The note

He stood on the brink of something he couldn't describe. The weight of everything seemed to press down on Tyler's shoulders and he struggled to take even a single step forward. It was too much. All of it. And somehow, he had kept on moving. But every step cost him. The darkness grew darker; the pain grew sharper; all of it seemed to only grow in strength and Tyler began to wonder if things could ever get better. But he never said a word. Sometimes he wondered if that smile- the horribly fake smile- was ever seen through by Josh. If someone ever notices the sad, broken look in his eyes that Tyler saw in the mirror. If they saw beauty where Tyler just saw despair. And Tyler laughed, a bitter, sarcastic laugh, at himself. Nobody cares. No one notices. They never seem to, do they? Josh might care, but it isn't fair. This wasn't fair on Josh anymore. All he did was give his love to Tyler and Tyler could never give back the love he deserved. Josh deserved better, Josh deserved love. Not a cloud of rain above his head. 

Tyler sat still on the chair, with no strength to move. He picked up the pen and straightened the crumpled paper in front of him. He already felt sick, like the pills were already working. He was frightened he wouldn't finish in time, so he quickly began to scribble; heart pounding, hands clammy, eyes brimming with salty tears that he knew were going to ruin his writing, but he went ahead anyway.

 

"Josh. 

I'm sorry. I am. Everything. I'm so sorry. 

From the first day I saw you, you didn't see me, but I saw you. Well I'm sorry for not coming to talk to you. That was rude. 

The time you introduced yourself to me and I scurried off to my room, avoiding eye contact and not letting you speak to me. I'm sorry, that was antisocial.

That time you just wanted to talk about tattoos and the sizes of our hands when you caught me after the shower, and all I did was hurry away and make an excuse. I'm sorry, I wanted to talk. 

That time you had to take me to therapy and all I did was humiliate you by the train station, crying and shaking whilst you had to look after me like a baby. I'm sorry, I'm a burden.

That time in the forest where I told you I loved you, without even knowing what was going on in your life. I'm sorry, that was selfish of me. 

God, now I'm writing this I was so s****y. So so s****y to you. 

That time I assumed you hadn't broken up with Debby and I acted like a spoilt child. I'm sorry, I'm over protective.

That time at the halloween party where we fucked around and then I stormed out. I'm sorry, I'm a drama queen. 

That time you came searching for me in the dark and all I did was push you off, crying with my stupid grazed hands which you then had to clean off. I'm sorry, I'm a wreck. 

You know what, I'm not going to list all the things I've done wrong because there are far too many. You deserve to be loved, loved with all the love in the world. I can't do that, clearly, there's nobody else to blame, you've done everything for me, anything a person could do, you did. When we kissed in Paris under the Eiffel Tower under those twinkly lights I felt like I was walking on air. Thank you. That time you called me lovely and told me I deserved the whole world, I didn't, but thank you. That time you ordered my drink and knew what flavour muffin I'd like because you paid enough attention to my persona. Thank you. When you promised to try and give me the world, and you practically did. Thank you. Thank you Josh, for everything. I'm so sorry I couldn't give it back to you. I hope this will give you the chance to find someone. Find someone better than me. 

Find someone who wont drag you down. Who wont be like a child who needs constant attention like me. Sometimes I feel like there is something eating me up from the inside, as if my conscience is telling me I'm not good enough. Every day I plaster my face with a fake smile, wear loose clothes and try to love you; but some days I can't take it any more. I miss dinner one day ... then again and again... I don't shower one day... then again and again. It's endless. There is no point. I tried for you Josh. I did. I tried so hard. But I simply cannot anymore. 

Look after yourself. Please go home for Christmas. Do not spend it alone. Do not. Go on those tours, drink beers with Kevin, use Vir and Juliette as shoulders to cry on, take pictures of all the places you go for me, send me postcards, eat food you think I'd like. Live like you know I always wanted to. I love you. 

Goodbye, Josh. Thank you."