What is love?

Just a short paragraph talking about what love means to me and expressing how i am feeling for this guy.

Drinking a cup of orange juice in the living room, just thinking about you and how much I am missing you. It has been 3 days since we have talked. So far I have been doing okay just wondering how you are doing, wondering if you are missing me or your ex. That’s insane right? Because why would I even do that? And to be honest I don’t know. I just don’t know. All I know is that I am lost without you. Why? If I only dated you for 2 months, you shouldn’t matter that much but I hate the fact that you do. And you have no idea how much I care for you. Not the way you care for me, the way that I can’t even explain why I love you so much but what is love? What do I know about love when I am only 18 years old which I still have a lot to learn and experience and this is one of them. You broke my heart just like she broke yours the only thing is that I didn’t f**k you over which hurts because I gave you my all. You swear that I am a good person but why can’t I be good for you? Why can’t you see that age does not matter, at least it does not for me.  At this point it’s affecting me in school, I don’t know if I am depress or what I feel but I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I have thought about going to therapy but what will I tell him/her? That I felt in love with an older guy who does not love me and only used me to forget his ex? Really, how does that make me look? I feel stupid to even feel this way and what makes it worse is that Iration is coming soon (the band we both like) and I know we had plans on going but now I don’t even want to go because what about if I see you there, what would I do? If I still love you. And what is love? Well love for me is putting someone else before you and your feelings because their happiness is the most important thing for you and love is being there even when you know it’s not right but you try to hold on to it because that’s what makes you happy at least that’s what you think. But does it really make you happy knowing that the guy you are deeply in love is in love with someone else? All I really know is that I tried to make you forget her but It didn’t work.  I treated you how any man should be treated but obviously you weren’t used to being treated good and guys like being treated like crap so it’s not my fault that you don’t love me it’s just not. I ordered a book called “what we talk about when we talk about love” by Raymond Carver which let me tell you it’s an amazing book. I bought it for you but I am still unsure if I should mail you the book or if I should keep it, the book reminds me of you because it talks about love and how do we exactly know what love really means and each character in the book expresses what loves means to them, There’s a phrase that I really like, “My heart is broken,” she goes. “It’s turned to a piece of stone. I’m no good. That’s what’s as bad as anything, that I’m no good anymore.” ― Raymond Carver. which brings me to the last thing on my mind. I don’t know if I can ever trust anyone, I don’t know if I will ever see you again.  In fact I don’t know if one day the thought of you won’t make me cry myself to sleep at night or write my feelings out till I feel tired and ready to lay in bed , I don’t know if one day this will ever go away because it sure feels like it will take me years. I don’t know if one day I will stop visiting the old places we used to go together or if I will ever stop wearing you T- shirt at night to feel your comfort, to feel close to you in some way because I miss you touch, your kisses, your laugh, your smile and the most important one would be I miss you. I miss you running your fingers through my hair, I miss you kissing my forehead, I miss you kissing the back of my ears, and I miss you so fucken much that it hurts. Every time I hear a motorcycle I think about you and I hate the feeling to know that you never loved me and probably never missed me to the point where you had to write your feelings out because you are still in love with you ex, the one who cheated on you with 3 different guys. The ex who didn’t give a s**t about your feelings, still thinking about the ex who if she wanted she will have you anytime she wants because you love her and what sucks is that I love you and I wish that I could skip the stage of love where I don’t feel a thing about you and move on but love does not work in that way or does it? and now I am here in this quite room crying for you but I will never let you know that because I have a big ego that will  not let me tell you how much I hate you for doing this to me when I only gave you love and maybe it’s karma for not loving all the guys that have loved me and cried for me to love them. I guess I know now how they felt right? Because this is the first time I felt in love with someone and i got screwed over. 

Author's Note

ignore grammar problems, just writing without thinking. has anyone felt that way before?

Reviews

[Elim]

I find this slightly ironic that you would call this a 'short paragraph', but of course when pouring out such raw emotion, who can be bothered to split it into paragraphs? This was so sincere, so real, that I could nearly physically feel the pain that you must be going through myself. I'm sure many people can relate to this (I sure can), and it poses many interesting questions to think about. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, and it has made me rethink my own love, so thank you for that. :)

[Yalixa]

Thank you, i really appreciate it. It's always great knowing that someone out there understands a little. :)

[Xander West]

Writing from your raw emotions can produce great work at times. I can relate for I do just that so often. After time has passed, I can go back and edit my work, enhance the quality without disturbing the emotion I have implanted into the work with my raw thoughts and emotions, uninhibited by anything else except an attempt to express my feelings. I enjoy the frank, openly raw material you write.

[Yalixa]

Thank you :)

[Xander West]

No problem sweetie. That is why we are all here, to support and encourage.