Just another stereotype

Reminiscing on those days, I've noticed how things have changed.

 Sometimes I think that maybe somehow I could change the game. 

But meanwhile I speak these flames, but still standing in the cold. 

Plus I could care less about how much stuff you sold.

 Hold up, how much did you make, and only in a week. You gonna buy those Jordan's know there looking pretty sweet. See those schemes are for the weak. Ones who claim their balling but don't train with the elite. So I could just fall in line.But I want something more important than a cool gold chain or  the newest pair of Jordan's.

Even though I know I might be being cheated young black teen still refuse to be defeated. Because the people that are hurting me,

 don't  play a part in this movie that I'm starring in. 

Cop pulls me over proceeds to ask  me who's car it is.

We both know that he isn't gonna leave until he sees that it's not Mrs.Johnson's car who lives down the street.

But this movie is a verb, 

in other words an action,

blockbuster about a kid who had a lot of passion.

Who made great poems, if it wasn't for the fact 

that he was black.  OH NOT A BLACK  POET!!

So they labeled it as RAP.

Reviews

[MsJewel]

Even though I know I might be being cheated young black teen still refuse to be defeated. Because the people that are hurting me,
don't play a part in this movie that I'm starring in.

Your words are powerful and filled with emotion. The three lines above are the ones that really struck a cord for me - I like the attitude here. - in the whole scope of things..they don't matter. Don't let them bother you and move on. Great insight.

I think this is well written and easy to read. Black, white, purple or green, I've never been a big fan of rap, and I am now a fan of your poetry.
:) Julie

[young__simba]

I appreciate you giving your opinion on this it helps me see from another point of view.

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

I like the concept of this piece, it has a strong message and is something that I think is important in its literary power. The societal norm seems to be the need for an outcast of some sort...whether it be a race, creed, religion, etc., and I think that is because it makes the rest of the collective society feel better about themselves (I'm talking world society here). This is why there is war, in my opinion...it's a flexing of muscles. Anyway...I think metaphorically your piece could speak as loudly as it does personally.

My suggestions would be on enhancing the form. I would suggest condensing the lines so that they are more hard hitting-- keep only the most necessary words. For instance:

I know I might be being cheated,
but this young black teen refuses to be defeated.
The people who are hurting me don't play a part
in this movie that I'm starring in - Cop pulls me over
asks me whose car I'm in -

I would just pay attention to the line breaks so that there is a good flow to the piece, and maybe take an editing eye to each "stanza" so that you aren't repeating words (like the second stanza, you mention Jordan's at the beginning, maybe something different at the end... "...that cool gold chain or newest (insert something here)") You get the idea.

So, mainly my suggestions are with the form...you have a knack for flow and rhythm, and a powerful poetic voice. Keep writing and I will keep reading!

[Shane Mohamed]

I don't mean to shoot you down, but I think that this would make a great rap song, and I'm not saying that to stereotype you if you're black, but the lyrics have so much richness in content, and you deliver a great message, with such great inspiration. It seems like a good outlet of emotions for you. I would suggest digging deeper though, and try to experiment with the roots of poetry. Then the reader will be able to distinguish the difference and you will be able to portray your message in a more subtle manner. Best of luck,
Shane