Such a heartwarming piece ... you did very well with this form. The rhymes sound natural and unforced and the word-flow is seamless and rhythmical. I also love your descriptions in that they're both simple and effective. The visual presentation is a nice bonus too : )
A consideration: In the last two lines, you use the words "unaware," "there," "prayer," and "here," which all sound similar. This off-set the flow as I read, so I suggest changing the rhyme in either the second and fourth lines of the last stanza, or in the third line of the last stanza. This suggestion is, of course, quite subjective since the reading of that could vary based on one's dialect.
- William Liston
Posted 7 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
7 Years Ago
Yes, I agree about your suggestion, William. It does sound similar. I'll be looking into it.
.. read moreYes, I agree about your suggestion, William. It does sound similar. I'll be looking into it.
Thank you for the appreciation. Truly appreciate your words :)
You write so well, I keep going "Hell,
Yumna's such a talented poet.
To have come here so recent
And to write things so decent
You were born to write but you didn't know it.
Posted 7 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
7 Years Ago
Thank you, Tony, for always making me smile and for this awesome poetic review! Really means a lot �.. read moreThank you, Tony, for always making me smile and for this awesome poetic review! Really means a lot 😊😊
I'm terrible with technical form but what a lovely result! Lovely sing song quality about your words. Great diversity in your writing my friend. R xo
Posted 7 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
7 Years Ago
I've been indulging more and more into experimenting with forms these days. So pleased you liked thi.. read moreI've been indulging more and more into experimenting with forms these days. So pleased you liked this, Ray! Thank you so much :)
Wow this was pure awesomeness Yumna! So sweet it made my teeth hurt :p lol either way nicely penned dear friend
Posted 7 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
7 Years Ago
Hahahahaha yeah I know it's too sugary and cheesy lol 😛
Thank you, Kesha! I'm glad you li.. read moreHahahahaha yeah I know it's too sugary and cheesy lol 😛
Thank you, Kesha! I'm glad you like it either way 😉😊