There she was . The girl I only saw in pictures . She was really there . I was happy to meet someone new . I felt like I already knew her . We hung out all day at Louisianime and I was so happy to meet another cosplayer . I didn't know what to say since I'm socially awkward . I made a complete idiot out of myself but she still hung out with us . She didn't mind . She seemed fine but I don't know something seemed different about her . She seemed like something in her was hurting . I knew those eyes . I saw myself in her. I just wanted to know for sure . When I had to leave for some reason I didn't want to go . What if I never saw her again I just knew she was special some how in some way . I can't let her go . I just wanted to stay longer . She was so different and I was curious . I wanted to be close to her . I wanted to be her friend . I just knew I had to be there I wasn't sure why I just knew I needed her and that I needed to be there for her . I met her for a reason . The whole day after I left I couldn't get her out of my head she was just different something about her. When I brought up a girl who had scars everywhere and she told me she went through self harm . My heart just stopped I was right . I do need to be there for her .. She told me about all the things that happened and I just wanted to save her . I understood her so well . It's not fair she shouldn't go through that pain I went through . Listening to her voice on the call I just wanted cry but I tried to stay calm and give her advice . I felt her pain so much . My heart just broke I wanted her to see out of my eyes . That even though she's in this dark hole there's still a light . I wanted her to realize how beautiful she is .
Her arms her smile her heart . She shouldn't listen to what everyone else says . I feel her not letting me in . I don't try to push the walls down Bc I'm the same way . I usually keep my walls high and push everyone away but I wanted to let her in . The last person I pushed away told me the next person I meet I need to let in and let my guard down I promised her I would . I don't want to push her away . I want to let her in because I'm always too strong I need to let some one break me some . I want to feel things I want to have friends . I don't remember how it feels to be close to some one anymore . I always keep everything inside but I want to try something out my comfort zone . Life is too short to live in fear .. I want to let you in ally . I think the reason I choose you is because I understand you . Were the same . I know how you work scared to let people in scared to hurt them like u have in the past . I'm scared too but if we learn how to let people In together it won't be so scary . I want you to put down your walls with me I want to be your friend . I want to be honest with you and tell you things I've never told anyone . I want you to come to me when your afraid someone will judge you I'll never judge you . I know I just met you but your important to me . You don't understand how hard it is for me to let my walls down . I want to . I'm tired of being afraid . I see the good in you . I wish you could see it too .. Maybe then you wouldn't be so hard on yourself . I'm not as strong as I make myself out to be . I'm just as hard on myself . But I try not to be Bc I know it's not going to do anything . All those things you said about punishing yourself . I used to do it . I felt like I messed up everything I touched but in reality those people were just blaming anything they could Bc they were scared to face their own fears . On my 21st birthday I was planning on killing myself I even had it all planned out . Go to a hotel maybe so know one could find me and maybe pop some pills or slit my throat with the blade that started all my pain . The reason I was waiting till I was an adult was because everyone told me it gets better after high school so I promised myself to stick it out .. I let my grades slip and I started to fail . I didn't see the point in making grades if I wasn't going to be alive much longer . At certain points I wanted to kill myself this year instead . I always stopped because It wasn't fair to my family and my mom who is already depressed . I had to pretend to be happy for her so she wouldn't worry . I kept it up too but this one day she found out . I had this horrible boyfriend who would tell me I'm not good enough .. He lied to me . He told me to gain weight Bc he wasn't attracted to me at all . I already wasn't eating two meals a day and I thought I wasn't good enough already . He told me I was a freak for cutting and that he couldn't take my weird s**t anymore .. He left me instead of helping me when I needed someone most . He cheated on me that whole time we were dating and it just hurt so much .. I thought he actually loved me . I trusted him . I held his hand and laid in his arms and the whole time he was off with some one else . Then when we broke up he told everyone I broke up with him when I was begging him not to go . He said I broke his heart that I was a monster when I never did one thing to him .. He constantly bullied me after this and made fun of me for self harming . Oh I'm lyrical I cut myself to feel . Oh hey lyrical why don't you cut yourself over me . Oh lyrical why don't u go kiss a bunch of girls . It hurt Bc he was the same boy that said I love you your beautiful you changed my life . It was all a game to him . That of course isn't the reason I'm depressed he just made it worse I was already self harming since 5th grade . He was supposed to take me to homecoming but he dumped me to go with a popular girl and said he would get back together with me after he dated her . I was shocked . I shut him out and closed him away . He kept saying it was my fault and I kept taking the blame .. Sometimes it's not our faults ally we just get blamed .. I still went dress shopping that day expecting to go alone to the dance . I wanted to cry on the dressing room putting on the dresses I felt so ugly seeing my body with all the cuts I didn't feel beautiful anymore . All the dresses I liked showed my cuts or made me feel fat .. And my mom came in the dressing room and she saw my cuts on my arm under my bracelet .. She said oh I didn't think u were one of those girls . What do you have to be depressed about lyrical . I wish I could've told her hey mom I'm gay hey mom I do to eat anymore hey mom I lost all my friends I could go on but instead I just stayed silent and covered them up . She looked at my other arm and then my hips and thighs and freaked out .. She couldn't believe it Bc I hid it so well for so long with all the fake smiles she had no idea I was dying inside . She just told me not to do it again Bc it hurt her it made her feel like a bad mom . It wasn't about her I just wanted her to take my blades and hug me I wanted her to tell me it will be okay and that she loved me but instead she got mad . I understood she didn't understand so I forgive her for never helping . Parents don't always understand . People don't understand things they haven't been through . I cried all night trying to text someone anyone I needed someone but no one was there I didn't have any friends who cared anymore . I just stayed up all night crying wondering if this pain would ever go away .. Then I met a boy and he was new . He seemed nice and I was just looking for anyone to be there . So I dated him to fill the missing hole to make me forget I didn't actually like him much .. But I was so alone . He was really sweet and nice but the guy I dated who broke up with me before told him lies about me and he believed them and left me for some popular girl . I'm always left for girls who are better than me physically none of them had hearts like mine .. But they were beautiful . I was ugly and had scars . Now he's changed since then he's popular and every time he looks at me he looks like he hates my guts . If your still reading to this point thank you . I guess I'm telling you my story Bc I want to open up to someone . After this happened home coming was coming up . I wore combat boots and a dress I didn't feel comfortable in my skin . All the other girls there had heels on and had their hair professionally done and sparkly pretty dresses . I felt so ugly .. But the guy who I went with made me forget about everything for a second .. He made me feel like I mattered I guess . I was myself around him I was awkward at all . I let him hold my hand even though I barely knew him since it was my first time meeting him . I let my guard down for one night . We danced like idiots and ran around like retards . He accepted me for me . He went up and requested a song and we danced to it . It was slow and beautiful and my favs was just buried in his shoulder and I wanted to cry . I wasn't alone I was in someone's arms I felt safe . Then when it was over he walked me outside and he tried to Kiss me and I turned my head . He kissed my cheek instead .. Part of me was happy that I wasn't alone and that someone accepted me but I wasn't ready to let him in emotionally . He asked me out that night and I said yes Bc I thought everyday would be as great as it was that night .we got along and all but he wasn't there for me emotionally . I felt like we were just. Friends he wasn't letting me in . I was falling in love with him but he wasn't back . Everytime I relapsed he was ignore me he would tell me that he didn't want to talk about it . I just wanted him to help to tell me I'm worth more than a blade but he was said why do you have to be depressed all time he was always annoyed . So I let him go . I was hurt . He forgot about me shortly . So about this time I lost a few friends Bc they found out I was gay one of my best friends hated me and blocked me from his phone . I felt like if I told anyone else then I would be shut out by them too I thought everyone would hate me so I hide and I pretended to be straight when I knew I was bisexual . I didn't want to accept myself I tried to force myself to be straight . I went through a deeper hole here I felt so alone so cold everyone left me or was annoyed by my depression so I didn't make new friends Bc I was afraid to bother them with my depression . I stayed alone for along time .. Countless nights alone in my room in the darkness after everyone else fell asleep . Alone with a blade. The thing that kept me from killing myself . Instead of grabbing a gun I grabbed a blade and hacked away till I couldn't do it anymore than I would fall asleep and wake up and see how much blood I lost . This became my only way of staying alive . Everyday I wanted to die but I always grabbed a blade . I still had a tiny bit of hope that maybe I would be happy one day . I kept pushing myself through everyday . I made a friend who was transgendered and I accidentally called her a boy and she got mad and made fun of my cutting everyday till I wasn't in class with her . It was a constant reminder of how pathetic I really was . Sometimes I would just put my head in my arm and pretend to be sleeping in class but I was really crying . People don't realize how much words hurt . I just wanted someone to understand me . One of my old friends reconnected to me and wanted to go on a date . He made me feel like I mattered he said he understood me he went through self harm too . He said he would throw my blades away with me on my birthday that weekend . He was the first guy I told my dad about and he was going to go to the movies with me . He broke up with me a day before my birthday . It hurt he said he just didn't think it would work out . I could easily ended my self harm that day but instead I was left alone again on my birthday . I kept my blades . I didn't ever let myself throw them away for someone else again Bc I knew they would leave and I would need them again . My mom made me go to a dr and get depression meds and the dr made me show her my arms and thighs and they found more cuts and my mom was mad at me she thought I stopped that night . She never understood it's not that easy .. She thought I could just quit .. If I could I would've I wanted to be happy so badly . I always hated myself I thought I wasn't worth anything if people constantly left me and told me I wasn't good enough . I just wanted to be pretty and normal . Why couldn't I be normal . Marching band was the only thing that made me feel like I mattered . If I died then there wouldn't be anyone marching in my spot it would mess up everyone else . It gave me a reason to live for a little while .. I tried so hard to be good in band .. But I was distracted with my depression I was just giving up on everything even in band I just felt like giving up . I was constantly yelled at in band by upperclassmen men saying you need to stay in step it's not that hard just do it. Your not doing that right or this or that . I just wanted to cry I was trying my best but it was so hard to just stay alive . I wanted to make everyone happy but I disappointed everyone my band members my teacher friends and parents . I went through anorexia . I was afraid to cut Bc it was getting deeper and moved all over my body . I needed something else to hurt my body with . I just wanted to hurt myself as much as possible I felt like I didn't deserve to be happy since I dissapointed everyone I felt useless and I needed to punish myself for failing everyone . I couldn't help I was gay or depressed or that I messed up so much . I felt ugly and far that I wasn't good enough maybe if I were skinnier some one would like me maybe I'd be good enough . I would eat 200 calories a day I lost ten pounds in a few days and I scared myself . I couldn't believe how fast I lost weight .. I went to band that day we had practiced and I threw up basically stomach acid since I hadn't ate . I had such a bad headache from lack of eating I got dizzy I couldn't stand and everything was a blur . It's the worst I've ever felt in my whole life . I had to miss band practice and I felt like I had failed the band even more . I had to stand on the side lines that week I wasn't allowed to March since I missed a practice and a group of girls scolded me for missing and I told them I was throwing up and they said so what that's not an excuse you should have sucked it up .. I just wish they knew the real reason .. I would've fainted if I went on the field . I stayed home a day and forced myself to eat . I ended up quoting my Anorexia . I was afraid it would kill me since so many girls died in under a month . I didn't want to hurt my mom anymore . It was getting harder to accept myself I felt so ugly . So worthless . Every time I ate food I hated myself I felt disgusting . I sometimes still feel that way . Pro Ana sites will mess you up forever .. These sites tell girls not to eat and give them tips on how to starve themselves . It's not fair . I saw a girl crying in the gym and I noticed her cuts . She was sitting in front of me and I didn't know her but I wanted to ask her if she was okay but I was afraid she would get annoyed . So I just watched her hurt. I knew her pain . I wanted to help her to show her she wasn't the only one . I thought I could make her stop . I asked a friend for her number . The girl who gave me this number was my best friend . I texted this girl and she instantly had her walls up . I just told her my story and she began to open up to me too .. She told me how she was raped and molested by her uncle and so many others . My heart broke . I didn't know how to help . I just tried to be there for her . We began to get closer and closer she was the first person I told everything to I let completely in let my guard all the way down . We helped each other with our depression venting to each other and giving each other drawings and cute notes when we passed each other in the hall to cheer us up .. She made me want to get better. She was so comforting and loving and so sweet and kind . Her hugs were warm . I tried my best to help her as much as she helped me but I didn't know how . We ended up getting even closer and nothing could separate us . We had a strong bond . I miss that bond so much . She told me she liked me .. She was straight but she said she had feelings for me and I was the only girl she ever liked . I liked her too but I kept it inside since she was straight . We ended up dating and it only made us closer too close . She was still so sad . When she came over to my house I could feel that she was uncomfortable and that she didn't like me .. She was just confused and she admits that now . I was just an experiment . I was okay with that she didn't know any better she was just curious . But she was so sad and I wasn't making her happy . So I let her go so someone better would find her and help her since I couldn't . I didn't even know how to help myself . She hated me for letting her go she felt alone like everyone hated her she blamed me for her cutting Bc i didn't help her good enough . I tried my best . She shut me out blocked my number and told me to stay far away from her so I never got a chance to explain why I left so she thinks I'm a monster . It hurts every time she looks at me . It kills Bc she doesn't know the truth .. I punished myself for hurting Her . I got placed into speech class it's where you have to stand up infront of the class and give speeches . I have social anxiety and I'm afraid of people judging me . So the class made me really stressed out to the point I wouldn't do my speech and my grade dropped and made me more depressed . My dad grounded me and took my phone . My phone was my only escape . I had an app on there called talk life where you could talk to other people with depression and it made me feel like I wasn't alone I had people there to help me at any time I didn't have to be alone .. The saddest part of the app was seeing people dying .. They would say they're tired of it tired of the pain then there was no more posts . They were gone . I just wanted to help everyone on the app but I couldn't even help myself . I felt like an even more worthless person . At this point with out my app and with out her it empty . I lost someone so important . I lost so many people . My best friend who gave me her blocked me out too she hated me for taking all of that girl I dated attention that was her best friend and she was jealous I took her place . I lost two people I cared about .. They both hated me . All my friends took their sides and ignored me . I fell in such a dark hole . I was failing school so badly . Then one day we got paired partners in class . I got that girl I dated new boyfriend . I thought he was a d********g Bc he hung out with all the popular kids . I thought he wasn't good for her And the whole reason I let her go was for her to be happy . He got my number so we could work on our speech together . He turned out to be so nice and so sweet and I felt so bad for judging him . He thought I was some lesbian emo weirdo and so we both were surprised . We ended up being best friends . But it kinda pissed off his gf Bc she hated me . So we just laid Low and she started to not care as long as he didn't mention me anymore . He helped me with my depression . He understood me . He knew my pain . He balanced me . He always to me the bright side to everything I vented to him about . He helped guide me through everything I was scared of .. He helped me so much .. I don't know how to thank him . He saved my life . He made me realize I'm worth living . He was my only friend . And he stayed by my side no matter what we fought about . He stayed there to help me when I needed it . He gave me advice and helped me see clearer . We changed each other . I made him open minded and he stopped hating gays and understood I helped him too . He picked me up when I wanted to relapse he reminded me of how much I worked to stay clean . And when a guy or a girl would dump me he helped me see it wasn't my fault I wasn't worthless . I made a promise to him I would try to get better . I met a boy named James and he acted like he cared about me I thought my life was finally perfect I found someone I love I have caring friends and it was just perfect .. This boy he didn't mean to hurt me at all . We were just too different. I wanted him to come with me to throw away my blades Bc i wanted to make sure I threw them away and for comfort . He wouldn't go he said I had to do it alone I had to face my fears alone this was my battle not his he'd encourage me but he wouldn't finish them for me . I hated him for it I was sad I thought he didn't like me ..but he was just different from me he went through depression and he had to go through it completely alone so he never wants help now since he is so used to doing everything alone . He didn't understand it hurt me he didn't understand why I cut . We were just too different . We're good friends now but it just didn't work out like I wanted . I was sad but I realized that it was one step closer to finding someone better . Each heart break made the next one easier my heart got stronger and stronger and things that used to hurt no longer hurt . I learned to let some things go . I wanted to be happy .. I was getting better finally and I was doing it alone with some people cheering me on . My friend Stephanie accept me for being gay so did all my other friends no one shut me out for being gay like I thought they would it took a load off my cheast . It made me so happy I could finally stop hiding and start being myself .. I was happy . I met a girl named Jamie who was going through depression Bc she had someone just like the girl I dated .. She had a similar thing happen to her . I wanted to be there for her and show her that not everyone wants to hurt her I wanted to be close to her. I felt like even though I barely knew her she was so important . We became close friends . And she started to like me and i liked her too she was the first girl who actually liked me back for real that I liked too . And we were getting closer going to skate heaven and laser tag . We did so much stupid stuff together and she made me feel alive . She got me out of the house . I hadn't been out my room all year besides for school . She got me out of my comfort zone . She showed me so many amazing point of views . She made me understand things I hadn't before . I pushed her away Bc I was afraid if hurt her like I hurt the last girl that i wouldn't be enough for her . I was just afraid . But she stayed and told me I needed to let people in that I can't be afraid of the future I have to accept I'm going to get hurt and just accept love and let people see my weak points that I don't need to be strong all the time .. She made me change . Now were still close friends to this day and she's getting better she had problems with herself too that I tried to help her see . I tried to make her see she shouldn't hurt so much over other people and learn to be happy with herself and let things go and stop trying to fill her empty holes with anyone she finds and to patch them up herself . We changed each other's life . You see everyone has an impact on our lives it's all for a reason we might not understand now . Everything has a reason a huge chain reaction . If I would have never met these people I wouldn't be who I am now . I'm finally happy I don't have to fake it . I no longer think I'm fat or ugly I'm still learning to love myself completely I haven't got there just yet but I won't give up fixing myself . I want to love myself. I want to take chances and just live . I stopped trying to keep things from happening and I just let then flow like they're supposed to . Bad things will happens we can't avoid it forever . But good things won't come unless we open up and let people In and learn to forgive ourselves . We have to keep swimming or we will drown in our sadness . What's the point in being sad about the past when u can't change it just accept it and make a new one . Start over and just live . Live yourself . Everyone is worth living . It took me 4 years to over come my depression and self harm ik it's easier said than done but there is a light you just have to want to be happy and try and learn from your mistakes and forgive yourself and forgive others and forget and restart when you get sad again . It works . It takes effort and time but I'm proof that it gets better. This was the story of my 9th grade year it's not everything but this is much I could fit without making a novel . I still have many chapters ahead of me to go . But now I'm ready nothing can hold me back . Any time I think people will judge me or make fun of me I picture Joan Jett . She was in the first girl rock band the runaways . Everyone told them rock and roll was only for boys but she kept playing as they booed her and threw things at her she kept playing and smiling and never gave up her dream . She ended up being a legend and becoming famous . I think of her every time I think people will judge me I just think it shouldn't matter what they think they either love me or not . Don't keep negative people around u don't let them hold u back from happiness . It took me so long to stop caring . Ally now you know my story . I let you in . I broke down my walls . I took hours writing this to you hoping this will change your life or someone's life . Your beautiful ally your so beautiful . I'm here and now you know my weaknesses . I hope you eventually let me in too . I'll try to climb your walls . You deserve a good friend . You deserve to be happy . I hope you can find happiness I'm here to be here along the way with your journey . I won't leave you I promise . I never have left someone behind I've always worked it out . I'm not going anywhere . You could stab me you could cuss me out and just rip my heart out you could do the worst I'd still be ur friend Bc a true friend stay no matter what:) your worth it ally . Don't be afraid anymore okay . Don't. Be so hard on yourself . :) I know I just met you but your important . Your my friend . :D don't ever give up . There's still light in this darkness I'm here to bring you to it if you let me in . I'm with you .
Share This
Email
Facebook
Twitter
Read Request
My Library
Subscribe
Flag Writing
