like WOW!
Keep it up!

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Thank you, Shaan. Glad you like it 😊

[Sir Drift & Mr. Pulse]

Ahhh, who wouldnt love to stay in the four red walls of ones beating heart? so beautiful

[Dr. YumnaKay]

You'll be surprised to know there are some who wouldn't want to ;) :p
Thank you :)

[Stacy Purvis]

Shied or shed? Amorous nature, full of passion...Enjoyable read.
Thank you for sharing!

[Dr. YumnaKay]

I believe shied is appropriate..
Thank you, Anastasia. Glad you enjoyed :)

[JayDee]

Yumna!! Absolutely beautiful.
Really love the flowing rhymes and meaningful words.
Beautiful write, Thank you for sharing

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Thank you so much for liking, JayDee! Really means a lot :)

[JayDee]

A pleasure!

[Tony Jordan]

You write so well, I keep going "Hell,
Yumna's such a talented poet.
To have come here so recent
And to write things so decent
You were born to write but you didn't know it.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Thank you, Tony, for always making me smile and for this awesome poetic review! Really means a lot 😊😊

[aLittlePain]

I'm terrible with technical form but what a lovely result! Lovely sing song quality about your words. Great diversity in your writing my friend. R xo

[Dr. YumnaKay]

I've been indulging more and more into experimenting with forms these days. So pleased you liked this, Ray! Thank you so much :)

[Najam Us Saher]

Simply beautiful with soft and warm tone. I truly liked it a lot.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Thank you, Najam! I'm glad you liked it 😊😊

[Najam Us Saher]

Yes very much liked it. You're welcome. ☺

[Kesha]

Wow this was pure awesomeness Yumna! So sweet it made my teeth hurt :p lol either way nicely penned dear friend

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Hahahahaha yeah I know it's too sugary and cheesy lol 😛
Thank you, Kesha! I'm glad you like it either way 😉😊

[Kesha]

Haha yeah it was sweet :) & you're welcome!

[Sonakshi Arora]

This is amazing! You have mastered the art of writing! 😄

[Dr. YumnaKay]

That's a very humbling compliment for me. Thank you, Sonakshi! Truly appreciate your words 😊

[Sonakshi Arora]

It is always a pleasure to read your works :)

[Ardra]

It's full of love yumna...sweet creation...

Your loving charm keeps me warm;
doubts before, shied away.
Swirling oceans, my emotions …
within my heart you'll stay!

Keep writing

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Thank you, Ria! I thought a change was in order lol. I'm glad you liked it 😊😊