Golden Cloud

A boy who lives in a cloud is finding his purpose as being rejected by the other clouds have pushed him to look further down into Earth.

Golden Cloud

 

            In the beginning, I was born and out of all my cloud brothers I was the only Golden one, I was different and everyone kept drifting away from me. I didn’t know what to do or what to say to become friends with my brothers, see, all I wanted was a family but because of being “Special” I was always secluded. I would visit my brother Cirrus in the high grounds but he would drift the opposite direction with his ghostly appearance. So I decided to go to the middle grounds yet Stratus was always busy, so I went to the lower grounds where Nimbus and Cumulus would always be playing around with rain and thunder, they were such a happy couple but even they disliked me. So I would drift away into the bottom lands and one day I was surprised. I saw these beautiful beings, they weren’t clouds, they had many shapes and sizes but they still got along even if others despised each other, they laughed, they cried, they screamed but most of all, they loved each other; they were a true family. I remember my Mother’s words: “These are humans my son and you were made for a special reason, you were made to influence in their lives.” Humans… what am I supposed to do to help them? They look so happy without me, I am just a cloud!

I begin to cry and my tears fell on beautiful green grass when suddenly I see a young girl looking up at me, she was smiling, but why? “It’s raining!” She shouted with all of her might. There was a building she rushed into, it had these letters on it, SCHOOL, and then she came out with a red jacket on. I saw how her boots splashed all around the puddles of my tears, she laughed and enjoyed the rain. I began to understand, I began to feel happy. So I laughed with her as hard as I could and tears of joy washed away my sadness until I saw the people running inside the buildings, was I doing something wrong? So I stopped and drifted away, in the distance I hear people coming back out, but it wasn’t until the little girl yelled out “A Rainbow” that I looked back. The humans stared at it and I could see the beautiful colors glowing in the sky, did I do this? The Sun then smiled and whispered through the wind “Good job kiddo”, a wink followed. Then the little Red Girl yelled: “Thank you Cloud!” That’s it! That’s my name, “Cloud”, I smiled.

The next day I went to visit my friend Red, that Red jacket never seemed to miss a day without it being on her, we would spend countless hours playing until she was picked up by these two humans called, Mom and Dad. I would wait for her and inside of my cloud I was making a gift for my special friend, I called it: “White Kisses.” I waited and waited, I was there with the wind, Sun, Moon, and Stars until she would arrive. I then smiled at her arrival and let go of all my “white kisses”, she was amazed and called her friends over: “look guys, it’s snowing, Cloud made snow for us!” The “White Kisses” piled up on the green grass watching how all the little boys and girls threw the “kisses” at each other, they called it a snowball fight. Then Red made a very special gift for me, she laid on the floor and open and close her arms and legs going out and then coming back to the middle of her body. “Look Cloud! It’s a snow angel just for you.” My happiness has never been this much, Red was my true friend and I belonged down here with them.

One day, I thought I had a great invention but Red didn’t like it much, she called it Hail, I guess I should have stuck to the snow. She would go on this thing called vacation and every year that passed she would look different, the only thing that never changed was her Red Jacket, she would get taller and her hair would change, even her face at one time was unrecognizable and she would go through these things called grades, she mentioned that she was in 12^th grade. I wondered if I was in the same grade too. Yet through time, I would spend my days thinking of what I could do to make her even happier, so I made this beautiful necklace from the rain, snow, and hail. I wrapped it up and waited for her to come back one morning. When she arrived, I sent down my gift and it laid on her hands, but she began to cry. She smiled and put it on quickly and then shouted out with all the breath in her lungs: “I LOVE YOU CLOUD!” LOVE, what was love? If it is the sharing of secrets, the story telling of her life, the constant visiting, the playing around and never ending laughter then I think I liked it, in fact, I believed I loved her too.

I then tried to shout and a great wind blew as a thunder came out of my mouth, “I LOVE YOU TOO RED!” She heard it, she heard the thunderous loving voice I emitted and when my lighting struck the ground there was a symbol I did not recognize, I think they were a cloud with a heart under it and the word RED. She touched the ground and couldn’t believe it, she hugged the floor and pounded on it. She then took out this pink bottle which had a spoon with a big hole in the middle and when she pointed it to the air she blew a kiss, I marvelously watched how it moved through the wind until it made its way inside of my cloud, it was a bubble, a Red kiss. Red left and I amazingly gazed at the circular air bubble, filled with so much love and emotion and I began to invent something she would never forget. I researched it and multiplied it inside of my cloud, my cloud grew bigger and bigger, was this love? I was made to love and be loved.

My golden cloud was brighter than ever until a very horrible thing happened that same night. I met a cloud called Grey, he was a different kind of cloud, he was Fog. He came to me that night while I was doing my invention. “Hey you, Golden Cloud boy.” He said. I turned around and he rudely shouted at me: “You best get out of my territory, I have been watching you and that little Red girl talk to each other.” I stopped my invention and responded a big fat “NO!” Grey got angry and slammed into my cloud. I then revealed my powers, our clouds came crashing together and a lightning bolt from each cloud revealed an angry face in the sky. Until I heard the voice of Red: “Cloud Stop!” she was scared but when I look again, Grey slammed into me and his lightning pierced my cloud and I experienced something never before, I fell from my Golden Cloud, as I was falling I saw how Grey swallowed my golden cloud turning it black and I landed on the soft grass. He fled and it began to rain but only where I was laying, I touched the ground but when I looked I had a body of a human, except it was formed by raindrops, Red was surprised.

“Cloud, is that you?” I was looking at myself, I was the rain, yet still gold. That was when I saw mother come down from space, she cried and called me a ghost cloud. Red approached me and when she kissed my wet cheek I began to turn into ice, and my whole body was solid ice like a big chunk of hail. “Son, it’s me, Nebula, please listen to what I have to say.” I looked at my mother. “You have to find whoever did this to you because if you don’t, you will disappear forever.” Red was shocked when she heard that and she grabbed my hand, but when she did I instantly became snow, I was a real snowman. I then understood it was the power of the necklace, it’s what kept me alive, water, ice and snow, her touch transformed me every time. “I will find Grey mother, and I will get my cloud back.” Red then interrupted: “I am going with you Cloud!” I looked at her, “No Red, this is too dangerous!” She then pointed to the ground and there laid the symbol of our friendship, the cloud the heart and Red. “I will help you no matter what,” she said. I nodded and we went off towards the forbidden place for all clouds, the Thunder Surge.

We made it after a few hours and I found Grey swaying around, I leaped out and I saw his face surprised to see me. “The Golden Snow Man! Haha! You look like a fool, you weren’t even supposed to survive out of your cloud.” I bravely got closer to him. “I want my cloud back Grey!” He looked at me and shouted: “No! I will become the largest cloud in the world, greater than Nebula herself!” I began to throw snowballs at him, he only got angry and spit them right back at me. I pushed Red aside and saw how my body was melting, so I became ice and threw chunks of hail at him and he was hurt badly but his rage grew more. His thunder began to fall and as it hit me, chunks would fall off my body, I would pick them up to add them onto me again but his blows kept coming. I heard Red shout: “Cloud, do something!” I became rain and created ice shards out of them, I hit him hard but the beast grew and grew. I melted even more and I didn’t know what else to do, I looked up and saw a huge lighting ball coming towards me and as the last bolt was going to rip my ice body apart Red jumped into the fight to put her red jacket on me and I turned as red as the jacket, I was fire! I grew bigger and brighter until I let out a great pillar of fire piercing his dark cloud and ejecting him from it. My body was then sucked into the dense black cloud and I turned it Red, the Giant Red Cloud.

I was cheering my victory until I looked down and I noticed Red was on the floor, she was hit by the bolt. Quickly I flew down to produce heat on wounds then icing it but it wasn’t working, so I flew her to the nearest hospital. The doctors came out an hour later and explained to me a horrible news, Red was in the state of shock and said it would take some time to heal her. I waited patiently holding onto her red jacket, years went by and I finally heard the voice of Red. I didn’t recognize her at first, it seemed as if it had snowed on her hair, her eyes like blue hail and her skin as wavy as the rains water but I saw the necklace on her and when she looked up to find me I let out the biggest surprise. The bubbles I made, she smiled and saw that in each one a dear gift was held for her and every human. Inside the bubbles were the collections of objects I have saved through the waiting years, toys, flowers, jewels, candy and for her, the red jacket.

The old lady popped the bubble to put on the red jacket while I lifted her in my golden cloud. I saw how all the kids laughed and played with their gifts, I took red to the school where we first met, I laid her down, she then closed her eyes and began to Dream, my mother then came down behind me: “This is your purpose, this is what you have always been born to do, you are no ordinary cloud, you are a Dream Cloud.” She then nudges me: “Go on, go into her dreams.” My cloud then got closer to her body and I was sucked into her beautiful head and inside of my cloud a movie began to play. I became her thoughts, no, I became her Dreams. I drifted into the dream and began to play with the young little Red that I met years ago and I was happy. I created memories, daydreams and fought off nightmares, I was her Golden Dream Cloud. We rested on the ground where the symbols remained, all the other clouds looked down and awed as Red and I slept on the Red jacket drifting deeper into the Dream. I was a Dream Cloud.

Author's Note

all comments are accepted.

Reviews

[Dr. YumnaKay]

This brought tears to my eyes... You have a vivid imagination, Sire, and you've never ceased to amaze me with your beautiful way of writing.
Mesmerizing read.

[...]

You have a wonderful imagination and gift for storytelling, Drift. I think the ending is perfect. I could use a dream cloud, please send one my way.

[Sir Drift & Mr. Pulse]

Thank you for reading this shy story. A dream cloud will be on its way to keep your thoughts in a beautiful place!

[...]

That's a cloud that I would welcome. Thank you!

[the one inside]

so we are all dream clouds? Clouds that have no meaning in the sky, but the ceiling of your mind! Sir, mesmerizing!

[Sir Drift & Mr. Pulse]

Humble thank you

[David Jae]

I like the fantastical feel and the richness of your imagination. The story is heartfelt and it clearly means a lot to you.

However, this would benefit from being more polished, in my opinion.

You need to better space our dialogue, to make it easier for the reader. In this draft, your dialogue gets lost in the prose. Ideally, you should start a new line for every speaker. Also, the use of block capitals is distracting.

Also, I feel that you use too much exposition.

EG
" There was a building she rushed into, it had those letter on it, SCHOOL, and then she came out with a red jacket on."

Things like this just seem a little stilted. I acknowledge that you are showing this from an outside point of view, but there would be better ways of doing it. Rather than saying it was a school, you could describe things about the school that show us what it is, such as children at play or the markings on the playground.

Don't take this the wrong way, I like the richness of this, but I need to be honest. You need to refine how you deliver your stories.

I think that have a bright future ahead of you...

David

[Sir Drift & Mr. Pulse]

Yes, I clearly see your point, I am working on revising all of my stories, the only thing I post here are rough drafts of the ideas, or, sketch drawings instead of paintings, if that makes any sense. Its because I am working on so many other stories at once that I just save on here what I have written down so far. But I do see your point and I take those kinds of things to enhance them later on, thank you by the way.

[David Jae]

You have a very good outlook on these things. Personally, I find it hard to take criticism, as necessary as it is.

[hcarson]

wow sir drift..i really wish i had your imagination...you are born to write. your imagination is second to non. brilliend full marks....did the elderly lady die at the end? :( job well done :)

[Sir Drift & Mr. Pulse]

Humbkly, humbly. The ending is an open ending.

[hcarson]

for me it was kind of like shee died, sad but fitting. wonderful stuff anyway no matter how the ending is viewed...you could illustrate this with an image of a golden clouddrawn by you :)

[Sir Drift & Mr. Pulse]

Did yoiu just rhyme? Lol. Yes I am working on illustrations

[hcarson]

aha, yes accidently...see what this site does to you haha, your illustrations will be great, look forward to seeing them

[Rell E. Tyrots]

Well, I won't lie, this is not quite the type of writing I prefer, but I can give critique and praise all the same. Don't get me wrong, when I say it's not my type I merely speak of taste. I prefer more mature content.

Let's begin with the good stuff:
- The story is well-constructed, flowing, and the ending, together with the conclusion, is good.
- I do like your "over-thinking simple things." I think it is a major part of the literary arts.
- Although it is not quite to my taste, the story is good. It has anything a plot needs, and it is written well. You masterfully told the story, the way even a 6-years old could understand, but without making it ridiculous.

Now for the constructive critique:
- Minor grammatical errors. Nothing more to say, simply a thing that you need to work on and that will get better over time.
- Inconsistent time. For example: "I begin to cry and my tears fell on beautiful green grass when suddenly I see a young girl looking up at me, she was smiling, but why?" "begin"-"fell"-"see"-"was;" present-past-present-past. When writing a story, you should check if you remain in the same tense for things that happen at the same time, or sequentially. Otherwise, it might confuse the reader and also damage the reading experience.
- Punctuation. You might see puctuation as a synonym for tedium, but I must say that, for me, it can turn around the reading experience. Let's view an example: "..., so I became ice and threw chunks of hail at him and he was hurt badly but his rage grew more." There are three major parts to this sentence, yet zero punctuation - "..., so {I became ice and threw chunks of hail at him} and {he was hurt badly} but {his rage grew more.}" Quick rule that would make your life easier: add commas before any word that connects two independent sentences (or, clauses,) such as 'and,' 'but,' etc. So it should be: "..., so I became ice and threw chunks of hail at him, and he was hurt badly, but his rage grew more." In my opinion it would be even better to remove the 'and' and divide it into two seprate sentences, to prevent it from becoming clumsy (let's also add the context, so you could see how well it connects together): "I pushed Red aside and saw how my body was melting, so I became ice and threw chunks of hail at him. He was hurt badly, but his rage grew more." That is much more flowing and readable, in my opinion.
There are many examples like this throughout the story. I believe that, with time and reading, it would come more naturally to you. I believe proper punctuation makes the reading smoother and, generally, easier.

Keep writing, keep learning, keep improving, and most of all - keep enjoying the literary arts!

[Sir Drift & Mr. Pulse]

Thanks man! I know, I still have a long way to go. Punctuation and time are things I am practicing to improve. Thank you for the read.

[Be-creactive7742]

All I can say is that by the last 3 paragraphs, I was locked in and you sent goosebumps down my spine. Minor grammar errors, nothing to worried about. Awesome story. The spin off of Frosty the Snowman with all the elements and nature themes was unique, never read anything like it. You definitely have a gift, keep killin' it. Love and light, Brian.

[Sir Drift & Mr. Pulse]

Thanks man! I really tried to make it compelling and interesting. I love over thinking simple things. I'm grateful of you reading all the way through as in all of my stories the best parts are in the last paragraphs. So thank you for understanding the magic in it. As for grammar, yes I have alot to work on so thank you for pointing that out. You're awesome man.

[Corset]

Everyone should have a golden dream cloud, what a delightful read.

[Sir Drift & Mr. Pulse]

Thank you! We All should! Especially if they could trade thoughts with others :)

[Corset]

Only if they are good productive thoughts :P

[Sir Drift & Mr. Pulse]

True true. Clearly on spot.