Spencer 3.

October 8^th

He knows. He wasn't at my locker. I waited and waited until the bell rang. Then I hurried to my first period and there he was sitting in his normal seat staring into space like beautiful statue. He was cold, like a statue as well. There is no doubt in my mind that he knows. I also don't doubt that Laurie made me sound like an absolute tramp .He probably had me on me knees singing my sad story begging him to give it up and save me. I hate him to the very depths of my soul. I look at Zane and he continues to stare straight ahead. It's a dagger to my heart.  I am defeated. Why would Laurie do this to me? Did he really feel a need to screw up things more than he has? I just don't really know what I am supposed to do. I have never had this much attention. True, it's negative but still I'm not accustomed to it. The word "w***e" follows me everywhere. Laurie did his job well. He didn't just feed his story to Zane; he fed to the entire population at school. I don't care about the entire school though; I just wish I knew how to make Zane listen.

October 9^th

This isn't fair. How can I get Zane to talk to me if he won't look at me? I wish I had enough to nerve do something over the top like in the movies. Too bad this is real life. If it were a movie, I could walk into his fifth hour demand he give me five minutes of his time. I would tell him everything and he would hold me as I cried my way through it. It's too bad though; this is real life. I had to see my counselor for the first time in over a week. She said the staff has picked up on some negative comments concerning me and it worried her. Great. My counselor thinks I'm a s**t who has nothing better to do than seduce football players. Good, great, perfect, absolutely freaking PERFECT.

October 10^th

I never realized before now how lonely being alone was. I had gotten so used to being alone that it was no great feat. Then I met Zane and started to think things could actually be looking up. I'm still trying to figure out what the hell Laurie thought he was doing. I was staying quiet. I wasn't going to breath a word of it. I guess he was afraid I would tell his friend. No, it wasn't that. It was his reputation. He was afraid I would tell Zane and Zane would do something and it would become public knowledge that Laurie…that he…I can't believe it's been so long and I still can't even think the words. I have to step up and out of this reclusive shell I have been hiding in for so long. If I want change, I need to make it. If I want respect, I need to gain it. If I want answers, I need ask questions. To ask questions, I need overcome fear.  To overcome fear, I need to face it.

October 11^th

Today is Wednesday and I can't believe what I did at school today. I was walking to 3^rd period and I saw Laurie with his friends, laughing, smiling, happy .all the things he doesn't deserve to be. I snapped. I went up to him and threw the books he was holding to the floor. He looked at me like I was out of my mind and said, "Hey baby, you here looking for more?" I almost screamed, "You are the lowest kind of scum in the world!" He laughed, "Why? Because I warned my best friend about you?" I looked him straight in the eyes, "No, because you lied to him. You know what happened and so do I and what you told Zane isn't what happened at all is it?" He smiled, "So why don't you tell everyone what I did to you?" For the first time since we started our exchange I looked at something besides his face. People had surrounded us, of course. He knew I wouldn't say what happened. He knew he had won. I didn't respond. He was a great actor. His smiling face turned serious, "You tricked me. I thought you cared about me but you all you wanted was spotlight. Well you got it. Everyone knows what you are." I was so angry I felt like I was choking, "You…You b*****d." He was right. I couldn't say it. I lost control of my emotions and the tears found their way down my face. I ran.

October 11^th

Zane was at my locker today. For a split second I thought maybe he had heard the exchange between Laurie and I and knew there was more to the story then what was shown. Then I saw his eyes. Stone cold. I knew it wasn't that. I walked up to him and before I could say a word, "Why did you make a scene yesterday? Did you seriously want more attention? I don't understand you. You make me sick. I honestly thought you wanted to be friends with me for who I was, not my status. Spencer, I…I just have no words." He started to walk away, "Zane, please. You haven't even given me five seconds to explain." He turned around. "Go ahead." "I…I was…He…" "Five, four, three, two, one." He walked away. Well damn.

October 12^th

Friday. I wrote a letter. I knew I would never get the words to come out of my mouth. So I wrote them. I spend hours on it, instead of doing homework. It's just so hard sometimes…to make words come.

Zane, I wasn't lying when I said there was more to the story. There is…so much more. So much I couldn't get myself to say. I guess I didn't think you would believe me. I realize that I have to trust you if I ever want you to look at me again. I didn't have sex with Laurie. I mean… I did but it's not like sounds. I never asked for it like he says. I didn't consent. I never wanted it. I said no. I said no over and over. It didn't matter. He didn't care. He…Zane he…raped me.

 

He didn't see me until he was at his locker. Soon as he did he turned to walk away. I grabbed his arm. "What do you want Spencer? Can't you just leave me the hell alone" I cringed. "I will Zane, I promise. Just…read this, please' I shoved the note into his hand and walked away. I couldn't stand there as he read it. I couldn't I just couldn't. I can't decide if I am glad it's Friday or not. I have to wait till Monday to know how he reacts.

October 13^th

Saturday. I woke up to my mother telling me someone was at the door for me. I threw on shorts and a t-shirt and walked as slowly as I could to the door. I didn't know who it was or what to expect. Zane. Beautiful Zane. His brown hair was wet from the pouring rain and it only made him look better. My heart was in suspense. Was he here to yell at me for lying or…? "Spencer, can you come with me?" I nodded and followed him to his car. Once inside there was silence. We drove for a while and ended up parking in front of a lake. "Zane…" "Spence, don't." He called me 'Spence' and my heart jumped. "I read the letter. I…I don't know what to think." I sighed. I couldn't say something even if I wanted too, so he continued. "Laurie has been my best friend for years." I made a noise that must have sounded like a laugh being covered by a cough. Which it was, now I had something to say. "I should have known, I really should have. Of course you believe him. You've known him for years. You've known me for what? A month? That's just it isn't though? You don't know me. I have nothing to gain by lying to you and Laurie has everything to lose by telling the truth. You can't see that though can you?" He looked at me, angrily, "Look. I don't think he did the right thing. He never should have told everyone…'" I lost it. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I don't give a damn what everyone thinks. I cared what you thought. Don't you get it? You! You were the only one that hurt me by ignoring me. You were the one person who was bought into it that I cared about. The one person who I thought would have the decency to listen to both sides of the story. I was wrong. I see that." I got out of the car and started to walk in the rain home. The rain was coming down in sheets and I shivered but I didn't care. The rain mixed with my tears and sent them down the gutter and far far away. Out of nowhere, I laughed. The rain made me feel like a child again. I started laughing and then I started to dance. I danced to the beat that the thunder provided me and the lightening was my spotlight. I twirled and then I fell to my knees and screamed. I screamed out all of my emotions and then I collapsed. The sobs busted through me and the lightening struck, the thunder followed and then my heart broke. "Spencer." I couldn't believe it. Couldn't heme alone? "What…what do…you want?" I managed to stammer out. I hated that he was seeing me cry. "Spencer, I believe you." I looked up sharply. "What?" "I believe you. I'm sorry. I just…couldn't believe he would do it." He approached me slowly, like he was afraid I would run away again but I didn't. He knelt down beside me and held me and despite how cold the rain made everything, I felt warm. "Spencer, we'll get through this. I promise no one will ever hurt you again." I cried harder but this time I had someone to lean on and just knowing that gave me strength. leave

October 14^th

Monday. I feel as if I can hear the thoughts of the people walking by me. I walked with Zane to every class and their thoughts and opinions are broadcasted on their faces. Colorful, bold, shy, loud, quiet, it didn't matter, it was there and though in different words, it said the same thing. Some wonder what I said but most wonder what I did to get him back on my side. I don't care, my own thoughts are screaming louder than anyone else even though no one but Zane can hear it. He held my hand through the hallways and I kept my head high.

October 15^th

There was a fight today. It was between 3^rd and 4^th period and I was walking to my next class when a crowd of people attracted my attention. I walked over and there it was. Someone was restraining Zane while Laurie was standing there smiling. "Oh come now, are you defensive of her now that you're sleeping with her?" He laughed and continued, "I would have her checked. Never know what the b***h has." Zane broke away from the guy holding him back and threw Laurie against a locker, "After what you did to her, I should kill you." He pulled him up and slammed him again against the locker, "But you're not worth my time. Go find someone else's a*s to kiss. I'm done putting up with you."  With that he shoved him one last time and walked away right before the teacher arrived. Zane walked right past me and kept walking. I followed him through the halls, out the door, into the parking lot and then to his car. We got in wordlessly and drove away.

October 16^th

I didn't go to school again today. Zane picked me up and informed me we were going on a road trip. He wouldn't tell me where we were going just…that we were going. We drove for a good 3 hours before I realized where we were headed. He was taking me to the beach. I laughed. "What are you laughing at Spence?"  I smiled, "Just…you are wonderful. After another 30 minutes of driving we finally arrived at the beach and the sun was shining. Soon though, I began to feel my mood drop drastically. The last time I was at the beach, I was with him. Feeling the sand under my bare toes, smelling the salty sweetness of the water and hearing the songs the wind sings; it all takes me back. Our fingers laced together and his beautiful skin shining under the suns smile. We fell asleep on the beach and woke up when the tide-starting coming in, we woke up wet and laughing. He took me there to escape the horrible nightmare that awaited us at home, the awful truth of her being gone forever. I didn't realize how long I had been lost in the past until Zane shook me and told me I had been staring out into the water for fifteen minutes. "Are you alright? I thought coming here would make you happy?" I smiled wistfully and kissed him on the cheek. "You're wonderful." He laughed, "You keep saying that but you're the one who is amazing. You have strength that astounds me." At that tears began to well up in my eyes, my legs failed me and I fell to the ground. The tears kept coming and soon I was hyperventilating and gagging until I finally threw up. I threw up everything that I had been holding inside of me for years, all the anger, pain, sadness, betrayal, lies and threats. "He took me here." Zane looked quickly up at me, "Laurie? Oh Spence, I didn't know." I snorted, "No not Laurie, Caleb did." At the sound of his name I lost my breath. I said it. I hadn't said his name since the last time I saw him. After two years I finally said it. Zane walked slowly over to me and took my hand, "Caleb?" I looked at him and in his beautiful green eyes but the moment for my honesty had passed. I stood up and pulled Zane up with me and dragged him in the ocean. Zane seems to know when to push and when to wait and he seemed to know to wait. We laughed as the waves crashed over our heads and the wind continued to sing.

October 16^th

 Thursday. Zane picked me up for school today as he has gotten in the habit of doing. We stopped by the local donut shop on the way and for lack of a better phrase, ate our feelings. We both have been getting worn out from all the tension at school and it keeps getting harder and harder to make ourselves go. I wish we could go off everyday and be separated from the cruelty of high school kids. I don't know why Zane bothers with me; all I have done is cause him trouble.  When we finally arrived at school and sat down in first period we were immediately called to the principal's office. We were caught. Mr.Botticelli our school's rather large and rather Italian principle asked us to take a seat and he began to clean his thick owl glasses. He continued to clean his glasses for a few moments and then cleared his throat, "It was brought to my attention that on Tuesday the14th you two decided to leave early and on Wednesday the 15^th you chose to not come in at all. I can only assume you were together, Now Mr. Carter, I honestly don't know what to say. You've never shown behavior like this before. The only conclusion I have drawn is Miss Adams has led you astray." He paused for a breath, "As for you, Adams, I wish I could say I was surprised but you've always shown a lackluster attitude and have never shown any interests in any school activities." I could feel my temper rising, "That isn't fair sir, you don't understand." Botticelli looked as if he couldn't believe I opened my mouth during his speech. "Fair? Oh I see. You're a teenager. I couldn't possibly understand. I've heard what has been going around school and I would highly suggest for you to just nod your head and keep your mouth shut. You've done enough damage to some of the brightest stars at this school." I could feel Zane go tense next to me, "Sir, you are being incredibly rude and judgmental of Spe…" Botticelli stood up and walked over to where Zane and I were seated so he could glare down at us, "I have had ENOUGH. I will not be talked back too and disrespected. This is MY school and you will follow MY rules and do what I say. Do you understand?" Zane shot up and towered over Botticelli, "Sir, I understand clearer than I ever have." With that he walked out.