2011 Confession

This one is for me mostly

Good god I've screwed things up badly this year. It's like I've only made bad decisions. I fucked myself, and not in a way that feels any good at all. I fucked myself with a cactus, which I've been told to do...! So I guess I had that coming. I've been called a bad person, someone who goes behinds peoples backs, that I have a bad attitude and been asked if I know that I'm dickhead.
So not only does it seem like I have screwed myself, I've screwed others too. I can live with messing s**t up in my own life, but I absolutely do not wish to hurt others.

I've hurt good people.
I have also hurt myself, but that's okay since clearly I can't be a good person.

When people act bad towards me, I don't blame them because I know that people are irrational, subjective and usually; just like me, do not mean to hurt. So what do I do when others behaves like dickheads to me? If I do anything at all, I take it out on myself. Punish myself.

I cried this cristmas, I never cry. But this christmas I cried for me being a bad daughter to a mother who would do anything for her daughters. And by crying like that, I made my mom cry. I cried because I failed this year. I failed myself, I failed my parents and I failed some people who used to call me a friend.

2010 I thought I had reached bottom, that from the first day of 2011 things could only get better. Instead they got so much more worse I wish it was 2010 now. Instead I have a new year waiting around the corner; 2012. I am not going to predict anything about next year. I know nothing about next year because I'm starting off the new year with absolutely nothing. I'm not joking, I have nothing at this moment, except myself. And I need to like myself again if next year is going to work out better than this one. The question is, how am I going to strive for better success when I do not know what success feels like? That I realize is exaggerating. You don't need to know how success feels like in order to strive for it, but you do need a specific goal to reach for. You need to know what you want. A child learning to walk falls over who knows how many times? But it knows that it wants to get up on its own on to standing by itself on its two legs and be able to move forward (the faster the better) just like the rest of us. That's what I've been missing for a few years now, to know what I want.

Now I know what I want.
I want to do better. I want to DO things better. I want to BE better.
I want that the next time I fail, I'll feel and know I did my best. That I went all in.
Because I haven't done or been my best this year and now I want to do and be better.

Being indifferent has been my biggest sin this year.
It has put me on a hell of a self destructive path.
But no more.
I'll f*****g force myself to care!
Because not caring has given me nothing.

This is my new year's resolution:

I will be a better daughter to my mother.
(that includes stop smoking, which I deny I ever started)

Author's Note

Thank you, I needed to share a little.

Reviews

[Emrick]

sad but very interesting.
i agree wit u that The base to success is to know what you want.