In the world of many.

Excerpts from a journal entitled: ...in the world of many, still one stands alone....................will you reach out? (can you?)

11:50pm Thursday, December 28, 2006
the day .. the hour.. the holding place in the vast sea of memories.... memories that never quite held a spot of you and me .. never quite saw the face of you and me... there was a time of you and a time of me ..and even a time when the two met face to face, but there was no you and me to be spoken of ... yearning, longing, can it stretch this far across the non-existent strokes upon the faceless time-keeper, ticking, ticking, ceasing to expel us ...... if the distance travelled is nil, then the stretching is negligible ... and maybe that which now is, once was, always will be and always has been since the inception of anything ....

you.

desire.

i.

 

11:26pm Saturday, January 15, 2005  
and he crept across my consciousness, tiptoeing, echoing through my heart.. his breath touched my cheek, but more than that there was not ... to need, to want, to desire, to crave the simple freedom of gazing into his eyes ... he is far in distance, both geographically and emotionally -- years pass and we hardly cross paths.. I yearn for him in ways I knew not to exist .. does he know I carry this lightless, lifeless torch for him? and better to ask -- does he care?

 

8:27pm Thursday, July 31, 2003
how.. did he .. slip through my fingers .. before I ever even .. laid a hand on him? ... did I wait too long?  Of course I waited too long.. why did I wait in the first place?  I was scared... "Fear is not the end of this.." but it was the end of this ...

nothing weighs heavily as it fills my grasp to over-flowing

she touches him as I yearn to .. she looks upon him with her very own eyes and not through this mess of cybernetics as I must .. and yet I do not envy her, I only despise myself for being too late .. much too late ... too shy, too scared, too caught up with the bright lights and sparkling "things" of my self-crafted destruction ...

nothing presses my heart down deep into this pit of despair

I look on, wondering if maybe, just possibly, it will end before it begins .. and I can be the one to sneak in and claim the prize while no one is looking ... but what good would that do me, if he wasn't watching?!

nothing sneaks off with my soul, certain to sell high and buy low

 

9:33pm Tuesday, July 22, 2003
love is aching and needing and wanting and pleading .. love is tearing down walls and building windows .. love is touching, but never really touching -- Einstein says so! .. love is wanting the best for, but knowing you never can do anything about it.. love is believing the lies and swallowing the pride .. love is smelling sin and breathing smoke... love is knowing you never have to say sorry, but that you always are... love is grief and redundancy .. love is agony and remorse .. love is living, day to day, where no one pays your thoughts any mind, because they are, after all, your thoughts and you haven't the words to coalesce  .. love is making a fool of yourself and REALLY making a fool of yourself .. love is never unconditional, unless you're me.
 

9:04pm Tuesday, July 22, 2003
I see your spade, and raise you two hearts and a diamond:

I'd like to be the stitches in your wound .. and the doctor that inserts them .. and the nurse that soothes them ... and the time that heals the flesh ... and the salt that accidently burns it ... and the scar that leaves it mark............. (and the pain that caused it in the first place) ... (and the story you tell of how it happened) ...
 

1:48pm Thursday, July 17, 2003
if only I knew how to leave a little piece of my soul _R I G H T  H E R E_ for you ..... so you'd know .. truly .. how much it has meant for me to have you, even the tiniest bit of you, in my life .... thus far

if only I knew how to leave a little piece of my heart _R I G H T  H E R E_ for you.... so you'd know.. deeply.. how I wish I could express the things I don't even understand that I feel for you .. already

if only I knew how to leave a little piece of my mind _R I G H T  H E R E_ for you...  so you'd know .. maybe.. how I need you to continue caressing my aching frontal lobes while I am gone.. for tonight...

.....

"oh how I draw pictures in the sand .. glorious pictures.. only to watch the tide come in and drag them out to sea for no one to see but me and me, without the possibility of you"

 

9:20pm Tuesday, July 15, 2003
(pardon my sharing of this with the world, if you will?)

"for all the earths weight in gold .. for the china that fell when the wall was built .. for the final swing of the pendulum .. for the softest touch between two lovers and for the coin that wasn't head nor tales ... I see you"

Author's Note

subtleties intended.