Eclipse

Primetime: An original form, created by Charlyne “Char” Zurick © 06/24/2010

Eclipse

This moment and forever,
hopes buried of together;
of ocean tides washing sand, 'neath our feet.

Away with wondrous semblance 
of all thy sweet remembrance;
those starry nights filled with our mingled heat.

Every bit I shall forget,
‘tis hard, I must now admit…
when my lonely hand strays beneath the sheet.

Those wint'ry days…coffee sips,
lives o’ershadowed by eclipse;
our love, I'm afraid, remains incomplete...

Author's Note

A new form which Richard taught me as my learning experience continues 😊

Reviews

[barleygirl]

While I'm not familiar with this form, your rhyme & rhythm feels natural & well-structured. It seems like this message blends the styles of a more formal Elizabethan language mixed with a more casual everyday imagery. Good job for a learning experience!

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Thank you for this nice review over my little piece, BG. Truly appreciate your liking 😊

[Anjali]

WOW..... I've never read a poem so deep and simply beautiful. You know what, I'm in love with your poem.
Such a beautiful write!😊

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Thank you, Anjali! I'm very much humbled and glad that you liked this piece. Truly appreciate your kind words :)

[Coyote Poetry]

Honest and true words shared dear friend.
"Those wint'ry days…coffee sips,
lives o’ershadowed by eclipse;
our love, I'm afraid, remains incomplete...!"
I understand the above lines. Sometime coffee and memories. A shadow of some kind of peace. Thank you for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[Dr. YumnaKay]

I agree with you. Thank you for liking, Coyote! It means a lot to me :)

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome dear friend.

[Ty]

Such a rhythmic souffle flow to this.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Thank you! I appreciate your words 😊

[Jibey]

I should forget about forms and concentrate on the right words.... Put your hand under the sheet and take another blank one :-)

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Lol yeah the eye sees what they want to see 😛😉
Thank you! 😇😇

[Bala Gorthi]

The Literary beauty and the feel both shine in your poem. You are presenting your talent in different shades. We are witnessing a fine poetess emerging. Thanks for sharing this.
My salute to your mentor!

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Thank you so much, Bala, for this amazing appreciation! I'm glad you like my efforts!
If it hadn't been for Richard, I wouldn't even have tried it 😇

[Bala Gorthi]

Thank you both, I get so much. I am enlightened. I wish I had more time to read more.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Ahh that's so nice of you to say 😊😊

[Phill Oz O'fee]

Great poetic use of words promoting the imagery in this write! When our source of illumination is hidden from view, the obscuring consequences are heartfelt. Loved this ….

[Dr. YumnaKay]

I agree with your words. I'm glad you liked this. mulțumesc :)

[Giulia King]

I love that you're trying something different! And every poem is pure perfection :)

[Dr. YumnaKay]

I'm a restless soul, you know me 😉
Thank you so much, Gullia! That's a great compliment! 😇😇

[Shaun Gurmin]

This moment forever,
hopes buried together;
Sand washed away, beneath our feet.

Nice poem, I would change the start to something like the above as I feel it has a better flow.

Keep up the good work.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Actually this specific form required a syllable count of 7/7/10 in its verses. Making the change you suggested would violate that thing a bit. But thank you for liking. I appreciate your words 😊

[Shaun Gurmin]

Okay. What is this specific form? I would be interested in knowing more, maybe I could experiment with it too.

[BBP]

Always mixing sweet with a bit of bitter sass! Nice combo Yumna. :)

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Isn't it what life is like too? Lol and your novel as well 😛
Thank you, Bev! I appreciate your words 😇

[Diamond]

I adore this piece Yumna. There is always bittersweet feeling in the unfulfilled desire. Let go with the love for yourself and love for the other. enjoyed reading it.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Thank you so much, Queen! Somehow those unfulfilled desires keep reminding us of their presence even though we have already let go..
I'm glad you enjoyed this piece! Means a lot 😊