Spencer 2.

September 28th
I think over my run in with Zane a lot. What would he have said if I had stayed? Would he have been kind? Did I really run because I was crying or maybe I ran because I didn't want the image I had of him shattered? I like to picture him as a good person; someone who is kind. If I waited for him to speak and he had been cruel, I don't think I could have handled that. I like to think that his face is a reflection of his heart even though I know better. I do, I really do. Laurie taught me that lesson well. On the flipside, if he had been nice what would have happened? I probably still would have run. I am a coward when it comes down to it. I hid the night my father left. I was seven. I heard my mother and father screaming at each other, and I heard the sound of breaking plates. I could almost feel my mothers pain when her words finally shoved my father out the door. After he left, I crawled out from my hiding place and I peeked into the room where my mother was. She was on the floor. Her head resting in her hands as her body shook violently as she sobbed. I had never seen her cry. I didn't know she was capable. She was different after that night. Never again was she the same. After he left she become a statue. She turned into a cold and resolute woman who only cared about image. She has trouble looking at me because I look so much like my father. I haven't seen him since he left. I don't miss him so much. The house is quieter. Which is good because there is so much noise in my head.

September 29th
 Another weekend. My mother barged into my room today and told me we were taking our Christmas card pictures today. I pointed out its September but she told me to "hush" and we left. She made me dress up in an awful bright red dress and she matched me in a red woman's suit thing. I looked at the picture and imagined that that must be what evil looked like. I'm not fond of this ritual. Why put our faces on a card to be sent out to people we never talk too? So they can mock the terrible clothes? I don't understand why holidays make people happy. Long lines, traffic, and kids getting lied too; it doesn't make sense. At least it's a couple months off. Halloweens coming up, I like Halloween. I can pretend to be whoever I want. I can wear a mask and not get called out for being a fake. It's the one-day a year I don't get stared at.

September 30th
Sunday. Another hour of my life lost to the never ending preaching of a hypocrite. Today he yelled at us about if we are not clean then we are damned. I am damned. Damned by my own will once and again by the will of someone else. So I suppose there is no hope for someone like me. I wish he was here. He would take my hand and tell me it was okay. He would tell me that the man who condemns me is the man condemned. I feel weak.

October 1st
A new month. Today was unusual. Something happened that hasn't happened in awhile. Someone talked to me. Not just talked at me but too me. It was Zane. I was walking to class and he saw me and broke away from his group of friends and ran over to me. I walked faster but he still caught me. "You left before I could apologize for running into you. You're name is Spencer right?" I could hardly believe my ears. I ran into him and he was apologizing AND he knew my name. I was barely able to stutter out my brilliant reply, "Oh, it's alright. I think I ran into you and yes my name is Spencer, Spencer Adams." I started to walk away but found he was walking beside me, smiling. "Why do you keep trying to run away from me?" I couldn't think of a response before he spoke up again, "Am I intimidating?" Not true. He was beautiful but not intimidating. I started at him and replied, "No, you're just…I just…" He touched my arm and turned me so I was looking into his eyes, "It's okay. You don't need an answer. I just wanted to talk to you." With that he walked away .I wonder if I dreamed this up. I must of. Why would he want to be talk to me?

October 2nd.
 It wasn't a dream. I was putting my books in my locker today and suddenly there he was. He grabbed my books out of my hand and asked where my first class was. I told him and we started off down the hall. People stared. This time, however, they stared not because I was out of place but because I was in place. I was walking down the hall with Zane Carter. I almost want to trust him even though my better judgment is screaming danger. He seems sincere. Then again, so did Laurie. I don't know. I'm getting to be too wishy washy for my own good. Ever ounce of blood in my body is telling me to be careful, but something else, something bigger, is telling me to let it happen.

October 3rd
Wednesday. I got to my locker today and Zane was leaning against it. "You know, I could almost report you as a stalker." At my remark he look surprised and then grinned, "A joke? Could I be growing on the ice queen?" I had to bite my lip to keep from smiling. I couldn't help it. He was sweet. Just like yesterday he grabbed my books and walked to first period with me, only when we got to the door instead of handing me my books and leaving he walked through the doors with me. "Now don't call me a stalker. My counselor had to move me out of my old class. I only asked four times to be put in this one." I looked at him and then threw my head back and laughed. The sound surprised me. Laughter. My laughter. It has been so long and it felt so good. It was odd having a friend in class. To sit next too, whisper too, and just to have the feeling of not being completely alone. It's a good feeling.

October 4th
 Once again Zane was at my locker in the morning and we talked all through class. I don't really understand what is going on. I have known Zane for all of four days and it feels like longer. It's strange. I have kept people out for so long and he has effortless snuck past all my defenses. How this all American boy fits into my life, I'm not all too sure. But I want him too. I want him too be there. I want him in my life.

October 5th
Another Friday. As soon as I arrived at school and saw Zane my heart skipped a beat. It caught me off guard. Could I really be developing feelings for this guy who has to be to good to be true? I've known him less than a week and I'm already getting in deep. It's like I am myself again. As if the past two years didn't really happen. It's like waking up from a long sleep. As I made my way to him, I tripped. That would happen to me. My books hit the ground with a loud THUD! I didn't know what to do. All I knew was I couldn't look up. My face burned. I heard someone laugh and then I heard a "Hey, back off man." Zane. Before I knew it, I was standing up and he was handing my books to me. "Don't pay attention to those jerks. They are so insignificant that they try to make other people to feel like that as if it validates them." I managed something that sounded like a "is k." Which he took to mean, "It's okay." Then as if nothing had happened, he grabbed my books from me and we performed our morning ritual of walking to class and talking all through it. The bell rang and I had been making my way to the door when he stopped me, "Wait, are you busy after school?" It happened. It actually happened. Someone was asking me to hang out. Not just someone but Zane. I took a couple seconds to process the information. "Hey, are you there? If you're busy it's cool. I was just—" I cut him off, "No I don't have anything to do. I'd love to do something." He smiled his wonderful smile and put his hand on my arm, "Good. Meet me at the front entrance right after school." Then he walked away. School lasted forever. I couldn't sit still. Finally the bell rang in 7th period and I raced out of class and made my way to the front entrance. He was already there. As soon as I came up he grabbed my book bag and started walking. I followed. We made our way to his soft blue sports car. I looked at the door wondering how in the world I was supposed to open it. He laughed at my confused expression and motioned for me to move back. I did. He pressed a button and the doors actually went up. Like in the movies. "…Wow" He laughed again. I find I really love the sound. "Yeah it's a Mercedes SLR McLaren. A gift from Dad, to make up for the fact he doesn't bother coming around anymore. Nothing says 'Happy Birthday' like a car." His voice was lined with bitterness and my heart went out to him and before I could stop myself, I indulged him in my own life, "My dad walked out when I was seven. He hasn't called me in about ten years." He looked at me for a while before he replied, "It's a good thing I started following you around." I smiled and got into the car. We drove for a while. I didn't know where we were going and I didn't ask. As we drove, I looked out the window and watched as the city disappeared. Houses and buildings turned into trees, Adults, teenagers and kids turned into animals and the smog turned into crisp cool air. Zane put the windows down and I let my hair out of its ponytail. He looked at me for so long I was afraid we were going to crash. "Zane! Look at the road please. I don't have a death wish." I giggled like a pre-teen. I couldn't help it. His attention flattered me. He turned his eyes to the road and smiled a small smile, "I'm sorry Spence. You're beautiful." There were no words I could come up with to reply to that and I just sat there with the wind blowing through my hair knowing he thought I was beautiful. All we did was drive. We drove for hours and finally he pulled in front of my house and hugged me goodnight. He even waited till I was inside to leave.

 October 6th
Today was the first time ever I have used my cell phone to talk to anyone but my mother. It rang at 9:30 am and I looked at the caller ID annoyed. Who would be calling me? I figured it was a wrong number and answered in a peeved voice, "Hello." The voice that spoke back made me sit up straight in bed. "Spencer. Is that the way to talk to an old friend?" Laurie Markus. "What the hell do you want with me Markus." My voice went from agitated to stone cold. "Oh come on Adams. Last time I checked we were so far from Last name basis. In fact we should be onto cutsie nicknames." I felt sick. "Laurie. I am not playing. What the hell do you want? Hurry up and spit it out or I am hanging up." I could hear him breathing. "Fine. I hear you've been screwing Zane Carter." My heart fell to my feet. "What?!" I heard his awful laugh. "It's all over school my dear girl, everyone knows. I mean why else would Zane hang out with a total social reject. The only way people like us pay attention to people like you is to get some. History proves it doesn't it love. Or what if he really thinks you're different. Does he know about us? Does he? How would be react? I think I am going to find out." The line went dead. The tears made trails down my face and my body felt dead. Why me? Why now? It's not even like it sounds. I didn't want it. I said no. But what does no do when a football player pins you down. Once Laurie lets it "slip", who's going to believe me anyways?

October 7th
I told my mother I was sick and stayed home from church. My heart was beating a sad song all day long. I memorized the tune and let it sway me into darkness. I slept a lot. A dreamless sleep. I'm glad I didn't dream. I don't want to know what my unconscious would give me. Tomorrow, I dread tomorrow. But like any other day, it will come. Hopefully, it won't destroy me.