No More Tears

Chapter Twenty-One

21

 

            I can’t control my emotions, remembering… it seems like it had happened only hours ago. My stomach burns, my chest feels funny and a lump has formed in my throat. Remembering… remembering, as tears fill my eyes and then I break. It all comes in waves, rushing over me. I’m a blubbering idiot, sobbing…

            I go to my fridge and pull out another beer; it has no taste and goes down smooth. My body still trembles as I look back on my memories; they are like dark clouds in a distance, rumbling as they come forth. A storm I have evaded for so long…

            Remembering…

           

Journal. # 492

 

Good news my friend… and I also have bad news.

 

I’ll tell you the good news first. Tony had been found and he was where I had seen, the place of weeds. Along the shoreline, that tail I saw, Timber wolf bay. Today we had a service for him; tomorrow we lay him to rest. I am saddened and happy the same time. I am sad to see my brother this way; he had a lot to live for. I feel it wasn’t his time. But God has called him home, and he has taken his new son with him. I am happy that we found him, and we can now rest.

I have lost myself during these last few weeks, and found redemption through it all. I know things were different then, I wasn’t leading a good life I thought I had. This tragedy has taught me to love others, and not judge a book by its cover. I was made to suffer to understand what real pain was like.

My inner demons have taken over my thoughts, my body. I thought I would not see the light again. I was filled with rage, hatred and self-righteous. And when Christian was lost. The anguish I felt, I had sunk into the deep abyss. It was like a black hole in space, there was no escape. I have never felt this way and never want to feel it again. God heard my plea, felt my pain. And like a lighthouse on a wicked sea. It shined brightly; he took my hand and led me to peace. And for the bad news, I think our relationship may have come to another end.

This may be my last entry old friend. For you may have enjoyed these moments, to listen to my happy and sad times. I know there are many dark ones, but you listened. You let me escape some, while others try to torment me.

You and I both know this isn’t the last. But I am only preparing you, what to expect my friend. I will add one entry after the funeral. I am going to have a proper sleep now. No more fears of the dark. No more tears of regret. Until then, until my pen meets you again my friend.

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[Norma M Sutton]

Fitting.