Beginning

Tara begins her journey, placed somewhere in Arizona. She has 2 years to find someone and help them be a better person in order to redeem herself and have a good afterlife. She is dreading her future.

Tara stared ahead at the busy street, bustling with people of all shapes and sizes. A tall, thin well-dressed businessman, rushing to be on time for a meeting. A petite young woman pushing a stroller, a slightly chubby toddler gripping her hand while they cross the intersection. An old couple taking a stroll through the area, the woman’s thin, stringy age-whitened hair blowing softly in the wind. Outside the shops that lined the street, a thin scrawny man sits with an old cardboard sign, every cent tossed into his hat making his eyes fill with hope. A few stores down, a greasy-haired overweight woman wearing a floral patterned shirt argues with a store manager, hoping to get a better price on the bouquet of roses she was trying to buy for her overprivileged daughter.

Everywhere she looked, Tara could see masses of people going about their lives as though nothing were different, their overlapping voices crowding her mind, preventing her from thinking clearly. It didn’t help that the hot Arizona sun was beating down on her, her skin sizzling from the unusual sensation of the blazing heat. 

It was never this hot back in Alaska.

Aside from knowing what state she was in, Tara was clueless. She hadn’t the faintest idea what city she was in, or what street she was on, or where she was supposed to go from here. But she was in Arizona.

That fact alone had taken her the past 2 days to discover, not to mention finding verification for it.

Tara stared at each person, judging them as soon as she layed eyes on them. She couldn’t help herself. They all seemed so… insignificant. Unimportant. Ignorant. Blind mice following a trail of crumbs to a trap, just waiting to be snapped up.

Had she really been like that? Had Tara, during one part of her life, really been as clueless as everyone she saw on the street? 

She already knew the answer. Of course she had been. It was only recently that she changed, only 2 days ago that her life had taken a massive turn. Yet already everyone she layed eyes on was an ant in comparison to herself.

It was fascinating how quickly a person could completely alter their view of the people around them, yet retain the same opinion on life.

Sighing, Tara made her way down the street, careful to keep her head tilted downward and to avoid eye contact with those around her. She didn’t want anyone engaging in conversation with her, especially not when she felt as helpless as she did in the moment. She needs time to sort herself out, to find a place to stay during the night and a job to fill her time during the day.

If she was going to be stuck here for the next 2 years, Tara was going to have to get settled in. She had to develop a schedule mirroring the one from before, back when everything was plain and boring. She had to go back to that life, back to that state of mind. Nothing new, nothing interesting. She had to push through the next 2 years, be resilient and don’t give in. She would not change. Life is a meaningless stretch of anticipation before our inevitible and everlasting death. She refused to change her opinion. 2 years wasn’t going to make a single difference, no matter what obstacles were thrown in her way.

2 years, and Tara would finally be able to go back to being fully dead.

She couldn’t wait.

Author's Note

This is the opening to my story, I am unsure whether or not it is enticing enough to get readers' attention. Please leave your opinion and feedback, I am open to any and all suggestions, so long as they aren't purposefully mean or rude.

Reviews

[JayG]

You’re trying to play storyteller. You, the only one stage are “making up” what happens from YOUR viewpoint, based on the needs of the plot as YOU see it. And that royally screws things up because it leaves the one who matters—your protagonist—out of the creative process. And that's bad because it's her story, not yours. So she needs to live it, not be talked about by someone we can't hear or see.

Example: You place yourself on the street, watching her, and you talk about what she CAN see, not what matters to her in the moment she calls "now." It's a "lecturer at the podium" approach. Thus you talk about the lives of those she sees, something she neither knows nor cares about. She has much more personal, and bigger, problems on her mind.

Using that approach you say that at some point in the past she didn’t know where she was, and it took two days figure that out. But: Had you looked at the scene AS HER, with the attitude, “Where in the hell am I?” And if you had thought through AS HER, and looked around AS HER, the first car that passed her would announce, “Arizona,” on its license plate. And bang, two full days vanishes from your story, and, her focus changes to what she needs next, not more talk about her by an external observer.

But because you’re telling the reader the story instead of making them live it as her, you miss that, and head off in directions that a real person wouldn’t.

Think about it. It’s HER story, not yours. She can’t stop, take a coffee break, relax, and go back to what she was doing with no time lost. She must live, moment to moment, so the things that motivate her to act are the result of her decisions and actions, not, “So let’s see…what happens next?”

Here’s the deal: In school you learned a skill called writing, its techniques are designed to inform the reader by approaching the act of writing as you do here: reporting and explaining. Great if you’re writing a report or essay, but useless for fiction, whose goal is to make the reader live the story as-the-protagonist. In fact, we learn none of the techniques of the profession, Fiction-Writing, although we’re not aware if ot. But why should they train us in them? That professional knowledge is of use only to those practicing the profession. And it’s necessary knowledge, because if you write fiction with nonfiction techniques and the result will read a report. It has to.

It’s fixable, of course, and unrelated to your talent, your story, or, how well you write. Unfortunately, we can’t fix a problem we don’t see as being a problem, which is why you share it with pretty much everyone who sits down at the keyboard to write fiction.

So, the fix? Simple. Add the missing skills, practice them till they’re as automatic to use as the skills we get in school, and you’re there. Is it easy? Of course not. You’re learning the skills of a profession. But on the other hand, if you are meant to write, you’ll find the learning interesting. And the practice is writing stories, which we already know you want to do. So what’s not to like? And like every profession, the required study serves to separate those who are serious from those who are just saying, “Wouldn’t it be nice if…”

And to help you decide, two suggestions: First, check a few articles that discuss the difference between fiction and nonfiction writing to see the size of the mountain you need to climb. And if it seems like fun, the articles in my WordPress writing blog, linked to at the bottom, might help.

Then, if you want more, pick up a free copy of the best book on the subject I’ve found, at the site I link to just below.
https://ru.b-ok2.org/book/2640776/e749ea

So…. I know you were hoping for at least, “It sounds like a great plot idea.” But since a problem that you didn’t see as being one was getting in your way, and you asked for feedback, I thought you’d want to know.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[YesIAmHuman]

Thank you so much for your review! This is my first story, so I am naturally going to do fairly poorly. Your suggestion makes a lot of sense and I can see that it would definitely make the story overall much better. I will go back and edit this as soon as I have time! Thank you again for your feedback, I really appreciate it.
Also, I will definitely look into reading some articles that could help me, and I will continue to practice developing better writing skills. Thank you for pointing this out to me!

[Himaya Ka]

Finish the story, write not to empress people but to express yourself. Let your imagination soar. Just be yourself. It's very fine.

[YesIAmHuman]

Thank you for this review!
I know I’m supposed to write for myself, and that sometimes people can get carried away with others’ feedback and lose the meaning of their story. But, I tend to doubt myself a lot and can’t seem to resist the urge to get someone else’s opinion. This is definitely something I will refer back to next time I am worried about what others may think of my writing. Again, thank you for saying this, it really helps me to feel more confident about my writing!

[Himaya Ka]

You are who you are. Don't let other people steal your own identity. They have their own story, it's theirs not yours.

[YesIAmHuman]

Thank you so much, this is really reassuring!

[Vertigo Cat1111]

This is an awesome concept! And the writing is amazing, and wow, this is your FIRST story? 👏👏👏 For some reason, I have so much hope for this story, and the plot feels full of potential. Is she easily gonna go back at the end? Or long to stay? Ah, I’m so hyped! Good luck, and most importantly, have fun with it! Also, the way you describe backgrounds, and the hot desert sun is spot on. I really love the name Tara, too. It fits, but it isn’t so normal, but doesn’t stand out far too much! All in all, your writing is excellent and doesn’t feel like your first story, and please keep writing, because there’s a sort of magic in this story that’s hard to find, something that makes me feel like you have a lot of passion.

[YesIAmHuman]

Thank you so much, this really made my day! You’re so kind, thank you for reviewing! I’m really glad you enjoyed the plot concept. I had to do some research on Arizona weather, as I am Canadian, so I’m glad I didn’t end up getting the completely wrong idea. I really struggled with finding a name, so I’m relieved you think it fits well with the story.
All in all, thank you so much for reviewing, you have brought a smile to my face!