Bro Brunch

A Story by Juan Gil

A group of friends have a final meal together before college.

“Guys, we should go to B-Dubs!” Juan declared in excitement.

“Juan, that’s what we’re doing,” Parker responded from the driver’s seat.

“Yeah, we’re literally on the way there,” added Brody.

“Oh right,” Juan realized. “Oh, and that reminds me! I invited Danny to come with us, too. Is that okay?”

An uncomfortable silence filled the air.

“Wait, you guys DO like Danny, don’t you?” he inquired once more.

“Oh look, we’re here,” Parker announced as he pulled into the Buffalo Wild Wings parking lot. He had no trouble finding a parking spot in the nearly empty lot as it was a Tuesday afternoon. The trio ambled along into the building, birds chirping in the background. Parker entered first and glanced over at the dining area.

“Haha, look at that loser sitting at that table all by himself,” Parker pointed out rather loudly, signalling towards a boy with auburn hair sitting alone at a booth in the corner.

The “loser” turned around and glared at Parker, revealing himself to be Danny.

“Oh, sorry Danny,” Parker apologized.

“F**k you,” Danny growled.

“Alright guys, let’s just go sit down,” Brody proposed in an attempt to break the tension.

Juan stood and pondered for a moment.

“Wait, if we sit with Danny, does that make us losers since we’re sitting with a loser? Or does it make him not a loser because he’s not sitting alone anymore?”

“Just sit down, Juan,” Parker demanded as he sat next to Danny.

“O-okay,” Juan stuttered in response while he took the seat across from Danny.

“Danny, how long have you been waiting here?” Brody asked.

“Well, Juan told me you guys were having lunch here, but he never mentioned what time. And B-Dubs opened at 11 today, but I broke in way before that. So I’ve been sitting here for about 5 hours.”

“That’s dedication right there,” Parker observed.

“HAHAHAHA, shut the f**k up, Parker,” Danny taunted.

“Hey, don’t be mean to Parker!” Juan exclaimed.

“Shut up, Juan,” Danny commanded.

“O-okay, sorry,” Juan stuttered once more.

The boys each grabbed a menu. At first, they simply skimmed over the options. However, they grew indecisive. They began to over-analyze each and every page. They wanted to be certain that the meal they chose was perfect. After all, this was the last outing they would have together before being torn apart by the unapologetic ruthlessness of college.

“Excuse me,” a waiter said as he walked up to them, “do you boys know what you’d like to order, or do you need some more time?”

“Hmmmm, I think we’re ready,” Parker affirmed. “I’ll have a grilled chicken sandwich with American cheese, bacon, and mayo.”

“Alright, and for you?” the waiter asked as he looked towards Danny.

“Oh, actually could you let them order first and then come back to me?”

The waiter stared at him blankly before turning towards Juan. “And what would you like?”

“May I have a burrito with brown rice, black beans, chicken, sour cream, cheese, and lettuce, please?” Juan requested

The waiter stood there confused before simply responding, “What?”

“Juan,” Parker began, “we’re at B-Dubs, remember?”

“Oh right, wrong restaurant!” he realized. “In that case, may I have some small honey barbecue wings with blue cheese, please?”

“Blue cheese is f*****g disgusting, what’s wrong with you?” the waiter asked.

“Wait, what?” asked Juan.

“I said I’ll have that right out for you.”

“Oh, okay, thank you!” Juan responded gleefully.

“And what would you like?” the waiter asked Brody.

“Could I have the medium honey barbecue boneless wings with ranch. But don’t put the ranch on the side. I want you to put the ranch on the wings. Smother it all over them. Drench my wings in ranch. I want it to look like the Hidden Valley took a giant ranch s**t all over my wings, please,” Brody ordered.

“Alright then,” the waiter sighed. “Anyways, have you decided what you want, yet?” the waiter asked Danny.

“Yeah, I’ll just have the exact same thing he’s having,” Danny said, pointing at Parker.

The waiter glared at Danny before responding, “Okay, your food should be out shortly.” He quickly shuffled away.

Suddenly, Juan’s phone began to ring.

“Hello?” he answered.

“Who is it?” asked Parker.

“Connor.”

“Dude, put it on speaker,” Danny requested.

Juan removed his phone from his ear and pressed the speaker button.

“What’s up, Connor?” he asked.

“Where are you?” Connor inquired.

“I’m at B-Dubs about to eat some lunch.”

“Oh, who are you with?”

“Danny, Parker, and Brody.”

“What, why?”

“‘Cause they’re my friends.”

“Well I think they’re all a bunch of f*****s.”

Immediately, the boys all looked at each other in anger and confusion.

“Don’t say that about them!” Juan demanded.

“Yeah, they’re all a bunch of b*****s.”

Danny’s face began to grow red with anger.

“Oh and by the way, I know I’m on speaker right now,” Connor revealed.

The boys laughed and sighed in relief as they calmed down.

“I heard someone tell you to put me on speaker. That’s what happens when you try to play the playa, m***********s,” Connor playfully warned before promptly hanging up.

Juan put his phone down and checked his Pokémon Go app.

“You still play that game?” Parker asked, looking over.

“Of course I do, Pokémon is my s**t,” Juan replied.

“I just feel like it’d be boring to play by now,” Danny commented.

“Not really. I was pretty excited the other day when I hatched a Magmar. It kinda reminds me of Jack,” Juan shared.

Everyone looked at him, confused.

“‘Cause they both have a puffy, red head and squinty eyes.”

This was followed by laughter and murmurs of agreement.

“Speaking of which, where is Jack?” Juan asked.

An uncomfortable silence filled the table.

“You guys DID invite him, didn't you?” he inquired once more.

“Hey look, here comes our food,” Parker announced.

The waiter placed the plates on the table, before taking the boys’ drinks to refill them. Danny, Parker, and Juan stared at Brody’s food. It was a giant plate filled with wings; each of them was covered in ranch.

“Holy s**t Brody, that’s a lot of f*****g wings,” Danny commented.

“I hope you know that’s gonna be a really big poop later,” Juan advised.

“Yeah, are you sure you’re gonna be able to eat them all?” Parker asked worried.

“Mackenzie said I have to get some ‘more meat on dem bones’ or she’ll throw me in the dungeon again,” Brody explained.

“The what?” asked Parker.

“Um, nevermind,” Brody quickly retorted.

“Speaking of Mackenzie, I call being the minister at your guys' wedding,” Juan informed.

“I don’t think you can call that,” Danny commented, biting into his sandwich.

“No, it’s okay,” Juan reassured. “I have a minister's license I got online.”

“Wait you can actually do that?” Danny inquired.

“Yeah it’s a thing,” Brody explained. “You just fill out some forms and stuff.”

“That’s sick,” Danny said in awe.

Suddenly, the waiter reappeared. “Did you boys enjoy your food?” he asked as he set the bills on the table.

The boys nodded and murmured affirmatively, their mouths filled to the brim with food. They continued their witty banter as they finished eating and paid for their meals.

“And so I said, ‘Hey officer, why don’t you show me YOUR license and registration?’ Then he was all like ‘You know what Danny? I respect you.’ And that’s how I got out of a traffic ticket.”

“That sounds fake, but okay,” Parker commented as he rolled his eyes.

“Eat a dick,” Danny snapped.

“I think it was a lovely story,” Juan encouraged.

“Juan, you’re such a p***y,” Danny blurted.

“I know,” Juan replied softly as he hung his head in shame.

The waiter came back to collect the bills. “Thanks guys, I hope you come back, soon,” he shilled.

“Aw, I'm gonna miss hanging out with you guys. It's nice to have friends who are nice to me and actually like interacting with me for once,” Juan subtweeted.

“Alright well I gotta go home and finish packing,” Danny announced.

“Wait guys, we forgot to take a picture together,” Juan realized.

The other boys immediately got up and walked to the exit. Once outside, Danny made his way to his car while everyone else packed into Parker’s.

“Bye Danny!” Brody called out.“Good luck at college.”

“You too, man,” Danny yelled in response.

“See you around, Danny,” Parker added.

“Go f**k yourself, Parker,” Danny quipped.

“See you tomorrow morning, Danny! And remember, I have a surprise for you,” Juan reminded.

Parker pulled out of the parking lot and drove towards 43.

“I can’t wait to get home,” Brody announced. “For some reason. I really have to go to the bathroom.”

“I wonder why,” Parker remarked sarcastically.

Juan began to laugh when suddenly, his face filled with panic. “Parker, wait!” he yelled. “I forgot my debit card at B-Dubs!”