Last Thursday session

A loaded and not an easy session in a time of confusion and guilt.

The small iron gate is squeaking, I enter the small path with the purple flowers climber keeping it cool from the hot sun rays.  I´m taking a breath, stoping for five seconds, knock knock knock, I feel that my knocking today was quiet firm, you once or twice recognized my mood by the sound of my knocking on the door.

"Hi"

"Hi"

You ask "Do you want a glass of water?"

You stopped asking if I want water or tea, as the summer begun and really there is no much chance that I would want tea now. "Yes please" I say.

I put my wallet, cellular and sun glasses on the shelf, and take my shoes off, putting it near your sandals. This is the first time I see these sandals of you. I wonder if we're going to sit all the meeting long or we're going also to move in the big room, I like it when I do also movement in the meeting, it connects my words with my sensations or my sensations with my words.

I cross the wooden floor to the arm chair, you just arrive with two water glasses.

"How are you today?"

I'm taking a deep breath, looking at the floor near your arm chair, like looking for the right words to describe what I feel, I am going through so many experiences and new thoughts in a week and I don't know what is the most important for me to talk about, I have a feeling that I need to focus, although this feeling doesn't make me stressed. "I'm fine, a little bit tired, I slept again only 5 hours last night, after two days that I slept better"

You are making this empathic face pushing out  your lips a little bit and bending your head.

I´m not waiting too much, we already talked about my sleeping, and I´m ok with that, I know it is one of my weak points and I can manage that.

"I had a talk last week with someone who told me something that moved me, she wanted to match me with someone who she said is wonderful, smart, very curious and looking good, and she invited me to come to a class this woman is giving about Kabbalah last Friday"

I continue , "I told her that I don't think that I am ready and she said that there is a difference between two states, a heart that aches and a decision that wasn't made fully. If the heart aches then it can pass after a year or two, like a headache can pass after a few hours or two days, but you continue with your life as possible, but if the decision was not made then it is a different thing. And then she said that Rabi Nachman said that one shouldn't be in a non-decision state more than two minutes because this is the state where all illnesses start from and where the dark side becomes dominant, it is better to choose wrong and change and choose wrong again and change than being in the non-decision state too long. I think that two minutes is maybe a bit exagerated, but I do have a problem with that, I've been so much time in this non-decision area in the last year that I really became sick"

You are noding with your head, I also saw this small smile you had while I was talking, like being proud of me for bringing this important point.

"You were saying in the last meeting that you had enough of this and that you want something else"

"Yes" I say, and I am rising, starting to walk around the room as I am excited and I need to feel the energy flowing in my body, I realized that otherwise something is getting stuck and frozen in me like it happened in the first months since we started to meet. I am proud that I started to take care of myself and move around when I feel this frozen feeling coming, even if it looked to me strange in the past.

"I want to move on", you are also rising and standing in front of me, "I am afraid", I don't know if to talk now about the date I had last week or about other things I feel.

"I had a date last week, and I don't feel I want to continue with it, although she is very sweet and I already know her", you are noding again like encouraging me in me going out for dates. "but the thing is that I feel that I need first to get a full decision about my relationship with Paula, there is still something I need to release so I can get my energy back to me and back to what I want to do. I want to have a family."

"Continue", you encourage me to continue with your hands too, I'm walking around, facing you and then looking aside, talking with my hands too.

"I have deep fears, it is like being in a commiting relationships means loosing my voice, the voice of my feelings, my needs, my opinions, and on the other hand risking in getting empty trying to take care of my spouse", my eyes reflect now these fears, and I can see it being reflected in your eyes too, but you continue to stand and breath deeply, imitating gently the moves I do with my hands, encouraging me to continue.

But I am looking for you now to hear something, you don't say nothing so I continue, "I got so lost in the relationships with Paula, I know that all these fears are coming from the model I had in my childhood home,it is just so deep" I feel desperate now and my hands fall down by my body, my legs hardly hold my body.

"What happened to you now?"

"I feel desperate, I meet again these fears that I don't know how to overcome"

"A minute, before you collapse in the body, life is working this way, like a heart beat, once you loose yourself and then you find yourself back, you get empty and then you get filled up again, you forget that there is movement on these lines. You were already somewhere else, you are doing things, going out for dates, for parties, arranging two workshops, I hear something else, we know that guilt makes you collapse this way and then the fears take over as Rabi Nachman said. What happened with that date?"

"It was very nice, we talked, we had a good italian meal and later we had frozen yogurt and sat there for another hour to talk. We haven't met for a few years. After our short affair was over a long time ago we kept in contact once in a while as friends, but there was always some tension, like we both are keeping the option to renew the affair, although I didn't feel that I really wanted to do that, the short affair left some bad memories too. We talked about everything, also the bad things, but I'm not easy to forgive and anyway I just feel that I don't want, is it wrong? I feel that it is wrong, and she wants something serious, she was telling it to me"

"No it's not wrong, and I don´t know if you´re not easy to forgive, let´s put it aside and maybe come back to it later, but anyway you feel guilty"

"Yes, I don't want to hurt her"

"But how can you know after one meeting that it won't work? do you want to meet her one time more? no one is talking about a wedding at this phase, no? You can see if she has changed for the better, enjoy the time as you enjoyed it in the first meeting, you even said you slept better" you are waiting for my approval, I nod my head "and then see, you want to know everything from the first step"

The look in my eyes has changed, I'm looking deep now in your eyes, "Maybe I do, but she was implying about something with deep commitment, this is what she is looking for"

"And you too, you just said it a few minutes ago. Deep comittment comes with time"

"True, but now you made me nervous, do I need to feel guilty also for not wanting to continue after one meeting? I don't want to do things that I'm not feeling whole about"

"No, I'm not saying that, but it is important for us to find out if it is the guilt that is stopping your life force from continuing forward or is it the fears and need of security that is stopping you from starting things"

"Ok" my tone of voice is getting more calm. I'm getting back to the small table, drinking from the water glass and sitting back in the arm chair.

I feel the energy filing my body again also while I'm sitting and all my body moves when I talk "I feel that it is the guilt that is delaying me from moving on from this point and looking for something else that suits me more"

"So this is what you choose?"

"Yes"

"Good, I feel that you made a choice, knowing that it might be a mistake, knowing that you are also loosing something here, but you are going where your life force is leading you, not being diverted by other people life forces as you used to do long time ago, you are willing to take the choice with its consequences and unpleasent feelings it involves"

"I think about Paula", I'm saying and lowering my gaze, a sad tone is sneaking to my voice.

You are noding, "Yes, I can understand that, we can come back to that, but we need to finish now", you are saying that firmly but with a gentle sound of empathy. I feel like I want to stay more, just for digesting a little bit what happened, and what I felt, my heart is stopping for a second, I blow out a sigh and saying, "Ok".

"Next week on the same time?"

"Yes"

Reviews

[Patient Poet (Yos)]

Very brave abd unique writting, it was like i was sitting in the room and watch you ... it was so real and beautifully written , and thank you for using my style , hope it helps... you are confused. jumping from one subject to another, restless,,, you want everything and now, you want a family and steady life, you want to forget about paula, you want an uncommitment relationship, but also a commitment one, but with who, you not sure, like time ticking its wasy , and you feel the tense... it was so clear in your writting. You searching your way, your new direction. I can only say , be paitent, no need to hurry, no time ticking on real, relax and it will come , soon.
Hope you will write more, Yossi