Remnants

Chapter Eight

8

 

            Twelve years seems like a long time for some, for me, it seems like yesterday. I think what the doc had said, was something I didn’t take time to think over. Honestly, I don’t think I am ready yet, but I have written some, and it’s a start.

            Dreams come and go… I wake up in the middle of the night and find myself crying. It is like a nightmare, I relive the events over and over. I weep so much, my bones ache from it, and my tears are from deep within.

            More and more, I think of it. And more and more, it all comes back. Maybe now, now is the time to let it all free flow from it roots. I go outside to my deck, and sip on some coffee this time. I sit back in my chair and let my thoughts wonder, I let myself to heal what it is I have kept hidden.

           

I look towards the skies, and they are a familiar colour…

 

Memories… shift in and out of my minds eye. They are like a changing channel on the television. Changing, changing, changing, life seems to whirl us back in time unexpectedly. My dreams are filled with this ever so changing channel; pictures I" at one time" wanted to forget. Drifting from my subconscious mind, I find myself at my dock, as one hand wipes the tear that trickles from my eye. Thinking of those pictures that are spread out. I stare out onto the horizon, as tiny waves crash among the shoreline, which reminds me of that day. I stood there on the dock, trying to take in the beautiful sunrise.

The sky was a colour I have not seen in such a long time, the skies that also hark back at me, of that fateful day. The atmosphere is Pink and red, with haze along the horizon that looks like mountains, as beams of sun rays rake through the clouds.

Remains of my past existence… moments I thought would fade away as time went by.

 

My heart feels, nonetheless recoiled.

 

I have chapters in my life I have yet to close, instead they are more like a gyrating door, spinning me back to another time. Those dark clouds seem to be coming forth for me. A period in time I wish would go away. I have kept within my heart, a time of sadness, a time where I felt alone, lost and abandoned.

I have thought God himself may have put a curse on me. It seemed my prayers had gone unanswered. I have never felt so alone, so much pain. Why I asked, why do I suffer? Why am I feeling this way?

I have wept a million tears, maybe even a trillion. I feel so much repentance; so much anger, so much hate, so many feelings I never knew I had.

 

It is... a dark place. A time where my world had come to abrupt end.

 

There are things in my life that I didn’t do; but I wish I could have done. And then there are things I did do I wish I hadn’t done. These things that leave me wondering and leave those ever so haunting words, “What if.” They are like nightmares in my dreams, ones that stir my thoughts within. Scratching at my hurting soul, and dousing the little flame of memories that flickers, keeping it from going out of existence.

A gust of wind hits me, and I feel as though I am transporting, to another place and time… My mind is filled with those memories; they swirl up on me like a fog, draping me, holding me. I am awake, yet it feels like I am dreaming.

 

My dreams hypnotize and captivate me.

Reviews

[Norma M Sutton]

I think What if are two of the saddest words in any language.

[Wicahpi]

I think we all (at one time or another) go through the
'I would have, could have, should have' stages.

I know I have.