Downward helix into an unknown abyss

a woman fights with insanity

 

The walls are dull and the food is disgusting, but into this asylum, I retreat. It is my home.

Life is much more beautiful when you’re trapped inside yourself. Locked inside your own mind with no one left behind to let you out. But now I rock on this cement floor, unable to get to sleep because the staff has turned off all the lights.

I’m unsure what time it is. When you sit in darkness for as long as I have, the moving hands on the clock melt together and all that’s left are meaningless numbers.

Meaningless. Like me, I guess. Some say you can recover when someone checks you into an insane asylum, those same people say that you are truly mad if you check yourself in, like I have.

I did it to protect myself from myself, my mind from my body. And now I sit here tracing the swollen welts of cut marks that use to be. They run from wrist to elbow in beautiful suicidal patterns.

Razors were my only way of ventilation, my only salvation from the stress of life.

The three children, the dead end job and the cheating husband. If I ever saw that b*****d again id murder him.

I did murder him; I giggled slightly, a small chuckle that frightened the innermost part of me. She killed him, the girl deep inside of menthe one who longed to reach the surface.

But I couldn’t let her. And that’s why im here.

The lights flickered on. Morning already! Back to the routine that has ruled my life for months now. Back to dull walls and disgusting food.

And back to sitting in my own mind. Mustering at the thought of ripping out my own soul .talking only to shadows on my wall and waiting for the habitual death that plagues this planet to call my number so I can abandon the little hope this place gives me, and suffer no more than I am now in the most beautiful infernos of hell. And now I continue my downward helix into an unknown abyss.

A single tear rolls down my cheek and it stops at the corner of my meaningless smile “she can’t get out” I whisper to myself.

Author's Note

just a small story clip i wrote