An Interview with Myself

Do you ever feel so lonely to the point, you can’t feel lonely anymore? It must be at some point, the emptiness goes so much farther than the darkness and emptiness you already feel, and then it surpasses some point

The emptiness felt is that i felt as though i died, but i lived, and lived in death i did. This constant roaming, this constant finding for something greater, fighting JUST to FEEL SOMETHING. Just...something..anything at all. I pray to God each night, each morning, and each afternoon. Asking for prayers, asking for blessings, mostly asking for answers and a cure to this disease i feel, shivering my bones, tightening my veins, and turning my skull blue and numb. But at least I wish to say I could feel numb. I want to feel numb again.

I did not know what it would exactly be like or feel like to be NUMB from all these thoughts and pain i felt.

But the second I felt numbness for the first time. It was something that i have longed for for so so f*****g long.

I used the word f*****g because the things i have thought about felt, and said, needed to be just paused.

Even for second..i begged to the Lord every night.

And every night I waited for His answers and relief of this surge of the rock i have lugged around with my body for ages, and probably ages before me.

Perhaps suddenly I’ve now thought about the lives that have lived before me.

Like how a cat has 9 lives.

A person from my past before this body lived lives too.

Maybe it could answer as to why I can suddenly recall feelings of certain people in different ages and eras in time.

I feel the need to be strong and overbearing as a man, yet feel the glamour of a classic vintage woman in the eyes of Hollywood, and the daily concerns and sufferings of a single mother raising children of her own while having to keep the grace of a lady but be a man in the workforce in the midwest of the 50’s.

Perhaps I have multiple personalities. And to fully admit so, I honestly think I do.

There are many more personas and recalls I feel through my daily life of the past souls I have lived, or my past life. But it’s interesting.

I can remember. I can FEEL it.

But mostly, i feel the fear they’ve had, their troubles, worries, stress, has passed on to this vessel now. This 19-broken down year old vessel.

My age speaks of 19, but my soul speaks of ages before dawn.

I pray again.

To let God, Let me. Travel back to that time of vintage films, eyes were bright and sparkling, champagne bottles were clinking, women laughed and wooed men, but still had the workforce stronger than men. All can still wear a beaded chandelier dress while she smirked at you with her high brow.

Author's Note

Still not complete. In the middle of writing. I get writers block quite often. But give it some time, all the words will flow out much better.