Refreshing Dose of a New Life

A Story by KayJ

As soon as i was born, march 16, 1991, i was a ward of the state. Where i stayed for 18 years. my mother died giving birth to me and my father died a month before i was born for reasons unknown. So, i never had the luxury of family; someone to teach me the "right' way to love and treat others. So i went through the system as if love didn't exist. it wasnt until i met alec jensen that i really learned to love and care for others. she was 28 and i was 20 when we first met. we were at a bar and we got into a fight over a girl we were both after. after we had both been thrown out we decided on a peace treaty and went for coffee. we started talking, arguing, talking and finally agreeing as this started our friendship and eventually relationship.

Two months later marked the beginning of our relationship. Alec had prepared a trip for me to meet her parents. the trip alone was fun, we joked around and talked like we had known each other our whole lives. We visited her parents all day and drove overnight back to alecs house.

The next month went by with me going back and forth in my head "Yes im in love, no im not in love." and it showed when alec wanted to go to places and do things a normal couple would do. like hold hands at the park or movies. I was there but not completely there. I wanted to be, everytime she grabbed my hand i wanted to grab and squeeze hers back, look into those beautiful blue eyes of hers and tell her how much i loved and adored her and how much i appreciated her being there. But i just couldnt, i couldn't bring myself to tell her the things i knew she needed and wanted to hear. Truth was, i was afraid it would put me in a vulnerable state, a state that i could get hurt in again and i just couldnt, i wouldnt let myself go back to that state again not after what had happened and what i went through before.

My previous relationship, my only relationship before Alec ended horribly. We were together 6 months engaged and i found out that she had been cheating the whole 6 months with a guy....needless to say i loved and trusted her whole heartedly and got hurt the deepest id ever been hurt before.....i wasn't ready for that possibility again.

After one day of walking around downtown new york city, i laid in bed thinking of her. I had promised myself I wouldn't but i was done promising making such promises that i knew i couldnt keep. I let out a long loud sigh as i sat up getting out of bed i grabbed a tank top pulling it on and putting a light weight hoodie on as well i headed out the door. i had to see her, had to tell her how much she meant to me, i had to tell her.....show her...hell i didn't know what i had to tell or show her i just knew i had to.

Walking to her house i rehearsed what i would say to her only none of what i rehearsed was what went down when i got to her house.

I practically knocked her door in when I go to it.

"Alec! Alec!"

She answered on the second knock. I let myself in, frantically pacing back and forth.

"I promised myself I wouldn't do this." I said.

"Do what?" she asked a bit worried.

"Promised myself i wouldnt think about you."

"WHAT?!" She gasped clearly shocked and hurt.

" I promised myself i wouldnt think of you and get in too deep with you, and now look at me, god im such a wreck!" I shouted, turning and throwing my hands up.

"Wouldn't let yourself get in too deep with what?" she asked.

"My feelings for you...."

"Is that such a bad thing?" she asked.

"Yes...no....I don't know!" I Sighed.

"What don't you know,skye?" She asked placing her hand on my shoulder. I had my back turned to her but even still i could make out her confusion and worry in her voice.

"You wouldnt understand..." I said shrugging her hand off.

"Try me.......tell me who hurt you so bad...you can't trust me....or yourself."
"Explain it all to me so i can understand." she said taking my hands in hers.

"I can't"

"Why can't you?!" she shouted frustrated dropping my hands.
"What about your life.....is so horrible...you can't tell me skye?!"

"Everything"

out of the corner of my eye i could see her shake her head. I couldn't give up now i had come too far.

"I'm in love with you." I whispered.

"What?" She asked ever so lightly.

I kissed her softly. And laid her down on her bed and slowly made love to her....slowly and gently.

After we made love I snuck out of Alec's house back to my own. Making love with Alec was the most intense thing ever and i didnt know how to handle the aftermath so i ran. I ran around town for 2 1/2 months doing whatever i wanted. I was flirting with another girl in a club when all of a sudden alec was in my face.

"We need to talk." she said pulling me to the side.

"Are you in this with me or are you just playing around?"

"I don't know....."

"What don't you know?"Alec asked.

I wasn't ready to see her just yet. I needed more time.

"Can you give me a little more time to figure some stuff out please?" I asked her.

"Why not...." and she walked away.

Before i knew it three months had passed and it was alec's 29th birthday..i got an invitation..i went. I approached alec on the dance floor and asked her to talk. we talked for hours and i apologized and that night i realized i had fallen in love for the first time ever. And maybe it was time to stop running. a slow song came on and i asked alec if she wanted to dance she said yes. we danced, talked, kissed and ended back up at my place and started making slow yet passionate love, only this time i stayed, she had finally gotten me.

It took her three more months to get me to say it out loud to her and admit it to her that i was in love with her. She had me pinned down on my bed tickling me.

"C'mon!.....I know you wanna say it....cmon!" She giggled.

"Yea.....I.....Do....But Please....Stop....Tickling me." I laughed. She stopped and I kissed her passionately. And then I whispered in her ear that I was madly in love with her and only her.

We had been together a year when we had our first major fight. It was over my inability to commit even though I hadn't cheated....yet.

For a split second in time after that fight I forgot who I was and let myself go....I cheated on Alec and afterwards ran and hid away for three months. I ignored Alec's phonecalls, emails and voicemails. To put it bluntly I wanted to curl up and die. I called the only person I could think of my "Bro". My "bro" was another lesbian friend of mine, I told her everything. She basically told me to man up and face the music....tell Alec what had happened. When Alec called next, I answered.