Carnage Within

Chapter Sixteen

16

           

Driven near madness, near death itself. I try to understand the whole thought, was it meant to be? It could have easily been all of us out there, lost… but he said to stay, why? Questions that goes unanswered. Where are they?

           

Are they drifting afloat somewhere in the frigid water.

           

My heart feels adrift, a storm rages inside me like a war, and it leaves me in carnage. I sometimes think I’m awake when I’m asleep, I see that b*****d Devil, staring right me with such a grin, and it turns my stomach as he lets out a ghastly laugh… I wake in cold sweats, and my emotions run wild, when I should keep them intact.

How I feel is hard to describe.

I crack a match and light my cigarette to calm my nerves, that bottle of Jack Daniels on the counter calls to me. Where it came from, I don’t know. Maybe the devil knew it would pick me up. I turn and sit up on the bed, my hands rest on my head as I stare downwards, thinking… debating, the cigarette hangs in my mouth, and the urge I have, I can’t control myself. My mouth waters as I look at it, I can almost taste it.

I turn the cap and open it, the smell is so sweet, and my insides tingle. My hand barely pours it into the glass, as it is so shaky. Is this real? Am I dreaming? One sip, turns into a gulp, the taste rectifies my battered body. My thoughts are still bouncing around. As I set the glass down on the table beside my bed, my pen rolls off and onto the floor.

How I felt, how much my mind was racing. Without a second thought, I scribbled into my journal…

 

Journal. # 459.

 

Carnage within

 

 

I am driven to the edge,

The devil laughs insanely.

What have I done?

Tortured and ripped apart within me.

 

I feel lost,

I am Empty and cold.

Haunted by memories,

Day after day, they unfold.

 

One word pursues me,

Guilt.

Can I be forgiven?

What my mind has built.

 

I am at the edge,

No more fears.

I plunge,

No more tears.

 

I am no one,

To all, they can see.

The devil wins,

He is happy with glee.

 

Carnage within,

My soul.

Losing a brother,

Leaves a hole.

 

A silent writing from within, this is for my brother as he has gone missing. I only try to prepare my soul, my grief that now haunts me.

 

God why must you do this?

It’s not fair; I am not ready to say good-bye just yet. Not yet…

 

I only hope that we will find them, so we can rest. So I can rest…

I have nothing else to say my friend… but only words…

I’ll soon see you again.

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[Norma M Sutton]

Even under the best of circumstances we aren't ready to say good bye. It's never long enough for the ones left behind.