My Last Day on Earth

My intent was a very sarcastic and absurdist allegory

 

 

                  The day started off no different than any other I suppose. I awoke to the startling, deafening shrill of my alarm at 5:08 am. Angrily slamming the clock with my fist, I sat up quickly and placed my feet flat on the ground. As was typical of my every-morn ritual, I sat fixed in that position for several minutes debating as to whether or not I should commend my livelihood to the great God of Laziness and return to my slumber. As was typical, my sound sense of obligation and duty got the better of me and I rose from the constraints of my lethargy and staggered to the bathroom, but this was the day, if ever there were one, where I should have acquiesced to my tiredness and paid homage to the Lord of Laziness, for this was, in fact, my last day on Earth. How could I possibly have known?

                 After I completed my duties of hygiene and clothed my body with the necessary attire and appropriate adornments I glanced back at my alarm, the beacon of my discontent, 6:02. I was running three minutes late and wouldn’t have time to prepare my breakfast. At the time I was quite upset but had I known that this was in fact my last day on Earth, I would have made a breakfast so grand that even a king wouldn’t feel worthy of its consumption, but how could I possibly have known?

                 My stomach growling in disapproval and left unsatisfied in its bleak state, I burst from my apartment onto the streets like a fly fleeing from a swat. In my hurried and agitated state I almost forgot my reports, which were due first thing upon my arrival to the office. I quickly turned back into my apartment and retrieved the necessary applications and having done so I burst from my apartment and onto the streets like a fly fleeing from a swat. Propelled by my tardiness, I walked three times my normal speed en route to the bus stop which was only three blocks away. Paying little mind to the basic societal norms of social etiquette and common decency, I moved in a most vulgar fashion towards my destination. I bumped from one pedestrian into another, unintentionally at first, until realizing that the momentum gained was drawing me more quickly to my destination, continued to do so with greater enthusiasm for the disregard of my fellow white-collar.

                 As usual, there were thousands of people moving rhythmically and in-step in all directions towards their destinations. Men, women, suitcases, and suits were all present in their multitude but even I noticed that I stuck out. I was the only one who didn’t seem to be moving at a fixed rate of speed or trajectory. In the ensuing chaos caused by my stampede towards destiny, I collided with a most unattractive woman in a pastel yellow dress and collapsed with and onto her. I had no time to apologize but as I rose from our entanglement a most curious occurrence took place. The woman apologized to me! How strange I thought as I turned the corner and proceeded to jog down the final stretch unto the bus stop. Had I known this was in fact the last corner I would ever turn…well I wouldn’t have turned it I suppose. That’s for sure!

                It wasn’t thirty paces round the corner when it happened. A startling, deafening noise that seemed to originate from beyond the grasp of the towering buildings all around me roared louder than a million-million of the most irritating alarm clocks ever forged by the hands of man and stunned me so, that I stood frozen in place. In a fraction of a second I went from a light jog to being totally inert and set in my position like a statue I watched as thousands of white collars passed by in all directions seeming as if they were unaffected or unaware of the noise from the heavens. Many a shoulder and briefcase bumped into me, seemingly indifferent to or unaware of not only my predicament but my very presence. This, however, was just the beginning of my day of dread which had I known, I never would have risen from my bed.

               The terrible noise grew louder and louder at a fixed rate of ascension until every hair on my body vibrated so violently in its place that each hair snapped and fell; from my head to my toes, thousands of hairs fell to the ground like volcanic ash or snow from the sky. Then an overwhelming feeling of suction and in an instant I was torn from the ground and hurled straight up towards the sky at a speed so incredible and indescribable that my eyes couldn’t process the imagery quickly enough and I was temporarily blinded like an insect scurrying across a pantry floor. When my vision returned I opened my eyes and there before me was a most disturbing site. I saw my home, my planet, in its entire splendor as I floated aimlessly in the cold vacuum of space. How I could breathe or survive at all I do not know but as I rotated my head and looked in all directions I saw that I was not the only victim of this strange occurrence. There were dozens of us! My trajectory had me on collision with another and as we were helplessly hurled at one another I realized that it was the same most unattractive woman in the pastel yellow dress from earlier this morning. As we harmlessly bounced off each other I made sure, this time, to apologize and proceeded and continued on my orbit to whereabouts unknown.

               Never have I felt such loneliness. In my cold and desolate solitude I couldn’t prevent the natural feelings of disdain and anger from rising in my body. Of the six billion people on the face of the planet, and with so few seemingly selected for this most undesirable fate, why did I have to be of the unfortunate few to suffer so? And as the days, or rather the increments of time that were once measured in such a way, go by even starvation would not end my misery. It seems I must resign my self to floating aimlessly and endlessly through the void of space but had I known this would have happened when I woke up that fateful day I never would have left home without first eating my breakfast.

-The End

 

 

 

My Last Day on Earth

Reviews

[Katrina]

i can totally hear my mom at the end of this: "And that's why you always eat breakfast!"

she actually lectured me yesterday about breakfast. Apparently ricecakes aren't good enough and I'm supposed to be consuming fruit. Bleck. Fruit. And I tried to explain to her that, "I can't eat that much early in the morning cause it makes me want to vomit."

But sure, if it was the last day on earth I might bend that rule a little -- but please, be kind and don't tell my mom.

Anyway, this was clever and awesome. Sucks that you couldn't bump into some foxy young thing though. That'd be my luck -- destined to bump into unappealing people for the rest of my life. Ah, bittersweet eternity.

xxx

[Lady Lazarus.]

incredible!!!!
such a sad,thoughtful and beautiful piece of work.
the part about bumping into the woman and saying sorry each time added comedy and frankly this is one if not the best story I've had the chance to read on here :)